PHOENIX, Arizona. Maricopa County Sheriff Joseph “Joe” Arpaio today challenged President Obama’s claims to basketball prowess, saying he had evidence that stat sheets from Punahou School’s 1978-79 season had been altered.
“Keeping America safe from, uh, something since 1993.”
“Obama was a bench-warmer his senior year,” said Arpaio (pronounced “Smith”). “He’s been dining out on that state championship story for years, yet we don’t know his turnover-to-assist ratio.”
1776-1777 Philadelphia Warriors
The challenge comes at a delicate time for the President, who will be expected to invite the winner of this year’s NBA Finals between the Miami Heat and the Oklahoma City Thunder to the White House. “Presidents like to bask in the reflected glory of sports heroes,” noted historian Ava C. Benbow. “In 1947 George Washington joked that Angelo Musi of the Philadelphia Warriors couldn’t throw a ball across the Potomac River like he could, and Musi took it personally and lost his shooting eye.”
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Arpaio has called into question a number of records relating to the President’s life and career, including his birth certificate, his social security number and his fifth grade perfect attendance record. “If you look close a 3 has been erased next to the 0 in the ‘absent’ column,” Arpaio said. “I tremble to think that this nation is in the hands of Muslim who took off the whole month of Ramadan, whenever that is.”
“That’s him! Behind the grassy knoll of the kid’s hair to the left!”
When asked by a reporter on what basis the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office could claim jurisdiction over a Hawaiian high school basketball team that played its last game 14 years before he was elected, Arpaio snapped “Jurisdiction? I don’t need no stinking jurisdiction.”