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Coolhand Jones

Coolhand Jones
Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA
January 26
Loyal Order of Water Buffaloes Lodge No. 26
LDR Entertainment
I was born in a log cabin in Walla Walla, Wash. I won the Scripps-Howard National Spelling Bee at age 10, and the World Series of Poker at 15. After inventing Pizza Rolls, I tried my luck in the Internet boom of the '90s. Sadly, there was no real need for on-demand futon upholstery. After going bankrupt, I successfully graduated from Marquette University with a degree in journalism. I have held positions as a chimney sweep, international man of mystery, Elvis impersonator, and original gangsta. In my spare time, I enjoy full-scale re-enactments of the War of 1812; collecting potato chips that resemble 20th century magicians; distilling vinegar; interstate racing - Cannonball Run style; spelunking in the caves of Borneo, and taunting the Swiss. I also believe it's entirely possible that I’m the sole heir to the Jim Morrison estate. I vehemently deny rumors linking him to It-Girl Pia Zadora and I am looking forward to my impending eating disorder that will couple my obnoxiously, overbearing fame - which will be immediately followed by my “E! True Hollywood Story.” I also like bunny rabbits.


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AUGUST 27, 2010 10:23AM

10 Things I “Know” I Think

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Editor’s Note: We here at Pop Kult Boom are all for giving fair credit where credit is due. Peter King (one of our favs) writes a weekly NFL column for Sports Illustrated. He concludes each column with “10 Things I Think I Think”. We here at PKB are just a little bit more sure of ourselves. 

I was buried under a mountain of freelance work this week, and I’m nowhere close to where I should be on my pop culture antics for this weekly column. So, I’m gonna try something new and throw out 10 completely useless facts your way. Sad to say that my brain is full of them and I hope that you can get more use out of them than I have. After all, they’re still 10 things I know.  

1) Cap’n Crunch’s full name is Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch 

2) Never use pineapple in your Jell-O mold, the acid in that particular fruit won’t allow the mold to set right. 

3) If you ever find yourself being chased by an alligator, run away from it in a serpentine fashion. Alligators are so quick that they will chase you down in a straight line. 

4) “Sesame Street”’s resident game show host Guy Smiley is really just a stage name. His official name before the switch was Bernie Liederkrantz. 

5) Wesley Snipes auditioned for the role of Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge on “Star Trek: The Next Generation” but lost out to LeVar Burton. 

6) The funniest thing you can say to a guy in the urinal stall next to you is – “Nice watch.” Just think about it J 

7) On “Gilligan’s Island”, Jonas Grumby was better known as The Skipper. 

8) The Capitol Records Tower in Los Angeles perpetually taps out HOLLYWOOD in Morse Code. 

9) “Annie Hall” originally included a murder subplot that was edited out of the final cut. Rumors persist to this day that director Woody Allen still has the unseen footage, but no one else has ever seen it. The original running time of that film was nearly three hours. 

10) If “Mad Men” and “Modern Family” don’t win for Best Drama and Best Comedy (respectively) at this weekend’s Emmys – you will have one upset blogger on your hands. 

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3) Mythbuster attempted to test this out and made a major discovery, alligators don't chase people on dry land. They prefer to snag their dinner at the water and drag them under.

7) The Professors name was Roy Hinkley, The Greatest American Hero's name was Ralph Hinkley and Reagan's real life assassin was John Hinkley.