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Coolhand Jones

Coolhand Jones
Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA
January 26
Loyal Order of Water Buffaloes Lodge No. 26
LDR Entertainment
I was born in a log cabin in Walla Walla, Wash. I won the Scripps-Howard National Spelling Bee at age 10, and the World Series of Poker at 15. After inventing Pizza Rolls, I tried my luck in the Internet boom of the '90s. Sadly, there was no real need for on-demand futon upholstery. After going bankrupt, I successfully graduated from Marquette University with a degree in journalism. I have held positions as a chimney sweep, international man of mystery, Elvis impersonator, and original gangsta. In my spare time, I enjoy full-scale re-enactments of the War of 1812; collecting potato chips that resemble 20th century magicians; distilling vinegar; interstate racing - Cannonball Run style; spelunking in the caves of Borneo, and taunting the Swiss. I also believe it's entirely possible that I’m the sole heir to the Jim Morrison estate. I vehemently deny rumors linking him to It-Girl Pia Zadora and I am looking forward to my impending eating disorder that will couple my obnoxiously, overbearing fame - which will be immediately followed by my “E! True Hollywood Story.” I also like bunny rabbits.


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SEPTEMBER 10, 2010 12:33PM

10 Things I "Know" I Think

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Editor’s Note: We here at Pop Kult Boom are all for giving fair credit where credit is due. Peter King (one of our favs) writes a weekly NFL column for Sports Illustrated. He concludes each column with “10 Things I Think I Think”. We here at PKB are just a little bit more sure of ourselves.

 1.    At this point, I don’t have much hope that “Ghostbusters 3” will ever happen. The “boy-genius” writers who were in charge of handing in a script failed hard with last year’s “Year One” – and that kinda soured the taste on moving forward for everyone. Don’t feel too bad for them, all they have to do is slump back to write on “The Office” so things could be worse – but I was more than a little intrigued by what may have transpired in this sequel. I already told you that Bill Murray was looking to have a cameo as a ghost, which is simply brilliant. But apparently it now sounds like the star of the film (which probably would have been played by Seth Rogen) was to be the child of Peter Venkman and Dana Barrett (Murray and Sigourney Weaver) all growed up, now tackling the family business. Cross your fingers that this one still gets a shot. 

2.    New from the world of video games (the real money maker in entertainment dollars these days) Civilization V is coming. It sounds quite cool. In it you gain knowledge, found cities, fight wars, build wonders of the world, and essentially relive all history of human society. It’s also rated E – for everyone! Teach your kids any way you can. 

3.    “Running Wilde” was on my radar before, but now I’m really excited about it. Reuniting Will Arnett (one of the funniest dudes on the planet) and his “Arrested Development” creator Mitchell Hurwitz, this new Fox sit-com also features the oh-so-lovely “Felicity” aka Keri Russell, whom I have been in lust with since “Honey, I Blew Up the Kid”. If this pairing wasn’t enough, fellow Arrested-alum David Cross has now been added to the cast. If they make some mention of never-nude, I will be one happy camper. 

4.    You know this 250 movies of the 2000s running blog I’m doing? Anyway, I am – just check the records for proof. I’m amazed at the single question I’ve been asked most often because of it – What is the scariest movie you’ve ever seen? The answer is simple, complete with an anecdote. My friend Pat Riley (no, not the Lakers’ coach) rented “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” one sleepover. Now, at this point, I never really saw any R-rated horror movie (it was around 7th grade), and I was scared as hell to make this one my first. Well, I can honestly say it was scary – but it was never as bad as I made it out to be. From then on out, I had no problem watching even the most foul things ever put on cinema – it’s never really bothered me, because I’ve always been able to remind myself “it’s just a movie”. But I’ll be damned, if the scariest one I have still seen, and probably will ever see, was that first one right out of the gate. The tone is just amazing. No movie has ever been able to capture a feeling of dread better – before or since. And when Leatherface brings down the hammer – horror movies don’t get any better. 

5.    I finally caught the White Stripes movie “Under Great White Northern Lights”. For fans – it’s a must. For simple film fans, I think it’s an enjoyable concert documentary. The film follows Jack and Meg through a rather arduous Canadian concert leg, and gives rare insight to how the duo works. There is amazing concert footage and cool behind-the-scenes tidbits. But the thing that I found most interesting was the mini shows that the Stripes made during the day before the bigger concerts at night. It was a way for the band to connect with the community and find out about the actual cities they were touring. Honestly, these guys set up shop and rocked the house at a bowling alley, a day care center, a retirement facility for Native Indians, etc. It’s a cool watch and toe-tapping fun. 

6.    In last week’s blog, I posited if Weezer (one of my favorite bands) could keep up the rigorous schedule of releasing an album a year. The latest issue of “Rolling Stone” gave me the answer. Not only is the one a year the plan, Rivers Cuomo (the frontman of Weezer) said the band is already working two albums ahead, so for at least the near future, the band is sticking to that aspiration. God bless ‘em. Also of note in that issue of  “Rolling Stone”, there are great articles on “Saturday Night Live” (all fans of the blog know what a huge fan I am) and of Chelsea Handler, the new queen of late-night talk. This is the TV issue of the magazine, and this blogger’s fav show is featured on the cover – if you have to ask which one, just jump to #10. 

7.    I have no idea if this movie will be any good. Not good in a creative, artistic endeavor kinda way – but good in a this movie is so completely over-the-top-terrible-it’s-good-again-kinda way. The title alone is a masterpiece, and it stars Rutger Hauer, so really how bad can it be? Brace yourself – ready? It’s called “Hobo with a Shotgun”. Yeah, I thought you would be intrigued. Check out the trailer HERE 

8.    Note to Paris Hilton, everyone knows the coke the cops caught you with in Las Vegas is yours, even if you want to claim the purse they found it in wasn’t yours. This of course was her excuse after telling the officers you thought it was gum didn’t work. I can understand you wanting to get out of the charge, but then it probably wasn’t a bright idea of you to tweet a photo of you holding the cocaine purse two months earlier. Yes, sadly all of this happened. And sadly, I have paid attention to it. But what scares me more – I didn’t seek any of this information out, it was more or less absorbed by me simply by living my everyday life connected to technology. 

9.    Read the intro. for #7 again, and then apply it to this entry. The film is called “Battleship” – yes, it’s loosely based on the board game. But only so far as to attract a built-in audience to offset the budget. It’s directed by Peter Berg who excelled with “Friday Night Lights” and “The Kingdom”, but screwed the pooch with “Hancock”, so I don’t know where this will land. It was recently announced that it will star my favorite actor working today, Liam Neeson as the admiral of the ship. It will also star Mrs. Andy Roddick and Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker and hip hop artist Rhianna, so again, this could sink (pun intended!) or swim.  

10.  Mad Men Update: What do you really want to know about this show that you haven’t heard already? It wins awards, but nobody watches it. I mean nobody. At least anyone with a Nielsen box doesn’t. It’s bizarre to me that so many people gripe about not enough original, well-made entertainment coming out of Hollywood anymore, and then when it’s here – nobody bothers to tune in. Anyway, here’s the genius of this show from last week, it focuses on the heart and soul of the hour-long (Peggy Olson and Don Draper) struggling to come up with a campaign for Samsonite luggage against the backdrop of the Muhammad Ali and Sonny Liston fight. The pair squabble, fight, create, get drunk, reminiscence, and completely reach out to each other. For the first time in the show’s history, Don is truly devastated by the news of a friend dying, and the careful and intricate ruse he’s created comes crumbling down. I really think double D is headed for a profound, world-changing experience – but in my personal opinion, he hasn’t hit rock bottom quite yet. He’s well on his way, but there will be something worse around the corner. If I had to bet, it will involve his guilt over something he does to his young daughter Sally. Only time will tell though. Until next week…

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