Forget it, Jake. This is the blogosphere.

Cranky Cuss

Cranky Cuss
Location
Ossining, New York, United States
Birthday
February 28
Bio
I am the author of "Send In the Clown Car: The Road to the White House 2012," currently available on Amazon and CreateSpace. I'm currently semi-retired after 23 years in a corporate environment. My motto: The conventional wisdom has too much convention, not enough wisdom. Corollary: Even Einstein was wrong sometimes, and you're not Einstein.

MY RECENT POSTS

Editor’s Pick
SEPTEMBER 3, 2010 11:41AM

Now a Word From Your Local Supermarket

Rate: 52 Flag

   

“Attention, shoppers!

 

“Please be advised that there are other customers in the store beside you.  It would be very helpful if you would not leave your cart in the middle of the aisle while choosing a box of cereal or talking to a friend.  Please pull the cart to the side so other shoppers can get around.  This is especially true if you are at the beginning of an aisle.  In addition, it would be helpful if you continued to face forward while pushing your cart to prevent collisions.

 

“Please be advised that the new self-scanner can be a tricky device to use and sometimes is balky.  If you could not stop the “12:00” from flashing on your VCR, it is recommended that you do not use the self-scanner.

 

“Please be advised that if you are wearing low-rider jeans and you bend over to get something from the lowest shelf, you will be revealing more of your can goods than is recommended.  Just sayin’.

 

“Please be advised that the aisle marked “12 Items or Less” is calculated in base-10 numerals not base-64.  Twelve means a dozen, as in eggs.

 

“Please be advised that, when we are ringing up your order, it is not a good time to be chatting with your best friend on your cell phone about your hard day at work.  It is recommended that you put down the phone and help bag your groceries in consideration to your fellow shoppers in line behind you.

 

“Please be advised that the checkout clerks did not program the computer, so if an incorrect price appears after scanning, it is not their fault.  Do not yell at them.

 

“Please be advised that you should not ask the young men who work here to help you bag your groceries.  Since they can’t even pull up their pants, you can’t expect them to put your milk and bread in separate bags.   

 

“Please be advised that customers do not like to hear kids at the checkout counter screaming because they can’t have a Kit Kat bar.  Yes, we put the chocolate bars at the check-out counter.  It is a test of your parental skills and you are failing.   

 

“Please be advised that when backing out of your parking space, there may be other customers pushing their cart and walking their children behind you.  In the interest of safety, please put down the cell phone until you have arrived home.

 

“Thank for shopping at your friendly neighborhood supermarket, where the customer is #1, and have a nice day.”

Author tags:

shopping is hell

Your tags:

TIP:

Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Recipient's email address:
Personal message (optional):

Your email address:

Comments

Type your comment below:
You made me laugh...and how I wish someone would put these over the loudspeaker!
R
I tend to like supermarkets, can't say why. It must be the carts.
Haha! We definitely need to have this posted somewhere in every grocery store.
Cranky, we have got to change your name. You just make me roar with laughter!
"Yes, we put the chocolate bars at the check-out counter. It is a test of your parental skills and you are failing." So very true.
Reason number thirty three why I will miss the farmer's market when it shuts down for the season and Stop and Shop becomes my only option. Whoever comes up with a way to buy food over the internet will be a gazillionaire.
Ive had several melt downs in supermarkets. I think they need counselors on every aisle.
Please be advised that if you shop on "extra discount for senior citizens day" that you will have to wait in line longer because it's "wait while I find my change and count out the pennies to you day" also.
Oh so true...sorry, that was my cart, but I just ran into So-and So and I just had to tell all about each stage of planting petunias with the new soil mix... : )
Please be advised that if you're paying by check, don't wait for everything to be rung up before trying to find your checkbook in that suitcase you call a pocketbook. You could really have everything filled out but the price. Thank you, and come again!
Will they even let you back in Stop N Shop after this? I'm still laughing!:)
Now I know that, like me, you do the supermarket shopping for your family. Speaking of which.......later
I just ran into the clerk from hell in Walmart and i was going to do a piece on her hahaha
Excellent and rated with hugs
Maybe we could make flyers with these suggestions, and hand them out at supermarkets as a PSA . . .
What a shockinly profound post. There clearly ought to be laws. Thanks for pointing this out.
People are braindead. I like to shop early in the morning and GTFO of there before anybody but employees are in the store...
hehehe terrific one, Richard! r.
And please be advised if you are the one who knocks over the bottle of Extra Virgin Olive Oil, it would be the kind thing to do to go get a clerk and warn others to avoid the spill, rather than laughing and walking away. I wish I could give you a P for Perfection, Cranky, but I can only give you an R. Great post!
Excellent, Cranky! So observant of decorum of you. I cannot undersatnd why people lack commonsense and be considerate. May I add one more to your list?
~If you decide not to buy those frozen lima beans do so at the check out, and not just leave them on the shelf with cereals. Thank you !
Rated.
"Please be advised that if your 18 month old child has been projectile vomiting all morning, it is best to stay home and shop another day."

Yes. I didn't even hear the splash when it hit me.

The mom: "Oh, oops, I thought he was all done with that!"
What Buffy said. Cell phones should be banned in stores.
I loathe grocery shopping to the point that after almost 20 years of being divorced [and being forced to do it on a regular basis] I married a man who loves the supermarket. He will go there, anytime for any reason. I'm sure he hasn't even noticed anything you have written about - and I'm not about to let him see this post :)
we need to shop together.

"Please be advised that some customers are armed with tasers and will use them on you if you invade their personal space while standing in line."
Can goods! That's great. And when are people going to realize that talking on cell phones during any transaction is rude, rude, rude...? I always hate watching a clerk trying to be polite to someone who's on the phone and too busy to interact with them.

Stores need to play nice, too. I once complained at a local Safeway because they'd put stacks of things in the middle of the aisles--stuff that was on sale or whatever. The aisles are only wide enough for two carts to pass each other, so the "stacks" created a bottleneck one-way in every aisle, and also covered up stuff on the shelves behind the stacks that I needed. I told them I'd stop shopping there if they kept doing that. Apparently other people felt the same way, since they did cut it out. I know that was probably a Recession-driven stunt, but still.
I wish the computer illiterates who are blocking our pathway in the self scanning lanes would read this--but again... there's no hope that any of them could access OS either.
"Please be advised that, as soon as we learn that you like one of our items, we will immediately stop carrying it".
Please be advised that available shopping carts are parked outside the store. It is not okay to swipe the cart of a person who is making a transaction at the banking counter while her back is turned.

Another good one, Crankster! Your post, I mean.

Lezlie
"Please be advised that if you forget that one item don't send your kid to the far side of the store to fetch it while the line piles up behind you. Pay for whats in your cart then go back and get it later.''
Well. I cannot handle the VCR doodads, and no, I haven't figured out the self serve scanners yet, either. I tried once. I nearly got arrested for shoplifting!
Hahaha! This is sweet! I'm guilty of the "low rider jeans" one! Hehehehe.

-R-
Why, Cranky, didn't you know that grocery stores are the one place that offers dispensation from norms of courtesy, and that the bigger they are, the more unqualified the dispensation becomes? Well, there's airplanes, too.
Cranky, this is spot on. I always enjoy your razor sharp insights.

Rated.
Well said, except for the low-rise jeans comment. That's part of the fun of shopping for me. I have actually traveled to neighborhoods where the young babes prefer to shop just so I can catch some squatting down action. (Unless, wink wink, you are married and don't want the misses to know.)

I wish more stores would put the yogurt and the health foods consumed by the younger babes on more of the lower shelves!
Ha Ha! This Lady noticed that one of the young male shop assistants had a cute ass so she asked him to help her out to her car with her groceries. "I have an itchy pussy!" she said and the young man said, "You'll have to point it out to me love-these bloody Japanese cars all look the same to me!" Get it? - he thought she said, "Mitsubishi!"
You'd be singing a different tune if you saw me in low-rider jeans.
Oh Steve, admit it, you KNOW we want to see you in the buff!
I'd love to hear that over the intercom! It might make me want to buy a Kit Kat bar and eat it...right in front of the 5-year-old pitching a fit for one.
Ha! Love this! I am also fascinated by how many times you have to move your food in the supermarket. Once into the cart, then onto the conveyor, then into a bag, then into your car, then out of your car and into your fridge. It's exhausting!
oh man, you speak for me, too. We were at the zoo today (the real zoo, not the grocery store) and one mother had her phone glued to her ear the whole time I saw her. Really? you go to the zoo with your babies to talk on the phone? People are just strange. Course, I don't have kids...I'm beginning to think that was probably the best decision I ever made.
Cranky - You make me laugh when no one else can. This is great and every word is so true. Blow it up 1000% and post it in every supermarket across the country. Then get someone to stand underneath it and explain it to all those who are incapable of doing all the things you talk about.
Excellent post and it covered every single annoying thing about supermarket shopping. You have a way with comedy..was lol! Thanks for this.
I loved it, Cranky. Well done.

There are also many folks for whom the proposition that they will be asked to pay for their groceries once the groceries are rung up comes comes as a total, stunning, earth-shaking surprise. They make no attempt whatsoever to commence that endless search for their money or checkbook until the total has been announced to them at least twice.
Rated for this gem alone: If you could not stop the “12:00” from flashing on your VCR, it is recommended that you do not use the self-scanner. HA! Funny post, CC.
This is the epitome of crankiness. But, it's what everyone thinks. Hmmmm, if everyone thinks this way then why don't people at the grocery get it?
Or, please be advised that the checker who has a conversation with the person ahead of you while checking and then a conversation with the person behind you while checking your groceries isn't making an editorial comment about your personality, they're just rude.
Yes...these announcements should be cycled through the PA system even if embedded in muzac...especially the stuff about the cell phones and baggers pants. Funny funny man! r
Very good points made here. I never use the self-check out. I want it to be inconvenient to the supermarket to have them, so they'll be forced to hire more clerks. It is my silent protest at these stupid machines and cheap-skate supermarkets for installing these.
Happy Blogging,
Heather
It's the little things that getcha, wally world(walmart) is the worst, but they do have the cheapest prices.
How about the people who rearrange their entire handbag when putting their debit card away, then look for their keys, or god knows what, all in slow motion, before they take their groceries and get the hell out of the way so the next person's groceries can be put through?
You didn't mention the tabloids with the screaming "Hilary Clinton Adopts Alien Baby!" headlines at checkout. That always slows me down.
CC, thank you for recommending this. I did read it when you posted but it brought back horrid memories of going to one of those box / warehouse stores with friends... friends who had a big truck. You probably know that that is never a good idea.

You are a keen observer of the 'human condition'. To write about it in a humourous manner is a talent. Kudos - and thank you for leaving me a reminder about this article.
And while I'm glad you have a day off and you don't have to wear your nice jeans and a shirt without holes, would you do the rest of the world a favor and wear a bra? You may think you're a hott mess with that tight see-through tank top, but the rest of us just see a mess.

Also, if I see you zooming past an elderly woman to get that handicapped parking space, and you get out and jog across the parking lot, I will make sure you actually need that blue and white sticker on your license plate.

Mhmm. Thank you.
While you are updating the announcement add one for Costco on a Saturday: Please do not abandon your cart in the middle of the aisle to make a diving lunge for pizza rolls they are sampling. This store is full of food, people, we are reasonably certain you won't die of starvation before you check out.