(The last time there was a panic about OS going to the great blogosphere in the sky, I posted a version of this. It’s timely and it answers the Repost Open Call! And when the next OS panic occurs a year from now, I can post it again.)
I told my wife, “Open Salon would fall apart without me.” Then I take seven days off from the site and, sure enough, everyone is running around spouting doomsday scenarios. Well, you can settle down. I’m back. You’re welcome.
But I don’t understand why everyone is in such a panic. So what if Salon is going to
start paying its bloggers go down the tubes? I can find a lot of good things if OS shuts its doors.
At my new blogging site, where I’ll have an audience of one, it’ll be all EPs and I’ll always be top-rated.
Or I can go back to my old blogging site, i.e. walking around town muttering and screaming at nobody in particular.
I can finally start my book tour, which will be coming to your town
never very soon.
I’ll have more time for
I can get re-acquainted with my kids. I do have kids, right?
No more lectures from the trolls about what a miserable excuse for a human being I am. That job will rightfully go back to my wife, who’s damn good at it.
I can stop pretending to be a knee-jerk, bleeding-heart liberal and go back to being one of Rush’s dittoheads. I’d be proud to ride strapped to the roof of one of Ann Romney’s Cadillacs. I’ll even wear an adult diaper.
More time for my new paying gig, correcting the spelling on Tea Party signs. Hey, Joe, there’s no ‘a’ in ‘moron.’ Will that be cash or check?
No more posting comments about what a “brilliant piece of writing” a post is, when I only read the first and last paragraphs. Not that I’ve ever done that. And not that you’ve ever done that to me.
No more mass PMs to ignore.
The only dust-ups will be with my wife, which, unlike OS, brings the possibility of make-up sex.
I can finally sober up by discontinuing my “OS Drinking Game,” where I downed a shot every time a new spammer entered the feed. My blood-alcohol count is a higher number than Mitt Romney’s net worth.
I can stop lying to Joan H. about what an engaging writer she is, and I can stop lying to Lezlie about what a sweetheart she is, and I can stop lying to Matt about what a good guy he is, and I can stop lying to Con about how clever he is, and I can stop lying to Tink about how hilarious he is, and I can stop lying to Alysa Salzberg about … WAAAAAAAAAH! I miss you guys already! We can’t break up like this, right? We can pool our resources to keep this place going. I think I have a few
dollars quarters pennies in my piggy bank. We can keep it going! Yes, we can!
In the meantime, I’m going to watch the feed and get drunk.