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Coolhand Jones

Coolhand Jones
Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA
January 26
Loyal Order of Water Buffaloes Lodge No. 26
LDR Entertainment
I was born in a log cabin in Walla Walla, Wash. I won the Scripps-Howard National Spelling Bee at age 10, and the World Series of Poker at 15. After inventing Pizza Rolls, I tried my luck in the Internet boom of the '90s. Sadly, there was no real need for on-demand futon upholstery. After going bankrupt, I successfully graduated from Marquette University with a degree in journalism. I have held positions as a chimney sweep, international man of mystery, Elvis impersonator, and original gangsta. In my spare time, I enjoy full-scale re-enactments of the War of 1812; collecting potato chips that resemble 20th century magicians; distilling vinegar; interstate racing - Cannonball Run style; spelunking in the caves of Borneo, and taunting the Swiss. I also believe it's entirely possible that I’m the sole heir to the Jim Morrison estate. I vehemently deny rumors linking him to It-Girl Pia Zadora and I am looking forward to my impending eating disorder that will couple my obnoxiously, overbearing fame - which will be immediately followed by my “E! True Hollywood Story.” I also like bunny rabbits.


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AUGUST 13, 2010 11:05AM

10 Things I “Know” I Think

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1. Trailer Watch: Nothing ticks me off more in movie marketing than an independent marketing firm giving away all of the action/secrets/endings in a trailer. Like all other bad advertising, it’s just plain lazy. That’s why I am so intrigued by two previews I saw lately for a film called “Catfish” and another called “Enter the Void”. Check them out where you view trailers (yahoo and iTunes are good bets). “Catfish” hooked me simply because I must now know what happens next in the film. “Enter the Void” got me because it looks so visually stunning, it’s like feeding my brain a bowl of Fruity Pebbles.

2. The Kids are back! Fans (like me) of the seminal Canadian program “Kids in the Hall” can rejoice. The band is getting back together. The original show was one of Loren Michaels (from SNL fame) pet projects in Canada, and it was a thought provoking and oftentimes silly sketch show, which got copious amounts of reruns on Comedy Central back in the day. The new show debuts in September on IFC. For fans, you’re already there – I know. For newbies, check out their DVDs from the original show. It’s well worth your time. 

3. Elvis’ granddaughter (yes, you read that right the first time) Riley Keough just got cast in her first movie. It’s the latest entry into the Mad Max franchise, no word yet on if they trust box office receipts enough to have Mad Mel Gibson be a part of the party. But on to happier news. For all you fanboys searching for new stalker material, consider Riley. Check out a google image search and you’re guaranteed to be sold on the notion. Two words – hubba & hubba. 

4. Now that the news has broken that Michael Scott will be exiting Dunder-Miflin (translated for the catch-ups, Steve Carrell is quitting “The Office”) a call has gone out to Hollywood for a possible replacement. The first leaked fill-in has me so content that I’ve been smiling from ear to ear since I heard it. Rhys Darby, who played the incompetent manager on “Flight of the Conchords” is currently being recruited. Only time will tell if this dream pairing actually comes to fruition.

5.    Did you guys know that Teenage Fan Club is still together? Yeah, me neither. An O.K. indie band from the ‘90s never seemingly went away. They just released another album. That’s one thing that will never make any sense to me. How average, decent bands can stand the test of time, while intriguing multi-talented bands burn out so quickly. I guess genius is its own blessing and curse. More power to these guys (TFC), I never had anything against them. It just illustrates my point, I guess that’s why shows like “According to Jim” can run for eight seasons and no one really notices. 

6. Why don’t they do world’s fairs anymore? That’s all I got for this one. Seriously though, if anyone can answer that question, I’d be happy to hear it. 

7. Ben & Jerry’s has two new flavors! I bought them both recently, but there’s a bit of a catch. Both new flavors are exclusive to Target, and in typical B&J fashion, they’re doing their best to raise some kind of awareness as well as America’s average obesity rate. The one I’ve yet to try is cleverly called, “Brownie Chew Gooder”. The one that I experimented with might be the closest thing to sex in a can I’ve ever tried, it’s called “Berry Voluntary”. Made up of raspberry cheesecake ice-cream, white chocolate (which isn’t chocolate at all) chunks, and raspberry swirls – my tongue has been thanking me for days now.  

8. I saw the bootleg version of the last 12 minutes of “Lost” online this week. I know that the finale polarized fans from coast to coast. I happened to fall into the camp that loved the finale, but much like everyone else I did have some lingering questions. For any true fan of “Lost” we all had our own gripe, some plot point, or secret never revealed that should have been explained – if you think hard enough, I’m sure that you will think of your own. I’m glad I saw the last 12 minutes, it was a nice prologue. I won’t go so far as to say it wrapped up the entire series with a pretty bow, that’s an awful lot to say in 12 minutes after all. But I will say my own personal gripe was answered. And it was answered in a big way! I won’t spoil the fun for you (if anyone does want to know what happens, shoot me an e-mail and I’ll get back to you), however I will say that Walt returns, and he gets some closure of his own.  

9. “The Other Guys” – I think I must have liked this more than most. I’m a huge Will Ferrell fan, and even when he fails, he does so magnificently that you have to respect his earnest try. In other words, the guy is willing to risk anything for a joke – you gotta respect that. I love that this movie does something so ballsy with the hero cops (Samuel L. Jackson and The Rock) in the first act that you can’t really escape the genius of it. Ferrell steps up nicely for the rest of the film, as if there is any doubt he would, he has nearly trademarked the buried rage of an emasculated man by now. Michael Keaton (welcome back old friend) and Eva Mendes complement the craziness nicely – and both performances garnered more than a few laughs from me. But I just don’t know if I’m sold on Mark Wahlberg. He is so hit-or-miss now that even his performance within a singular movie can be polarizing. He is funny in parts, he is dreadful in others. I really hope that he goes to a speech coach to get rid of his lofty speech patterns (I can’t define it, but you’ll know when you hear it). Marky Mark was extremely funny in “Date Night”, brilliant in “The Departed” (mostly because he spoke in his native Boston accent), and wonderful in “Boogie Nights”, for me you’ll never know what you’ll get from him. That’s too much of a risk when I’m laying down $15 a pop to see his movies. 

10.  Mad Men Update: Don Draper in L.A. is there anything better? With a few notable exceptions, my favorite episodes of this series have all taken place in this sunny clime. It seems that New York feeds off the very notion of Madison Avenue and the harried lifestyle it produces. When Don leaves and decompresses, the show more or less happens instead of evolving. Once again, he meets up with his “ex-wife” – who for all practical matters is his best friend and the person in the world that knows him the best. I love his time here and with her. When he’s presented with her illness, it’s like that final part of Dick (Don’s alter ego) is dying too. There’s no more confusing the issue, he is indeed a lost soul, which only begs the question without his last life-vest – what will happen to Don this season? We also got heavy doses of Joan and Lane. Two under-appreciated cast members who frankly deserve more screen time. Lane’s tragic loss of love was particularly endearing this week, and I don’t think I’ll ever forget his “Monster!” impression in the movie theater. Roger was all but excluded to the sidelines – boo! But so was Betty, and I have to admit – I didn’t miss her at all. Let’s hope this is the direction of the show, concentrate on the office co-workers, less time with the ex. Don seems to have forgotten her, I think it’s about time we did too.  

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"Why don’t they do world’s fairs anymore?"

Too expensive and no real return. The idea of the worlds fair was to highlight new and innovative products plus to display the talents and culture of various nations. They were a nightmare to put together. They always disapponted due to the clutter and chaos of the competition among displays and they never made a financial return to the communties that put them on. In the end the Disney corporation created Epcot and there wasn't a need for a worlds fair anymore.
Ocularnervosa - Thanks for the information. That was helpful. I hope we all learned something here today.

It's a shame that they still don't do them, such unique architecture and needed infrastructure benefitted almost all of the cities that held them.