I will be attempting to live blog during the Super Bowl, because I never miss an opportunity to make a fool of myself. Besides, I have no rooting interest in the game, except for hoping that Ben Roethlisberger leaves the field with at least one less testicle than he started.
5:45 pm: Nice line in a pre-game bit: They're calling Jay Cutler "Fifty Cent" because you only get two quarters out of him.
5:53 pm: Now some NFL greats will read the Declaration of Independence. Because nothing says "America" like men who have suffered multiple concussions and need hip or knee replacements. And wasn't Thomas Jefferson the first to say, "Are you ready for some football?"
6:02 pm: I like Joe Buck and Troy Aikman. A recent Sports Illustrated study showed that they spoke the fewest words per minute of any of the prominent broadcast teams, and less is more. At least, that's what I keep telling my wife.
6:11 pm: Oh my God. I just realized both teams are wearing yellow pants. I don't know what that means, but the word "masculinity" doesn't come to mind.
6:13 pm: Oh my God part deux. Christina Aguilera will sing the National Anthem. Odds on a subtle performance are not promising.
6:20 pm: Singing "America the Beautiful," Lea Michele of Glee, which is - surprise, surprise - a Fox show. Patriotic tributes are now forms of station promos.
6:22 pm: Somebody please tell Aguilera that "light" is a one-syllable word, not five.
6:29 pm: Thanks, Michael Douglas. D-Day, Iwo Jima, "I Have a Dream," 9/11, Super Bowl XLV. Nothing like perspective. Kick off the f***ing ball already!
6:35 pm: Actual football analysis: I hadn't realized that this is the Steeler center Legursky's first pro start, replacing their regular center who's injured. I wouldn't be surprised to see a crucial mistake from him during the game.
6:49 pm: Camera shows a big wrapping around Roethlisberger's right foot. Is that to hide an ankle monitor?
6:51 pm: Question: do any of these big companies - Budweiser, Pepsi - actually increase sales as a result of their Super Bowl ads?
6:55 pm: Black-Eyed Peas at halftime. Imma be cringing.
6:58 pm: Ugh. Camera shows Dubya in the stands, then A-Rod. Good thing I'm not armed or I would have done an Elvis on the TV set.
7:01 pm: Green Bay 7, Pittsburgh 0. Matt Paust is smiling. Probably first Super Bowl TD scored by a guy named Jordy.
7:02 pm: And the Pepsi Max ad gives us our first "shot to the groin." I had the second quarter in my pool.
7:08 pm: And the Pack run an interception back for a TD. 14-0. Oh God, Matt's going to be unbearable tomorrow if this continues.
7:09 pm: Eminem in an iced-tea commercial! Didn't see that coming.
7:12 pm: General Kos: the Doritos ads were more disturbing than funny.
7:15 pm: Roethlisberger limping much worse than Jay Cutler, then runs for 25 yards. Impressive.
7:23 pm: Damn, Steelers settle for FG. 14-3 Packers. I'm rooting for Green Bay but I want a close game.
7:24 pm: WTF? Bud ad in a Western saloon where they break out into Elton John's "Tiny Dancer." Pass me some of what they're smoking,
7:28 pm: A Bowie song in a car ad. Will the last rock star to sell out please turn off the lights?
7:33 pm: That VW ad with the little Darth Vader was cute. But the money spent on that Coke commercial would have fed the homeless of a mid-size city for a month.
7:39 pm: A couple of nice 1st down pickups by Big Ben. I'm finding myself admiring his skills. Uh oh.
7:41 pm: A log knocks over Roseanne Barr in a Snickers commercial. Probably a lot of people are cheering. Me, I like Rosanne.
7:42 pm: And as soon as I praise Roethlisberger, he throws an INT.
7:47 pm: 21-3 Packers. Pass the cheese.
7:50 pm: Chevy ad offers real-time Facebook updates. It's officially the Apocalypse.
7:57 pm: Nice drive by the Steelers for a TD, keeping it a game at 21-10 just before halftime. I love Steeler coach Mike Tomlin, who always looks like the coolest guy on the field, same expression whether he's winning or losing.
8:04 pm: Good point by Jimmy Johnson about the Packers' excellent tackling on Mendenhall. My Jets tackled him like they had Vaseline on their hands.
8:10 pm: Cool entrance by the Peas. Not a big fan, but thank God they stopped hiring more rock stars on Social Security. Props for rhyming "Mazel Tov" and "Take it off."
8:13 pm: Visually: VERY impressive.
8:14 pm: I hope this doesn't come off wrong, but Fergie scares me. She's got quite a figure, but her face looks a little hard, like she's survived some hard living in the past (which supposedly she did). But she's a good performer.
8:17 pm: That leaping split by Usher made my crotch cringe. He's one talented dude.
8:22 pm: Wow, that was impressive. Not my cup of tea musically, but I'd take that over 1960s retreads anyday.
8:23 pm: Sealy mattresses advertising sex in the morning. On the front page of the coupon flyer in today's paper was coupons for not just Trojan condoms, but also for a vibrating cock ring. Goodbye, Leave It to Beaver.
8:25 pm: And the Ramones music in an ad for thedaily.com. I'll bet the band never expected that 35 years ago.
8:36 pm: Bad sequence for the Pack. James Jones drops a sure TD pass, then on the punt return, they get called for a non-existent face-mask penalty.
8:38 pm: OZZY!!! Bieber's a bat. Bite his head off!
8:42 pm: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a game. Another Steeler TD makes it 21-17. Right now, Matt's sweating so much that chili is oozing out of his pores.
8:44 pm: Mini Cooper ad invites you to "cram it in the boot." Gets the award for most sexually disturbing ad so far, and the bar is set high, thanks to the Doritos ad with the guy sucking the cheesy remnants off his co-worker's finger. Nothing funnier than homoeroticism.
8:49 pm: Boy, has the momentum changed. Packers starting to look like they're running up a steep hill.
8:50 pm: Did that Groupon ad with Timothy Hutton exploit the suffering of the Tibetan people to save money? Or did I misundertand?
8:54 pm: I liked Adrien Brody singing in that Stella Artois ad. I still think his performance in "The Pianist" was one of the best I've ever seen.
9:00 pm: Excellent defensive stand by the Packers. They may have finally slowed the momentum.
9:02 pm: Eminem for Chrysler. Sounds like an awful idea, but wasn't at all. Like the way he stood up for Detroit.
9:04 pm: Sorry I haven't kept up with the comments. I'm having enough trouble paying attention to the TV and writing simultaneously.
9:21 pm: End of third quarter. I'm running out of gas. Just like the Packers offense.
9:24 pm: BIG fumble by the Steelers. I was just thinking they were about to take the lead.
9:25 pm: Aaron Rodgers hasn't been too impressive for Green Bay. Of course, a lot of that has to do with the Steeler D being in his face and good coverage by the Steeler DBs.
9:31 pm: And as soon as I criticize Rodgers, he takes them in for a TD. You can't get football analysis like this anywhere else.
9:36 pm: Enough with the freakin' ads for animated films! What is this, SpongeBob SquarePants?
9:43 pm: Beautiful TD pass from Roethlisberger to Wallace. Big Ben may be a scumbag as a person, but he's a damned good QB. And I love the trick play for the 2-point conversion. 28-25 Packers, and we still have a contest. My Steeler friends Susan Creamer Joy, Boanerges and rjheart still have hope.
9:48 pm: Love the House takeoff on the Mean Joe Greene Coke commercial.
9:49 pm: Ouch! Aaron Rodgers has been hit 16 times. No wonder he's looked so inconsistent. And as soon as I type that, he completes a beautiful long pass to Greg Jennings. I can't believe I don't have a job as a professional analyst.
9:56 pm: With just over two minutes to go, 31-25 Packers. My prediction in my Friday post: 31-24 Packers. I'm psychic. Or do I mean psycho?
10:01 pm: OK, I might be replaying the Kim Kardashian ad for Skechers. Don't judge.
10:05 pm: And the Steelers are stopped with 49 seconds left, and the Packers are about to win Super Bowl XLV. Great game. Congratulations to Cheeseheads everywhere. Congrats to my buddy Matt Paust, and to Packer fans Steve S. and Jerry DeNuccio.
This was fun. Should I do it again next week for the Grammys? NOT IF YOU PAID ME!!