CHICAGO.  Speaking to the National Chip and Snack Food Association, President Barack Obama today warned that the nation faces a simultaneous shortage and glut of twist-ties, and promised to appoint a czar to address the problems faced by this previously-unregulated industry.

"I could re

FARMINGDALE, N.Y.  The Black Course at Bethpage State Park here is a flurry of activity as groundskeepers prepare for the 110th U.S. Open, which begins tomorrow.  "I got a good lie on the 18th," says Phil Mickelson of his last practice round.  "Then I went in the clubhouse and he

GREEN BAY, Wis.  Secret Service agents descended on a fifth-grade classroom here today to break up what they called a nationwide counterfeiting operation that mass-produced notes of excuse from President Barack Obama.

Sullivan:  "These notes were very professional looking

NEW YORK.  After failing to be accepted by the United Nations for the seventeenth consecutive year, Taiwanese President Ma Ying-jeou today announced that his island nation would join the rival World Wrestling Federation, the leading coalition of non-aligned steroid users in the free w

Despite the advances that the self-esteem movement has made, most people know in their hearts that what counts is not how they feel about themselves, but what they actually accomplish in the real world.  Or as two-time Super Bowl-winning coach Bill Parcells succinctly put it, "You are what

WASHINGTON.  Hoping to avoid a nasty confirmation fight in which a victory could cost them crucial Hispanic votes, Congressional Republicans today urged their Democratic colleagues across the aisle to euthanize Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor, who broke her ankle this morning.

"Ch

In sixth grade, at the tender age of twelve, I had a gigantic nun-crush on my teacher, Sister Gabriella Marie.  A member of the Sisters of the Most Precious Blood, "Gabby", as we affectionately called her behind her back, coached me through spelling bees and oratorical contests, and grease

BARROW, Alaska.  Frustrated by their failure to discourage Eskimos from whaling, Greenpeace and other leading environmental groups say they will shift their focus to fashion incentives, offering the indigenous people preppy whale-pattern clothing if they will give up their traditional form

Fenway Park--home of the Boston Red Sox--is a national treasure.  How do I know?  Because no other major league stadium has been immortalized in a snappy three-word catchphrase by a major American novelist, as John Updike did when he hung the tag "lyric little bandbox" on the place.&n

It is hard to believe now, but seventy years ago the functional equivalent of the superstars of rock guitar were--clarinet players.  Benny Goodman, Artie Shaw and Woody Herman were the Hendrix, Clapton and Allman of their day, and young boys eagerly subjected themselves to clarinet lessons in t

Today is the 71st anniversary of Raymond Carver's birth.  Carver, who died at the age of 50 in 1988, was a writer who produced poems that were like short stories, and short stories that were like poems.  He probably didn't lengthen his time by the heavy drinking that he

CRAWFORD, Texas.  After declaring himself "liberated" from the burdens of his two-term presidency last week at a high school graduation ceremony in New Mexico, former President George W. Bush today mapped out a plan for personal growth that includes an appearance on "Ellen", the talk show

WASHINGTON, D.C.   An upsurge in white supremacist activity following the inauguration of Barack Obama as America's first president of African descent appears to have abated as leaders of racist groups take a closer look at the intelligence and public statements of Vice President Joseph Bi

WASHINGTON, D.C.  The National Academy of Science today released a poll indicating that a majority of its members consider the Chip Clip, a device for keeping chips and snack foods fresh, to be the most significant technological development of the 20th century.

Chip Clips

"The twe

CHEATHAM, Mass.  "This town," says Charlie "Paz" diPasquale as he surveys boats at anchor in the harbor here, "is a quaint little drinking village with a fishing problem."  His companions, commercial fishermen all, laugh and sip at their beers, having knocked off for the day at noon becaus

WASHINGTON.  As he has made the transition from private citizen to the White House, President-elect Barack Obama has found that his life has changed dramatically, mostly for the better.

"Take this sucker out!"

"I'm getting a lot more open shots, and I'm hitting them," Oba

Jazz piano has had, over the course of its history, enough royalty to stock a coronation:  Edward Kennedy "Duke" Ellington; William "Count" Basie; and Nathaniel Adams "King" Cole.  But even these three would concur in the judgment of Fats Waller, a commoner but no slouch himself, that abov

CHICAGO.  Facing growing resistance from members of his own party, President Barack Obama's promise to shut down the controversial Guantanamo Bay detention center appeared to be foundering.  Until Max Verdedian, a dog racing track owner from Chicago, got through the White House s

JERUSALEM.  In an attempt to strengthen ties between Jews and Catholics, Pope Benedict XVI today declared Yousef Islam, the musician formerly known as Cat Stevens, the "Ayatollah of Wimp Rock".

"You ever try to make out to 'Moonshadow'?  The girl just falls asleep on