Molly Schoemann

Molly Schoemann
Location
Garner, North Carolina,
Birthday
April 04
Bio
I am an NYC ex-pat who currently lives in Garner, North Carolina.

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SEPTEMBER 29, 2011 8:01AM

Banish Guilt with New Karmic Offsets!

Rate: 1 Flag

Feeling guilty about the amount of bad energy you are releasing into the world every day with your terrible attitude and your evil deeds? You are right to feel bad—that energy is building up, gaining momentum, and breaking down the goodwill and kind actions of others.  Your karmic footprint is growing increasingly negative with each snide remark you make, and thoughtless act you commit.

But fear not—as long as you have money, you can put things right again. Our new Karmic Offset program allows you to purchase good deeds to offset the cruel and mean ones you do every day. Our pricing is reasonable, and it ensures that your guilt is a temporary thing.  In fact, you can atone instantly on our website using your Visa, American Express or Mastercard.

Push an old lady at the supermarket who was standing in the way of the probiotic yogurt? For only $75, a member of our staff will take a five year old girl out to ice cream—and for $85, we’ll even let her get rainbow sprinkles!

Cut someone off in traffic and give them the finger? Purchase $150 worth of good karma on our site and we’ll plant a bunch of daisies in front of an old folks’ home! Throw in an extra $25 and we’ll even smile and wave at the lonely residents as they watch us through the front window!

Karmic Offsets are the new and practical way for jerks like you to hypothetically atone for their unsavory actions without having to actually do anything—except spend!

If you’re not sure how bad your selfish action was, call our toll-free 800 number to describe it to a licensed karmic specialist.  They’ll tell you exactly how much it will cost to take back whatever you did with cold hard cleansing cash.

Call now to start contributing good to make up for all of the awful things you do every day!  For a reasonable sum, your influence in the world can be a positive one.

 

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Comments

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Love it! Do you have any five-year maintenance plans? You know, for stuff like unintended consequences?