The answer to second-hand smoke: second-hand coffee
Smokers are amongst the rudest people on Earth. We, the free breathers in this society, are constantly being forced to inhale second-hand smoke upon exiting an office building, walking down a city sidewalk, standing on subway platforms, strolling through college campuses and any at other place where the public gathers. Moreover, smokers feel they can put out their cigarettes anywhere, leaving their butts as self-incriminating testimony of their rudeness. To this day I am still baffled that people can freely walk around waving these mini torches through the air endangering any person with in arms reach.
I propose a solution: National Second-Hand coffee day. Here, smokers must refrain from smoking in public for just one day. Should the smoker leave private property and light up, they will be met with second-hand coffee. If a smoker introduces a plume of smoke into your breathing space, I say introduce a wave of scolding hot coffee into his breathing space. If smokers clog your nostrils with unwanted second-hand smoke, make it tough for them to breath by burning their nostrils shut with a boiling hot cup of joe. The carcinogens in second-hand smoke hurt our ability to reproduce; in turn, we should be allowed to affect their ability to reproduce by blasting their crotches with a 205 degree Dunkin Donuts large. How long will people continue to smoke at the entrance of your office when you come to work armed with two venti extra hot lattes from Starbucks? I am guessing it will only take one trip to the emergency room for those nicotine junkies to get the message.
People who oppose this initiative say it is anti-American. America is based on freedom of choice. The smoker chooses to smoke - it is their right! Excuse my ignorance, but I don’t remember Jefferson guaranteeing “Life, liberty, and the pursuit of lung cancer”. My right to breathe smoke-free air supersedes anyone’s right to smoke in public.
Smokers react as if I am asking them to cut off a finger or to forfeit their first-born; I simply ask for one day a year that no one smokes in public. Smoke at home. Smoke in your car. I am not asking for the impossible. Yet, if for that one day you find the urge to smoke in public so overwhelming that you can’t stop yourself, and if you are so ignorant to believe that your smoke flying into my face, infringing upon my personal space, is not criminal and a health risk, then you should be totally understanding and forgiving when I can’t stop my coffee from flying into the air and possibly into your face.
Image by Quinn Dombrowski used under Creative Commons. Some rights reserved.