The Thing From Bloggy Swamp

"Music is real--the rest is scenery." Fats Waller
MAY 7, 2012 8:43AM

Lint-Roller Regs Tighten as Illicit Use Spreads

Rate: 7 Flag

WAUMSFORD, Ill.  First it was airplane glue, says Duane Lee Hoskins, manager of the Wal-Mart store here.  "Kids would buy that stuff then show up to Friday night football games all demented," he recalls grimly.  "It made for some pretty weak cheering by the pep club."


2011 Teen Choice Award Winner, Erotic Implement category

Next came aerosol cans of paint, which kids would use to spray lovesick or obscene messages on the town's water tower.  "I made the kids sign a 'no graffiti' pledge at the check-out counter," he says.  "But then some snot-nosed lawyer for the ACLU sent me a letter sayin' I was infringin' free speech."


"Veneta Sue Elkins eats like a horse!"

But neither of those two passing crazes prepared Hoskins for the latest teen abuse of an ordinary household item; late-night unsupervised "lint roller" parties at which boys and girls engage in heavy "feel-up" sessions that can lead to unwanted pregnancies, white slavery and in extreme cases, marriage.


"Has Joe Don been lint-rollin' your alpaca sweater agin?"

"A lint-roller party generally breaks out when kids are bored or have run out of Cheetohs," notes Norbert Hanscomb, guidance counselor at Grain Valley Voke-Tech High School here.  "We try to teach them safe lint-rolling, but they're young and foolish and can go weeks without changing the adhesive paper."

A lint-roller consists of a tube of one-sided adhesive paper mounted on a spindle, and is used to remove lint and pet hair from clothing.  The effectiveness of the device can be recharged with a replacement adhesive roll, but drug stores are permitted by law to refuse sales of refills to minors except for the prevention of disease.

 
Lonely guy, self-rolling

The spread of lint-roller parties has parents here and elsewhere concerned, with reactions ranging from alarm to disgust.  "We didn't need adhesives to have fun when I was growing up," notes Hoskins as he eyes a young man carrying a two-pack to the express check-out lane in the hope of completing a transaction.  "You stuck your hand under a girl's sweater, and if she liked you she'd let it stick."


Hollywood stars setting bad lint-rolling example.

Authorities blame the example set by lint-rolling Hollywood stars, rappers and rock musicians for the recent surge in illicit grooming activity, and note that the wealthy can afford the consequences of high-risk "petting" sessions that force many high school students to drop out in order to support a two-refill a day habit.  "I'll visit some of these kids a couple years after they've experimented with lint rolling and it just breaks your heart," says guidance counselor Hanscomb.  "Instead of having a double-wide trailer, they're still living in a single-wide."

Author tags:

satire, comedy, spoof, humor

Your tags:

TIP:

Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Recipient's email address:
Personal message (optional):

Your email address:

Comments

Type your comment below:
I covered the trial of a guy who robbed a bank with a lint roller. He'd wrapped it in a nylon stocking and pretended it was a bomb. One teller testified she peed when he leaped over the counter and set it on the chair behind her. Got away with $40,000 but an FBI agent Columboed him and found the money in a vacant house across the street from the robber's, which was a couple of blocks from the bank.
When used with condoms, lint roller abuse reaches a whole new level of perversion... hair brushes as well... haarrruummmpphhh!
I actually bought one at the dollar store. Maybe I should have bought a better one and it might increase the mood. They always say you get what you pay for!!
HUGGGGGGG
I think brushes are more effective for fur and hair removal. Like your writing as always.
perhaps mother's cloth diaper adherence leads to lint-rollerismic behaviours in the adult child
The lint-roller as weapon--why'd you have to put that up on the internet where al Qaeda can see it?
Spression only leads to secret stashes of Scoth tape!
Did you lick the lint off your sweater, or are you channeling Elmer Fudd?
Back in my HS days, some cheap bastard young Lotharios decided to use Saran Wrap as a substitute for condoms. Don't know if it prevented any pregnancies, but it gave a lot of erstwhile virgins a bad rash.
I've heard the "It's like taking a shower with a raincoat on" line, but not like taking a shower with Saran-Wrap on before.