Dude, first off, it’s the 21^st century: get yourself a computer! Then, if all that phony moaning and grunting on the screen is too distracting, turn down the sound and turn up these odes to self-love guaranteed to keep you in the mood. Finally, don’t be ashamed and remember what George Carlin said: “If God hadn’t intended for us to masturbate, he would have made our arms shorter.”

Elvis Costello & the Attractions, “Pump It Up”: “PUMP IT UP! When you something something something. PUMP IT UP! When you something something something. DA-DA-da-da-da-da.” I mean, who doesn’t get horny listening to that song?

Devo, “Whip It”: I don’t know if this song is really about onanism, but “if a problem comes along, you must whip it” are words to live by.

Cyndi Lauper, “She Bop”: Cyndi’s 1985 ode to … Wait. Let’s be honest. We’ve already had five minutes of music, so Fred is probably done. However, I can’t have a playlist with only two songs so I need to kill time, like the dialogue scenes in a porn film. Let’s talk about morality issues. After Willard’s arrest, PBS fires him because they consider him too immoral to be narrator of “Market Warriors” but they replace him with Mark Wahlberg, who whipped out a 12” prosthetic penis as a porn star in Boogie Nights? Is this what American morality has … Wait, I’m being told it’s a different Mark Wahlberg. Never mind.

Divinyls, “I Touch Myself”: How does a cop end up assigned to walk the aisle in a porn theater? Is that like KP duty in the Army? “Jones, you’ll be assisting with the undercover drug buy. Smith, you’ll be on stakeout duty outside a suspected serial killer’s home. Fenwick, you’ll be looking for wankers watching Slutty Nurses 4.” “Captain, is this because I didn’t send you a Christmas card?”

The Who, “Pictures of Lily”: Willard’s next movie is called – you can’t make this stuff up – The Yank. I wonder if the arrest was just a stunt to promote the movie. Hmmm. (Note to self: I have a great title and p.r. campaign for my next book.)

Lucinda Williams, “Right On Time”: Just had a thought: with Open Salon’s technical problems, it would make the worst porn site ever. Talk about coitus interruptus!

Hamell On Trial, “Jerkin’” Fred, I’m sure you’ve never heard of this guy; he’s an indie rocker who often opens for Ani DiFranco (and in fact, lives in my hometown), but this is one sick song. You see, he’s in his hotel room, following his urges, and for visual stimulation, he’s using – oh, I can’t believe I’m writing this – a picture of his wife! What kind of sick bastards are we raising in this country? Can you imagine making monogamy sound so dirty? Wait, maybe he’s making masturbation sound wholesome. Now I’m confused.

Clarence Carter, “Strokin’”: While Clarence is “stroking it to the east” and “stroking it to the west,” let’s acknowledge that Fred got a “stroke” of good luck when he met Christopher Guest, who featured him in all of his comedies: This Is Spinal Tap, Waiting for Guffman, A Mighty Wind (ixnay on the “blowing” jokes). Willard’s side-splitting performance as the dog show broadcaster in Best In Show is one of my favorites of all-time. “And to think that in some countries these dogs are eaten.”

Pink, “Fingers” and “U + Ur Hand”: I was going to create porn versions of some of Fred’s classic movies and TV shows, like Firmwood Tonight and Yankerman, but checking IMDB, I see that he has credits for films called Breast Men and Idle Hands, which really need no enhancement. In fact, Everybody Loves Raymond could be a porn title! (So could “Everybody Loves Cranky;” I wonder if I can get funding?)

Buzzcocks, “Orgasm Addict”: Great song from my faux-punk days. However, Fred, if you are an orgasm addict, I suggest therapy. Maybe you’ll clean up your act like Conan’s Masturbating Bear:

(Personal note: The Phillipse Manor station where the Bear was waiting for a train is where my writing classes are located. Also: Hugh Jackman would be a great name for a porn star.)

Mojo Nixon, “She’s Vibrator Dependent”: In one of my old posts, I mentioned the Duet, a sleek new vibrator that looks like a flash drive; in fact, the deluxe model has 8GB of memory. Charge it in a USB port and it will provide pleasure for four hours, perfect if you fantasize about a guy with a four-hour erection. It’s never too early to do your Christmas shopping!

Billy Idol, “Dancing With Myself”: As a Fred Willard fan, I’d like to say that I’m glad to have had this chance to salute someone who stands alone, an actor who is a jack-of-all-trades, and a gentleman who is never a jerk. So as I go off to take care of some personal business, let me say: Fred Willard, this one’s for you!