GLENDALE, CA. – Reality-TV star Kim Kardashian, following a hint that she had dropped recently on her TV show, announced today that she is a candidate for mayor of Glendale, California. Standing before a banner showing her dressed demurely, which caused some observers to insist the picture was Photoshopped, she proclaimed her campaign slogan, “Since you always elect boobs and asses, why not the cream of the crop?”
The announcement by the daughter of the late Robert Kardashian, one-time lawyer for O.J. Simpson, was a celebrity affair. Besides her mother Kris and stepfather Bruce Jenner, Ms. Kardashian was flanked onstage by her sisters Khloe and Kourtney, half-sisters Kylie and Kendall, boyfriend Kanye West, basketball star Kobe Bryant, Casey Kasem, actor Kevin Kline, rapper Kool Keith, two members of the Kinks, Kris Kristofferson, and inexplicably Kato Kaelin. Ex-husband Kris Humphries was not present.
Ms. Kardashian announced that she was a political independent. Answering a question from a reporter, she said, “I like both the Democratic and Republican Parties. In fact, I like any party involving a lot of rich people.” She disavowed any affinity for the Tea Party, however, insisting that she only attends parties where Cristal is served.
The candidate insisted that she was a believer in open government. “I believe in transparency,” she said in her speech, “and I never cover up anything. The public should be able to see everything. Unlike Victoria, I have no secrets.” However, she added, “If there is a scandal, my dad taught me how to dispose of incriminating evidence.”
When a reporter asked if her sexually provocative image might be a campaign drawback, Ms. Kardashian laughed and said, “I’ve taken some racy pictures of myself? I think that proves I’m overqualified to be a politician.”
The candidate immediately demonstrated a creative approach to handling government issues. Asked if she would close Glendale’s budget gap by raising taxes or cutting spending, Ms. Kardashian said, “Neither, silly. I’ll just sell the media rights to my wedding with Kanye. Duh.” Reminded by a reporter that this would not address the long-term problem, she replied, “But I’ll be divorced within the year and I can just marry again. Kobe should be available by then, right?”
Ducking a question about Occupy Glendale, Ms. Kardashian refused to identify with either the 1% or the 99%, saying she was never good at math. Reminded of her statement, following a question about the Occupy movement at a charity diner, “Ooh, that cake looks so good,” she frowned and asked, “Who doesn’t like cake?”
(The candidate prepares for an interview at Fox News.)
Public reaction to Ms. Kardashian’s announcement was quick and generally positive. Presumptive Republican nominee Mitt Romney welcomed her candidacy. In a press release, Romney said, “I believe Ms. Kardashian has incorporated herself, making her highly qualified for public office.”
In a campaign swing through Ohio, President Barack Obama declared Ms. Kardashian’s candidacy a sure sign of the economy’s recovery. “It demonstrates that even Americans with no discernible skills are now confident about finding a job,” he said.
When contacted for comment, fellow reality-TV star Teresa Giudice said that she was considering running for Mayor of New Jersey. When the reporter told her that New Jersey, as a state, doesn’t have a mayor, she replied, “Don’t talk back to me, you lying, backstabbing bitch.”
Ms. Kardashian’s candidacy has already had a profound effect on international affairs. North Korean leader Kim Jong-un announced that he had canceled plans to launch a rocket attack on Seoul, South Korea this week, acknowledging that the news would have been ignored by the American media.
The Kardashian press conference came to a tragic end, however, when two reporters were trampled to death during a stampede following a quickly spreading rumor that Ted Nugent was about to announce his candidacy for Governor of Michigan.