Pavlov would love the Internet.

Cranky Cuss

Cranky Cuss
Ossining, New York, United States
February 28
I am the author of "Send In the Clown Car: The Road to the White House 2012," currently available on Amazon and CreateSpace. I'm currently semi-retired after 23 years in a corporate environment. My motto: The conventional wisdom has too much convention, not enough wisdom. Corollary: Even Einstein was wrong sometimes, and you're not Einstein.


Editor’s Pick
SEPTEMBER 6, 2013 3:48PM

Am I Losing Interest in Football?

It’s the first weekend of the NFL season and the league will be asking the same question it’s been asking for decades: “Are you ready for some football?” For the first time, part of me wants to answer, “No.”

I’ve loved sports since I was a young boy. Every se… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
AUGUST 22, 2013 12:57PM

Washington's Offensive Line


Washington, D.C. is simultaneously the home of our nation’s first minority Presid… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
JANUARY 29, 2013 12:17PM

Is Texas Executing an Innocent Man?

On January 2, 1999, hunters in Sam Houston National Forest in Texas discovered the body of Melissa Trotter, a 19-year-old Lone Star College student who had been missing since December 8. She appeared to have been strangled with one leg of pantyhose.

Investigators had already settled on Larry Sweari… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
NOVEMBER 5, 2012 10:53AM

Final Words From a Republican Candidate

I am a Republican.

I don’t believe people should be required to carry a government-issued ID because that’s the first step toward Big Brother. I also don’t believe people should be allowed to vote unless they carry a government-issued ID.

I am a Republican.

I believe that Democrati… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
NOVEMBER 1, 2012 1:39PM

God Speaks

‘Sup? God here. Long time, no speak. (No, Santorum, I mean it, I haven’t been speaking to you, that’s just the voices inside your stupid head. And stop emailing me all of those dumb “How many abortionists does it take to screw in a light bulb”

Read full post »
Editor’s Pick
OCTOBER 26, 2012 11:22AM

Editorial Endorsement: George Romney for President

                                 The Cranky Cuss Gazette

       Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
OCTOBER 12, 2012 3:30PM

Biden My Time


I almost never write straight political pieces; there are people here who do it way better than me, and with greater depth of knowledge. I also admit that I did not watch the first Presidential debate; as I commented elsewhere, the debates will not affect my vote and… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
OCTOBER 10, 2012 5:42PM

My Two Memoirs

They say that you never regret the things that you do, only the things that you don’t do. I don’t believe that’s 100% true – I’ve done a couple of ghastly things I desperately wish to erase from my memory bank – but when I’m melancholy, which is too often… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
OCTOBER 4, 2012 4:53PM

Baseball Playoffs Preview for the Non-Fan

At Home Pilgrim used to post an annual Open Salon baseball playoff preview, so in his lamentable absence, I have volunteered to fill his shoes. (And yes, that is like replacing a pair of Bruno Maglis with flip-flops.)

There is one big difference this year: to make a wild card… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
SEPTEMBER 26, 2012 1:53PM

Mitt Romney's Home Movie

Thank you for that warm welcome. It’s great to be here in Ohio on the first day of Oktoberfest. You may think that, because I’m not allowed to drink liquor, I don’t understand beer drinkers, but that’s not true. I have several friends who are brewery owners.

Did… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
AUGUST 27, 2012 11:14AM

Things I'll Do Instead of Watching the GOP Convention

“A hurricane is headed straight for the Republican convention. More proof that God is a woman.”
- David Letterman

12. Attend a NASCAR race so I can hang out with a bunch of white people too.

11. Crash a gay wedding, pose for pictures with the happy couple, then head to a… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
AUGUST 23, 2012 12:15PM

Suicide Isn't Painless

And Richard Cory, one calm summer night
Went home and put a bullet through his head.
- Edward Arlington Robinson

Last weekend, I was re-reading Darkness Visible, William Styron’s essay on his descent into clinical depression. Around the time I was reading Styron’s chapter about his friends… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
AUGUST 8, 2012 2:35PM

Nicole's Tales From Retail, Redux


(Looking for something light after the last few days, and following Oryoki Bowl’s request for funny reposts, I combined two posts on my daughter’s time at a bakery. All stories are true, though some of the dialogue is invented. The format was based on ex-OSer LCRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
JULY 24, 2012 2:42PM

Playlist For Fred Willard

Dude, first off, it’s the 21st century: get yourself a computer! Then, if all that phony moaning and grunting on the screen is too distracting, turn down the sound and turn up these odes to self-love guaranteed to keep you in the mood. Finally, don’t be ashamed and remember… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
JULY 23, 2012 8:54AM

It's Over Between Us

We’ve been together a long time. We’ve had a lot of great times and I’ve got many memories that I will always cherish. Remember that time we …? No, let’s keep that private.

But we’ve been drifting apart for a long time. Communication has grown strained and has go… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
JULY 18, 2012 10:10AM

Other Retroactive Retirements

(Think Mitt Romney is the only person to declare a retroactive retirement? You haven’t been paying attention.)

SPRINGFIELD, IL, December 9, 2008 – Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich denied the corruption charges filed against him, explaining that he had retroactively resigned his post… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
JULY 6, 2012 10:25AM

The TomKat Contract, Revealed!



I, Katie Holmes, being of sound body and (until I spend all of my time with Scientologists) of sound mind, do hereby willingly enter into this contract with Thomas Cruise Mapother IV, hereafter referred to in this contract as “Mr. Cruise,” and agree to th… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
JUNE 29, 2012 10:45AM

Take Me Out to the Ballgame (TM)




“Good evening, everybody.  I’m Joe Buck with Tim McCarver and we’re in the Chuck E. Cheese broadcast booth at Shell Oil Ballpark in Arlington, Texas, for the first game of the highly anticipated series/… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
MAY 25, 2012 11:08AM

The Huffington Post Circa 1969


(Trying to imagine what Arianna Huffington’s site would have looked like if it had existed in 1969.)

                               Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
APRIL 23, 2012 1:56PM

Kim Kardashian for Mayor!

GLENDALE, CA. – Reality-TV star Kim Kardashian, following a hint that she had dropped recently on her TV show, announced today that she is a candidate for mayor of Glendale, California.  Standing before a banner showing her dressed demurely, which caused some observers to insist the pictur/… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
APRIL 20, 2012 4:15PM

Do I Even Have a Bucket List?


After I walked across the Brooklyn Bridge last week, I posted a comment on Facebook that I had knocked something off my bucket list.  Someone asked what else was on my list and I was taken aback because I didn’t have an answer.  I had never formulated a list,/… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
APRIL 5, 2012 10:46AM

B-B-B-Bernie and the Mets


If Kermit thinks it’s not easy being green, he should try being a New York Mets fan in the city it shares with the most successful franchise in sports history, the Yankees. To be a Mets fan in New York is to prefer Shemp, to be the… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
MARCH 21, 2012 11:24AM

Help! I've Fallen For Van Halen and Can't Get Up


I try to remain young at heart musically, or at least as young as my 61-year-old ears will allow me.  I check the websites Pitchfork, Stereogum and emusic regularly, and I will investigate the latest buzzed-about indie band (The Men’s Open Your Heart sounds pretty good), the/Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
FEBRUARY 23, 2012 12:10PM

Even a Beatle Gets Old


Dear editor,


In your weekly review of new music, the entirety of your comment on Paul McCartney’s standards album was:


Paul McCartney, Kisses on the Bottom: I can’t. I just can’t.


Did you meanRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
FEBRUARY 10, 2012 9:27AM

The (Condensed) Grammy Award Broadcast


Announcer: “Live from the Staples Center in Los Angeles, it’s the 54th annual Grammy Awards, and here’s your host, a rapper who hasn’t had a hit in 20 years but coincidentally happens to be starring in a CBS series that needs promotion, LL Cool J.”


Read full post »