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Coolhand Jones

Coolhand Jones
Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA
January 26
Loyal Order of Water Buffaloes Lodge No. 26
LDR Entertainment
I was born in a log cabin in Walla Walla, Wash. I won the Scripps-Howard National Spelling Bee at age 10, and the World Series of Poker at 15. After inventing Pizza Rolls, I tried my luck in the Internet boom of the '90s. Sadly, there was no real need for on-demand futon upholstery. After going bankrupt, I successfully graduated from Marquette University with a degree in journalism. I have held positions as a chimney sweep, international man of mystery, Elvis impersonator, and original gangsta. In my spare time, I enjoy full-scale re-enactments of the War of 1812; collecting potato chips that resemble 20th century magicians; distilling vinegar; interstate racing - Cannonball Run style; spelunking in the caves of Borneo, and taunting the Swiss. I also believe it's entirely possible that I’m the sole heir to the Jim Morrison estate. I vehemently deny rumors linking him to It-Girl Pia Zadora and I am looking forward to my impending eating disorder that will couple my obnoxiously, overbearing fame - which will be immediately followed by my “E! True Hollywood Story.” I also like bunny rabbits.


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SEPTEMBER 22, 2010 10:50AM

The Best Sports Names of All Time

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Editor’s Note: At the start of this grand experiment called my blog, I promised you excerpts from my new novel “Hot Wings & Rug Burns”. After dealing with limitations (read: formatting restrictions), I figured out how much of a pain releasing full chapters would be. But fear not, my novel is riddled with lists (and hopefully funny ones). I thought I would start sharing those with you at the very least. Just keep in mind, these things were written in character! 

I thought you might be interested in another list. Here are the top athlete names of all time regardless of the sport or their rate of success. The only rules: you have to be American (since some foreign names just sound funny simply because they’re foreign). And you can’t change your name, therefore World B. Free was eliminated from the competition. 

9) Rollie Fingers – Major League pitcher. This was a close call between him and another major leaguer Coco Crisp. I give Rawley the edge because of his handlebar mustache. Handlebar mustaches always win as far as I’m concerned. 

8) Razor Shines – Played for the Montreal Expos. I don’t know anything else about him besides he has one of the sweetest names ever. 

7) Jarvis Redwine – Ex-Vikings running back. A name so cool, I borrowed half of it for a character in one of my stories. 

6) Mookie Blaylock – NBA point guard. And the original name for the band Pearl Jam. That’s good enough for me. 

5) Buster Rhymes – Another ex-Viking. A kickoff return specialist for them, and the inspiration for rapper Busta Rhymes’ name. The original Buster was quoted after he was drafted, “Minnesota, Ohio – I hear it’s a great place to play.” My high school football coach, and history teacher gave us an annual geography test in honor of Buster, so we would never say something to embarrass him if we ever got drafted. 

4) Oil Can Boyd – Red Sox pitcher. Quite good too, but was involved in the tragic ’86 season. Not his fault, but he was there. 

3) Baskerville Holmes – Memphis basketball player. Came from a family of twenty-three kids. You have to respect the parents for being so clever. His story turns tragic, so I’ll try to keep it light. 

2) Sonny Sixkiller – Quarterback for the University of Washington. Played some in the CFL and World Football League, but never really caught on in the NFL. Also had a pretty good role in the Butch Reynolds masterpiece “The Longest Yard”. 

1) Xrey Hipp – Maryland college basketball player. The name speaks for itself. 

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