The Thing From Bloggy Swamp

"Music is real--the rest is scenery." Fats Waller

Con Chapman

Con Chapman
Boston, Massachusetts, US of A
September 28
. . . is the author of over fifty books--some with paper!--available on and elsewhere.

FEBRUARY 21, 2014 9:18AM

God I Was in Love With That Girl

I'd been dating Dianne for about a year, but we both knew it wasn’t going anywhere, it wasn’t going to last. She had a history of attracting men like me, she said; WASPy-looking even if, like me, they were only reasonable facsimiles. Hard drinking goys who didn’t show it… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 21, 2014 9:10AM

They Call the Dermatologist--Mariah

There’s eczema upon my hands–
My skin is kinda dry-a.
She writes a scrip for goopy cream,
That I pick up and buy-a.

They call the dermatologist–Mariah.

She clips skin tags from off my bod–
Both middle, low and high-a.
I can’t think w… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 20, 2014 9:34PM

The Porn Star's Lament

It turns to work, the thing you love,
The humping, bumping all day long.
At minimum wage, or slightly above,
That’s very . . . um . . . hard with just one schlong.

It rubs him raw, your poor old cock,
the ceaseless, boring, in and outing.
You stand in line at the time… Read full post »

The Army Corps of Engineers spent $92,000 in federal stimulus money on costumes for mascots such as Bobber the Water Safety Dog.… Read full post »
FEBRUARY 19, 2014 5:36PM

To Hell With National Good Posture Month

March, goes the old saying, comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. But that’s not how I remember it.

The monthly grade school assembly for February when I was growing up was customarily closed with the announcement that March was National Good Posture Month, and… Read full post »

WASHINGTON, D.C. A bi-partisan, blue-ribbon panel of educators and politicians said a new study showing half of U.S. students to be below average was a “wake-up call” for the nation, and pledged to do everything possible that did not involve time, money or effort to correct the situation… Read full post »

WAYLAND, Mass. In this bucolic town west of Boston, the head of the Department of Public Works is the most important public official from December through February. “People like to drive on pavement, not snow or ice,” says Ed Schlepper, a DPW employee with 22 years behind the wheel… Read full post »

Procter & Gamble has mobilized a team of researchers to determine by scientific methods when a woman will have a bad hair day.… Read full post »

If the past is any kind of prologue, America’s white-collar work force will return to their jobs tomorrow through a kind of human resources mine field. Valentine’s Day was Friday, meaning the next work day will be the launching pad for more violations of corporate Dignity in the Workplac… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 17, 2014 8:53AM

Yes You Can--Buy My 52nd Book

Yes you can--buy my 52nd book, now available on, "Oh . . . My . . . God: Impious Thoughts on Things Divine." 

Don't worry, you won't burn in hell forever for reading it.  I'll tell the Big Guy upstairs I made you do it, so you'll have… Read full post »

When I was a boy my mother instilled in me a love of American history. George Washington was the Father of Our Country, she told me. Abraham Lincoln was the Great Emancipator. Ulysses S. Grant could Drink his Entire Cabinet Under the Table, she said, not stinting on… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 16, 2014 11:16AM

Nothin' But Neat at the NBA All-Star Game

NEW ORLEANS. It’s been eight years since the National Basketball Association adopted its “business casual” dress code in an effort to combat the league’s “gangsta” image, personified by a 2004 brawl between the Detroit Pistons and the Indiana Pacers that started on… Read full post »

MEDFORD, Mass. Theresa “Tee-tee” Santosuosso usually spends Saturday mornings working the concession stand at the Anthony P. Loconte Hockey Rink in this blue-collar suburb of Boston, but today she’s missing in action. “I told ‘em I needed the day off for a delicate fem… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 14, 2014 10:40PM

Homage to Elizabeth Jennings

I'm sure had we met I would have overlooked you as plain,
ordinary; yet reading you now, twelve years after you died,
is a bit like the light you wrote about in Delay, which left
the star years ago, and glowed on a face below after it was spent.

You wrote of the… Read full post »

It’s a snowy day in Boston, a good chance to catch up on the paperwork that piles up on the desk of your average entertainment lawyer, and sometimes on the desk of below-average members of the guild like myself.

I attach binder clips to several mega-contracts, scan Variety for box… Read full post »

CONCORD, Mass. Ethel Farley has been a teacher in the schools here for over two decades, long enough to be able to spot a young girl with a broken heart halfway across a crowded lunch room. “They get a valentine from a boy and they read too much into… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 13, 2014 5:17PM

Several Ways of Choosing a Wife

Here’s a helpful suggestion for choosing a wife:
Don’t pick from the bin that says “Tragic view of life.”
Sure, she’ll share your love of Friedrich Nietzsche,
But I find that kind to be overly prietzsche.

While you wile away hours talking Schopenhauer
You could be ou… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 13, 2014 7:54AM

Valentine for a Homely Couple

Carl’s wife sits shotgun in his truck
Her doughy face baked whitish red.
He gets out and climbs the semi–
Smiling, he asks “How’s it going?”
We just grunt and nod our heads
at the auger hole, and how it’s stuck.

“Better you than me, boys,” he says.
&l… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 12, 2014 10:03PM

Who Set Off the Liberal Detectors?

Wednesday night, girls night in, as my wife’s uber-hip dance crowd has assembled at our place to watch VHS tapes of the Boston Ballet from the 80′s. I seem to recall that I could dance in the 80′s, too–to something that sounded like “I, Sharona,” with a… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 12, 2014 7:49AM

The Principal Who Promoted a Fight

FEBRUARY 11, 2014 8:01PM

How to Handle Tough Interview Questions

In a tight job market, doing well in a job interview can mean the difference between driving a Bentley and sleeping on a heating grate outside a public library.

Sleeping on heating grate, driving a Bentley: There’s a big difference.

Surprisingly, however, interviewing skills aren&… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 11, 2014 9:20AM

How to Snore in French

I'll admit it–I snore. How do I know, you ask, you epistemologist you?

When I take a nap on weekends and don’t wear the irritating anti-snoring mouthguard that my wife insists I wear, I snore loudly enough to wake myself up. That loud. So I’m not just… Read full post »

BOSTON. Salvatore “Scuzzi” Saltimbocca is 70 years old, but the tears are rolling down his cheeks like a toddler seeing “Old Yeller” for the first time. “Those s.o.b.’s,” he says as he watches grainy black-and-white footage from his youth on the television… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 10, 2014 9:12PM


He wanted to go for a swim but Marci didn't. The dressing rooms at the public pool were gross, she said. You can come and just sunbathe, he said. He didn't want to be accused of abandoning her on a Sunday, a time when they should have been… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 9, 2014 9:03PM

I Love it When a Woman Snores

I love it when a woman snores,
I rate it higher than s’mores,
or Hydrox cookies, chicken (fried);
It means, I think, she’s satisfied.

That gentle sound recalls to mind
A buzzsaw whizzing through plank pine.
A lower pitch, the basso sort,
Sounds like a shrimp boat leaving port.

Read full post »