Announcer: “Live from the Staples Center in Los Angeles, it’s the 54^th annual Grammy Awards, and here’s your host, a rapper who hasn’t had a hit in 20 years but coincidentally happens to be starring in a CBS series that needs promotion, LL Cool J.”

Host: “Thank you, Announcer. Tonight’s the night when all Recording Academy voters, including the older ones who think Tony Bennett is cutting edge, decide the fates of Radiohead, Nicki Minaj and Bon Iver.  Can’t you feel the excitement?  First, let’s see what Lady Gaga is wearing. [Close-up. Applause] Our first duet tonight will pair a mediocre band which has sustained its popularity primarily because its lead singer married a movie star, with an R&B singer who has a limited voice but is famous because she has important hip-hop friends and looks good in skimpy clothes.  Let’s give it up for Coldplay and Rihanna! [Applause]”

Host: “Wasn’t that great? To present our first award, here is someone whose mug shot will begin appearing in The Smoking Gun in the next twelve months. How about a big hand for Generic Teen Pop Idol? [Applause]”

Pop Idol: “Thank you. Long-Forgotten Jazz Player Who I’ve Never Heard Of was considered one of the most influential musicians in bebop.  I salute Long-Forgotten Jazz Player Who I’ve Never Heard Of on receiving a Lifetime Achievement Award Grammy. [Applause] Our next collaboration will feature two acts who never met until rehearsal.  Please welcome Hot New Band, who will be playing not their own songs, but will be backing Old Fogy Who Just Got a Hip Replacement, performing a medley of his overexposed hits from the ‘70s. [Applause]”

Host: “Now a trivia question: What do Christopher Cross, A Taste of Honey, Jody Watley, Milli Vanilli and the Starland Vocal Band have in common?  They’ve all won the prestigious Best New Artist Grammy, a sure indicator of long-term success.  This year’s nominees for Best New Artist are: a band that’s actually been recording since 2008; a band that’s actually been recording since 2005; an artist that will be selling real estate in two years; and an artist nobody except her family has heard of.  And the winner is: Somebody Who Will Never Appear On This Stage Again But Will Sell His Award on eBay to Buy Crack. [Applause]”

Best New Artist: “Thank you.  This is such an honor.  I’d like to thank my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, as well as my record label, my accountant, my agent, the ten people who bought my record, and let’s not forget my future bail bondsman. [Applause]”

Host: “Let’s take another shot of Lady Gaga to see what she’s wearing now. [Close-up. Applause] Our next presenter has nothing to do with music but stars in a weekly procedural here on CBS.  Please welcome Bland TV Star! [Applause]”

TV Star:  “Thank you.  Ludwig Van Beethoven composed some of the world’s most beloved symphonies and sonatas.  Congratulations to Ludwig Van Beethoven on receiving a Lifetime Achievement Award Grammy. And now, in their annual performance on this stage, in Dave Grohl’s yearly attempt to make Kurt Cobain spin in his grave over a perceived sellout, ladies and gentlemen: Foo Fighters! [Applause]”

Host: “Our next award is for Best Alternative Rock Album.  What’s the difference between Best Alternative Rock and Best Rock, you ask?  Well, judging by the fact that Wilco and Foo Fighters are now up for Best Rock after being nominated for Best Alternative Rock in the past, it means that Best Alternative is for rock musicians who are not yet eligible for AARP memberships.  And the winner is: Who Gives a Crap? by Mopey Indie Rock Dude Now Dating a Hot Actress. [Applause]” 

Indie Rock Dude: “Thanks.  I’d like to give a shout-out to the Ramones and the Clash for showing me the importance of doing it my own way with integrity, and I’d like to thank my record label and my agent for developing a good business plan.  I’d also like to thank Hot Actress, who is my soul mate and whose name is tattooed on my arm, and I’d like to thank in advance Even Hotter Actress, for whom I’ll be dumping Hot Actress in a couple weeks when I find out she has a better drug connection. [Applause]”

Host: “To show Russell Brand what he's missing, let’s see what Katy Perry is - or is not - wearing. [Close-up. Applause.] Now to present the award for Best Latin Recording … Ha ha, just kidding.  And now, together on our stage for the first time in decades without the presence of lawyers and mental health professionals, it’s the original Beach Boys! [Applause]  For no logical reason, helping these 70-year-old sing about their woodies are two hot young bands whose parents weren’t even born when Brian Wilson began suffering from acid burn-out. [Applause]” 

Host: “Let’s take one last random shot of Lady Gaga to see her latest costume change. [Close-up. Applause] Before the next performance, it’s time for our annual ponderous lecture from the head of the Recording Academy.  Please give a warm welcome to Old White Stiff in a Suit. [Applause]”

Head of Recording Academy: “Thank you, Mr. Cool J. I want all the viewers out there to stop illegally downloading music.  It rips off the artists.  Ripping off the artist is the label’s job. [Applause]  Thank you. Speaking of which, our next collaboration is a duet between two artists who, in a few years, will be suing their labels for ripping off their royalties. They are two of the top rappers in the world, which means old white guys like me will be taking a bathroom break now. [Applause]”

Host: “And the winner of the Best Rap Album is: Kanye West and Jay-Z for Watch the Throne. [Applause]”

Jay-Z: “I’d like to thank Beyonce and little baby Blue Ivy for making my life full. And I’d like to thank …”

Kanye: “Hold on, Jay, Imma let you finish your speech in a minute. But everybody knows my solo album was one of the greatest records of all time and should have won the award. Oh, since I won half a Grammy, I might as well thank my ego and my bank account. [Applause]”

Host: “Our final performance will be Adele performing her hit, “Rolling in the Deep.”  Since you’ve heard the song a million times and we want to spruce it up, Adele will be accompanied by Yo-Yo Ma on cello, the Los Angeles Philharmonic, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and the Alvin Ailey Dance Theater, wearing costumes designed by Stella McCartney.  This is a performance you’ll all be talking about around the water cooler tomorrow, even if only to say: what the hell was that? [Applause]”

Host: “Finally, the nominees for Album of the Year are: ah, who cares who the nominees are? You know the winner will be Adele because she’s the only one who sold a gazillion copies without making the critics puke.  Come up and get your award, Adele! [Applause]”

Adele: “I’d like to thank all the divas like Britney Spears, Katy Perry and Rihanna for acting like you have to trash it up to be famous, and making me seem like a refined lady by contrast even though I throw my old boyfriends under the bus in my songs. And to designer Karl Lagerfeld, who said I was too fat: to quote M.I.A. [Flips the bird]  Thank you. [Applause]”

Host: “That’s our show.  Until next year, keep on rocking.”