When my wife and first married, we often gave each other romantic gifts. One memorable Valentine’s Day, for instance, it was an expensive, sexy, see-through Parisian negligee. I got her something nice, too.
As we’ve gotten older, however, the gifts have become more pragmatic than romantic. For a recent anniversary, we got each other computers. Then a few years ago we started buying our own presents. We turn them over to our spouse for wrapping and then feign surprise when we open our gift. With my slip-gear memory, many times I forget what I got myself and my surprise is genuine.
Recently, my lovely bride violated our self-gifting protocol and bought me a present for no apparent reason. Er, socks. Not just any socks, mind you, but hosiery specifically designed to warm my feet, increase my blood circulation, and give me a column topic.
These socks contain “100% organic bamboo charcoal” harvested from “five-year-old Moso bamboo found in the high mountains of Taiwan.” I know Pandas eat bamboo and presumably have warm paws and excellent circulation, but why import the stuff when domestic charcoal can be found in the wilds of your neighborhood 7-Eleven?
Perhaps it’s because my gift socks’ charcoal has special “antimicrobial qualities” to keep my feet from stinking. Ah, romance!
As if that weren’t enough, my socks sport “a unique three-dimensional weave.” Not sure why, but I can rest assured there‘s virtually no chance James Cameron will convert my socks into 3-D—they already are.
Another key feature: When warmed by the skin, these socks release “good infrared anions.” This begs the question, what the hell are “anions”? Google says anions are “atoms or groups of atoms that have gained electrons.” Atoms, as you may know, already contain neutrons, protons, fig newtons and morons, so I’m guessing the more electrons the merrier.
So, at this very moment, my tootsies are comfortably, warmly sheathed in Chinese-grown, USA-made, scent-free, antimicrobial, smell-stealthy, atomic, barbeque Panda Chow footwear. My feet have never felt, nor smelt, better. Stay tuned.