Over the years, Tinsel Town has seen its share of crazy screen sirens. Francis Farmer, Joan Crawford, and Sean Young all were in real life, but plenty more merely acted it out for our viewing pleasure. While some of them were nuttier than a shithouse rat like Kathy Bates in Misery, we just couldn’t see ourselves hopping into bed with someone who might break off our ankle with a sledgehammer.
No, this list is devoted to that rare breed of woman – the ones that even though they had a screw loose, you would still take a turn. And we’re not talking the gorgeous beauties that went too far like Charlize Theron in Monster, even at my drunkest I would take a pass. This list is for the bunny boilers that made our hearts pound even though we knew it was one helluva risk.
10. Jodie Foster, Nell – Typically, backwater crazy isn’t exactly my cup of tea. I’ve seen enough horror movies set in the swamps to know what can happen to a man in parts unknown. But you throw Jodie Foster into that recipe and the idea becomes a little bit more intriguing. Sprinkle in her complete lack of inhibition. Flavor to taste with the wild grunts and screams Nell was accustomed to. And I do believe that I’ll try me some of that weird gumbo.
9. Melanie Griffith, Something Wild – The downside, scary ex-boyfriend Ray Liotta is part of the equation. The upside, Melanie’s lovely rack and a tart with a predilection for handcuffs. Really, it’s too close to call. Every man has to decide for himself their own comfort level. Just be sure to clarify your safety word before you leap into such endeavors. Mine has always been “waffles.”
8. Kirsten Dunst, crazy/beautiful – For those of you hunting for Drew Barrymore in Mad Love on this list, we’ll fill you in – they’re the same movie. Take one hot chick with daddy issues, too much money, not enough attention, and low-grade meds – add in a milquetoast love interest and you have either one of these films. Their differences are as subtle as the Hilton sisters, either would suffice after a night of too much X while raving to the wee hours of the morning and gorging on Taco Bell. We give the edge to Kirstin though, based solely on MJ’s fabulous tits.
7. Cameron Diaz, Vanilla Sky – The saddest girl to ever hold a Martini has to make the list for a few reasons. Mental instability – check. Wrecking a vintage muscle car to prove your point – double check. She could be every man’s worst dream, unbelievably hot and even more deadly. How could a simple ride in a car go so horribly wrong? What did we learn from this movie? Actually, absolutely nothing. Pinning Cam upside down is probably worth 150 years of quasi-nightmare hell.
6. Charlize Theron, The Devil’s Advocate – Ahh, here she is. Looking better than ever before. Now one might argue that poor Charlize was possessed by the devil and not really koo-koo for Cocoa Puffs in this film. I say – six of one, a half dozen of another. Really a fine line, but anyone who is nutty enough to scratch themselves enough to look like a tiger then completely disrobe in a church, you probably need to see a shrink either way. Kudos to Taylor Hackford for convincing Char that a full frontal shot was needed for the integrity of the script. We love you for it!
5. Helena Bonham Carter, Fight Club – Well, well look at what we have here. Somebody starts out the movie trying to out crazy the crazy man in her life. Helena begins by stealing Edward Norton’s support groups away from him, purely because she thinks she has the upper hand. By the time Tyler Durden splits into two, poor Helena is so messed up all she can do is hang on for dear life. Whether she actually enables our wingnut of a hero, or merely continues to participate because the sex is too good, it doesn’t matter. You’re loco for sticking around.
4. Ashley Judd, Twisted – After creating her own niche of serial-killer-damsel-in-distress roles, Judd upped the ante a little in this one when she portrayed a nymphomaniac damsel. I don’t have this on any scientific authority, but as far as I’m concerned, nymphomania is the best kind of crazy. Given the fact that most of Judd’s conquests end up quite dead, timing will play a key role in when you should get involved with her. My advice would be sometime after the end credits roll.
3. Kate Winslet, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind – The title alone should give you an indication of the film’s original nuttiness. Kate plays Clementine, yes Clementine. Some gloriously wacky loon with hair that looks like a bowl of Froot Loops. Not only is she a flake of the highest order, she also enlists herself to take part of an experiment where a “company” removes bits of your memory so you don’t have to live with the pain. If loving this kind of fruitbat is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.
2. Winona Ryder and Angelina Jolie, Girl Interrupted – Two for the price of one. Here’s how I imagine this going down. I sneak in right after Whoopi Goldberg throws ‘Nona into the tub, so she’s all wet and see-thru. Whoopi of course leaves, we don’t need it getting too weird. But then Ang enters, the two girls get into some tribal-pillow-fight-type thing where hair is pulled and clothes are ripped. All with the benefit of a locked door. It’s really hard to type this with one hand.
1. Sharon Stone, Basic Instinct – Back in revolutionary times, they had something called “the shot heard ‘round the world.” For Ms. Stone I think the phrase is best described as “the twat seen ‘round the world.” Never before had Middle American felt so dirty during what they thought to be a mainstream movie. Sinful and decadent, Stone carves through the screen leaving men (and some women) desperate to touch a bit of the bad life. An ice pick to the skull vs. one night in Bangkok with her – check please!
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