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Cranky Cuss

Cranky Cuss
Location
Ossining, New York, United States
Birthday
February 28
Bio
I am the author of "Send In the Clown Car: The Road to the White House 2012," currently available on Amazon and CreateSpace. I'm currently semi-retired after 23 years in a corporate environment. My motto: The conventional wisdom has too much convention, not enough wisdom. Corollary: Even Einstein was wrong sometimes, and you're not Einstein.

MY RECENT POSTS

DECEMBER 13, 2011 10:42AM

Goodbye Poop: A Child's Guide to Colonoscopies

Rate: 47 Flag

     

(Inspired by my colonoscopy yesterday. Apologies to Margaret Wise Brown and “Goodnight Moon”)

  

                                     colonoscopy 4

    

Hello laxative

Hello throne

Hello gurgling from my intestinal zone

     

Goodbye poop

Goodbye soup

Goodbye liquids in my digestive loop

    

Goodbye urine

Goodbye gas

Goodbye odors emanating from my ass

    

Goodbye corn

Goodbye beans

Goodbye tasty sources of proteins

    

                    colonoscopy 2

                      (old-school colonoscopies)

    

Goodbye fish

Goodbye meat

Goodbye fiber in the form of wheat

    

Goodbye cookies

Goodbye chips

Goodbye chocolate that attaches to my hips     

     

Goodbye yogurt

Goodbye juice

Goodbye stool that’s exceedingly loose

  

Goodbye pizza

Goodbye zitis

Goodbye carbs flushed out in my feces

        

Goodbye soda

Goodbye beer

Hello “I’m still on the toilet, dear” 

     

                             colonoscopy                             

    

Hello IV

Hello gown

Hello camera about to be shoved uptown

   

Goodbye consciousness

Hello sleep

Goodbye procedure of which I won’t hear a peep                 

    

Hello good news

Goodbye fears

Goodbye doctor for another five years

    

                      colonoscopy 3    

                    

     

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Comments

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Good health to you always! You were a brave fellow and we're all proud of you.
Shakespeare has nothin' on you, brother. Nor does Emily D.


r.
Only you could get me to read this, then rate. I hate the prep, love the drugs, enjoy the light and airy feeling that follows. Glad you got the "all clear."
Not sure you needed to cite a delicious source of protein here..... but, good on you. It can go in the library of Everybody Poops and Farts Stink.
Wait...I recall now...the famous Colonoscopy Balcony Scene from THE TAMING OF THE CRANK.
Did your doctor tell you that you have a lovely colon?

Glad it all turned out well!
Thanks. I just lived the nightmare all over again, except that my nightmare was more nightmarish than yours because I WOKE UP halfway thru the procedure. My shrink I'll never get over it.

Congratulations.
Shocking what we humans have to endure. I say this having recently spent an hour in an MRI tube with the 1812 Overture blasting in my ears. I'm happy for your good news.
Congrats for the "clean bill of health!" For me, the worst part of the entire process was having to gag down gallons of that salty, yucky "cleansing" stuff. Ugh. I'm still traumatized from that bit alone.
Glad it all came out in the end.
What? No pictures???

(BTW, isn't that gallon of stuff you get to drink delish???? ;) )
This, plus "Necessary Endings" by Diary of a Hopeful Starving Student.

Hello Mr. Margaret Wise Brown!
Oh how I hated my colonoscopy. I will never have another. NEVER!

I read this poem with dread. I felt like I was reliving the HORROR of it! I may have to lawyer up! I've been re-traumatized!
Just don't put the video on YouTube.
You are a brave brave man my friend
Too bad about the corn hahaha
HUGGGGGGGGGG
That is absolutely priceless and must be published!
This would make a nice pre-procedure brochure.
I guess it's a good idea to agree with commenters.

Just yesterday
my Granddaughter said She will no longer be a vet.
She found out that vets have to check a dogs poop.
She changed her mind. She wants to be a doctor.
She wants to be a part time ballet dance, farmer,

Surgeon, piano player, Opera Singer - no blogger.
She dreams of being a gourmet short-order cook.
I told her to be careful the crock-pot don't blow up.

Her room is filled with stuffed animals and body posters.
She really is fascinated about how the human body functions.
I suggest that She become a nun in a convent and sweep floors.
She told her little brother to go wash his foul butt in the bathtub.
And people wonder why I refuse the procedure...
Why I chose this one for my lunch hour is a mystery. (Glad you are healthy.) ~r
Congratulations on the successful procedure, Cranky. =o)

rated.
Brilliant. Not only have you amused me for the afternoon but you've also given me twitter fodder and alleviated my fears of a future procedure.
Have never had one ...but it sounds even more fun that the dreaded mammogram. ("Just place one here, hon, and try not to move while I smash it into 1/4" boobcake.)
Loved your take, and glad your results were good! R
My body's reaction to that gallon of liquid was pure hell. The only good thing about the entire ordeal was propofol. This post doesn't seem to include the violent, explosive preamble to the procedure, so I like it a lot.

Lezlie
Dianaani stole my comment. Bar none the best poem evah about colonoscopies. I think you might start an occupy bowel movement.
Cranky,

So it was shoved uptown... huh? :)

Oh, how we all admire your talent! You are a treasure.
mhold,

I am flattered that you have mentioned my writing. But we all know that my post pales in comparison to Cranky's genius. :)
Richard: A very amusing take on a very intimidating "procedure." I could say I laughed my ass off, but I won't/\.

I'd also like to mention this: as odious as it can seem, as vile as the laxative may taste, it's the one preventive examination that everyone over 50 should plan on having. The inconvenience is as nothing compared to what the test can do for a body's life span
I gotta start gettin em in 5 yrs or so, cuz Dad
went and got colon cancer and had to have an ostomy bag...
this helps. truly.

sounds nice , actually. all the food leaving.
"clean as a whistle!" as Dad used to say.
Oh


MY!

Did you say.... end results?
Glad all that is over dear
And results were all clear
I will never under go another one
I had my throat and stomach one after this on the same day
I remember asking that they please use a clean tube for that
Later on I woke up....
Only you could make it sound fun.
Glad you are all nice and clean and healthy! I just had my fifth C a year ago...every three years now post cancer. How I hate the prep...I've had every incarnation of it, and puke it up for the next week regardless. Love those drugs though....that's apparently what Michael Jackson took every night. We can understand why.
Did the doctor at least buy you lunch?
I really love the last bit of news. Don't you feel twenty pounds lighter and ...clean? Don't go eating anything and messing it all up again! (Nobody ever listens to me.)
Glad you lived to tell the tail.
The prep for the "tunnel vision" was indeed foul, but not enough to preclude me from my return visits. I rather enjoyed the nap.
I think we covered this subject for a while! I always thought you were a little anal! I'm sorry! I, too - been there, done that! R
Have I told you lately that you rock?
Hope you are feeling great! Loved this!
And did you steal my title? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Even better...this makes up for only a few comments on my poem, your piece bypasses mine by far, LOL!
I could not be more serious: you could get this published as a book NOW. There's a big market for Baby Boomer/Senior combos like this. Tellin' ya, man.
wonderfully accurate
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! This should be in book form with a copy in EVERY gastroenterologist's office.
Soooo rated.
omg..lol..besides the occasional colonoscopy - perhaps politics is more, ahem, up your alley??? Hilarious, Richard! Goes, um, let's just say 'hand-in-hand' with my little ditty on pap shmeres! yes, i said shmere..hmm..perhaps i spelled it wrong? Schmere? lol
I've got the song just about memorized. I'll have it down cold by the time school starts and I begin another year as a substitute. What better way to win the kids' attention?
I can't believe I'm smiling about a colonoscopy. Fun stuff.
a big thumbs up...but not uptown! Got my all clear last year! Such an important thing to do...hysterical, per usual!
Well, that was cleansing.
So do you like Tween Wave?
You bring out the best in me with posts like this...
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