Now that everyone has generally stopped skittering like cockroaches after someone turned the light on, it's time to make our intentions clear. After our initial hissy fit about a small percentage of only our most violent pet peeves around here, we're actually aiming to improve this place. Who the hell are we to do that? Volunteers. We won't hold our breaths waiting for a commemorative mug.
Our philosophy is rooted in the idea that 7 million people could have been saved if thousands of people would have taken an objective look at how hilarious Hitler was when get got all sweaty and jabby and then started pointing and laughing.
You are not going to get crazypantsed because you missed a punctuation mark or misspelled a word. You're going to get crazypantsed when you're doing something so ridiculous that someone needs to put a helmet on you and guide you away from the sharp knives.
In that spirit, we would like to offer a word of caution. If you are over the age of 40 and are seriously considering using Craigslist to find three college boys to move in with after you leave your husband, move to the city and get a job in the same hospital you just "voluntarily" checked yourself out of - you may need more intense mental help. We're not making this up. The post was nuked, but not even we're cruel enough to call that shit out by name. If your spouse is not even phased by those statements and tells you that you will "cycle out of this" - you may need to consider alternative treatment options. Please.
Another little public service announcement - if you're considering suicide, please call 1-800-273-TALK or visit this website which has a list of suicide hotlines in each state. It seems that every Saturday night we have another round of suicide discussions. We appreciate the fact that people need to reach out. We do not appreciate being told exactly how much rent money is needed to soothe your despair.
Now for the pantsings - our first honoree was Gordon Osmond.
"If you want to plop down on rugs in public places at inconvenient times, we will mock you."
~Gordon Osmond "Message to Muslims"
His appalling argument that it is totally okay to "mock" Islam because he "equally" mocks any religion is just ridiculous. The fact that he throws his shit bombs from Brazil and looks like Hannibal Lecter's long lost "funny uncle" is just icing on the cake. Opening with the line, "If you choose to live in the United States, accept some facts and attitudes" is a lot more convincing if you're on the same continent as the United States.
Our vote for best response to this douche bag was by Jeff Howe, one of our favorite lovable curmudgeons here at OS.
Gordon, take off the polyester jumpsuit and try some deep breathing. We won't try to convert you to Islam if you don't try to convert us to being hateful pricks. (We're already half-way there according to most people anyway.) Sadly, there's also a comment by someone that smells a lot like Peter Lagios. We're just sayin'.
Our BRAND NEW pantsprize winner is mr. sunshine. He's been spreading his special, sticky, icky brand of love all over the site, but really topped it off with The Confession of the Penultimate Stalker. It is written to "The Universal Woman." Really, the whole thing is worth a read if you want to be nauseous for 6-8 hours and you're wearing a raincoat. But, here's a sample:
"When you smile with mouth and eyes at me I become erect.
Unprotrusablity, don't worry. I put my hand in my pocket and push it down.
I am not a pervert, and have never been accused of being one."
First of all - "unprotrusablity"???? REALLY? MS Word doesn't even have any suggestions, dude. If you're going to discuss your stiff little penis, use words that actually exist. He also may need to look up the word "penultimate."
It all sounds like a schoolboy fantasy, which we are not opposed to, until we get somewhere toward the end:
"In a sense, I am already there, mentally. I know the best things to say to make you not go off yourself.
I think that's what you want to do, and it's nice to meet a member of the club. Me too. I'd throw myself from a height, you'd take pills."
Remember, this is to the "Universal Woman." He followed this masterpiece up with autoerotic aid from the telephone. Just a little bit of that:
there is lava in his loins
as he texts her
this is no urinary tract infection
for he cannot piss it away
like all the other chances he had with her
We'd like to take up a collection to buy him an eHarmony membership, but we wouldn't wish that on anyone.
Stay safe, OSers. It's scary out there.