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Con Chapman

Con Chapman
Location
Boston, Massachusetts, US of A
Birthday
September 28
Bio
. . . is the author of over fifty books--some with paper!--available on amazon.com and elsewhere.

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MARCH 22, 2012 8:03AM

NASCAR Tells Vatican Popemobile Ineligible for Truck Series

Rate: 3 Flag

MARTINSVILLE, Virginia.  NASCAR officials have informed representatives of Pope Benedict XVI that he will not be allowed to compete in the Kroger 250 here next weekend because his vehicle, popularly known as “The Popemobile,” violates a number of mandatory specifications.


“Sorry–I was trying to find St. Columbkill’s.”

“NASCAR Camping World Trucks must have four-speed manual transmissions and minimum 650 horsepower engines,” said NASCAR Rules Chairman Wade Bennett.  “The Popemobile is a two-door Mercedes ML 430 with an automatic tranny, a 272 horsepower engine and an illegal air scoop–end of story.”

 
The Popemobile, fueled by divine power.

Pope Benedict expressed disappointment with the ruling, and indicated he would appeal.  “Eesa notta fair they no letta me ride witha 2007 Rookie of the Year Willie Allen and thee other bad-ass Camping World Truck Drivers,” the German pontiff said in the bad Italian accent that all popes are required to use under Roman Catholic canon law.  “Letta me tella you, I was ready to whup Ron Hornaday like an ugly stepchild.”


Hornaday:  “You just try it, Benny-boy.”

The NASCAR Camping World Truck Series is a season-long competition in which modified production pickup trucks race for points that may be credited against time in Purgatory, a place of temporary punishment where those who die with venial, but not mortal sins on their souls are made ready for heaven.  Craftsman Tools terminated its sponsorship of the race series after the 2008 season, fueling speculation that the Roman Catholic Church would step into the breach, but Camping World outbid the world’s largest religion.


St. Peter’s Drag-a-Way, Vatican City

“We view the Camping World Truck Series as a great tool to reach a demographic where we have trouble drawing parishioners,” said Vatican Director of Membership Services Antonio d’Allessandro.  “It is hard to recruit from socio-economic groups such as NASCAR fans who believe, wrongly I might add, that we are the Anti-Christ.”


“How come he don’t turn that goofy-looking rig around and git the hell out of here?”

The truck series is the only NASCAR division that does not permit “pit stops,” instead using a ten-minute “halftime” break during which teams can make any changes to their trucks they want.  “It eesa mucha better for an old man like me,” Benedict said.  “I like to take a giant grape Slurpee with me, and there’s no way I could make it through the Goody’s Cool Orange 500 without a bathroom break.”

Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection "Here's to His Holiness: Fake Stories About Real Popes."

Author tags:

pope, nascar, satire, comedy, spoof, humor

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Con C. I was debating with some billionaire about if we readers should buy you a NASCAR ad.
It could read:
Con Chapman - Kooky?
or
World's best spoof lawyer.
or
Proud lawyer Stink Blogs.
or
Spade deleters with 'Pledge'
or
Bankers are Worst Stink Thugs.
or
farmer need gorgeous weeders.
or
Pope sips 'Fanta' Orange Pop.
`
I was in DC when the Pope was.
I had a free lunch at the DCs Cato.
I really enjoyed their hospitality.
The Wash/Post wrote ref Pope.
Honest. They send a Pope Auto.
Inside is stash - 'Fanta Soda Pop.

They lunch-grub was delicious.
Guess who I met? Never mind.
He was signing a new law book.
I kinda like the M&M Car. You can imagine what the crew is yelling to the driver when he pulls into the pit: "Plain?" "No--peanut."
Some people want to go to heaven, I'd rather be with my friends.
Con C. I agree.
Why argue though?
M & M taste great.
Lawyer fight much.

They argue`Blue!
Blue M & Ms Best!
Some argue green!

I love arugula best!
I go on pit stop now!
Then I eat red beets!
Melts in your mouth, not in your hand.
a editor @ Salon or Open Salon . . .
They fill all pants pockets with M & Ms.
My tender feeling are bruised `gin. Why?
`
I commented on `farm promotional code.
gary pax
I just noticed:
He was deleted.
I never understand.
I hope your no deleted.
I'll send Kerry a bushel:
`
a bushel of rotten potato's,
dried muddy beets, arugula,
stinky garlic, a old fish head.
Con C. I cc. email Eric Holder?
`
in bedroom after crush
crash?
lovers apply acne cream
`
a Pope Mobole carries . . .
editor and 'hit's cop cruiser,
and kerry goes a coffin
`
The cabbie funeral driver
is a retires Amish farmer
and he dresses Yiddish

driver dangles a roach
from his red-lip-sticks,
and puffs illegal alien
`
or something . . .
Kerry loves NASCAR?
I call Pope, no
`
I have an idea how we can bring you and OS management together: Art James Cheese Points. 50 posts/100 comments gets you a wedge of the cheese of the day.
I say let the damned thing in, so long as the Joe Pesci lookalike drives. Let him win, and maybe the bimbo kiss on the winner's platform will loosen him up a tad. Goooooo, Popie!
Con C. You get paid per lousy comment.
okay. More comments? Serious? okay?
You never delete awful lame comment.
`
vegan editor
calling 9-11
ask for crab
`
It's people like you who are ruining the sport!
nasty editor . . .
three Swedish soccer stars
chase kerry into net goal
`
a editor is nabbed . . .
cops catch him shoplifting
a plastic jug of Orange Pop
`
a editor on 5th Avenue . . .
impressing black poodle
with his wiggle waddle
`
noting to his therapist . . .
editors dance at 7th
inning stretch with ump
`
a bipolar editor . . .
certain his 1,000th lover
will be his last eternal love
public urinal
a deranged editor
picking pubic hairs
weigh-obsessed editor . . .
chewing a 'Tootsie Roll
fifty times before spitting
a editor ask for. . .
courtesy because,
folks yell 'jerk' 100 X's
and that's redundant
a bronx bartender . . .
ask editor to depart,
after 13 - 'Fat Tire' beers
a editor repents . . .
on Passover he says ;
not 'sorry' but 'mea culpa'
a Asperger editor,
overwhelmed on 5th,
peeing in the streets
a editor at Core meet,
offering more burps
than civil discourse
a editor on a Easter egg hunt,
find a ostrich egg
and he sits on waiting to hatch
a editor on Yom Kipper
asserting he won't atone
for BLT with red ketchup
a editor visit a doctor office
and the pediatrician notices
weight scale has been stolen
Ugandan tour guide ...
is told by editor
he loves his tan
(I got pause to pee)
a editor call 9-11 . . .
asking if a pimple
is melanoma cancer
a editor at 'Palms' eatery
is served a frozen patty
from a heifer moo cow
Art, you're going to blow this through the roof of OS right up into Big Salon.
apology . . . I blame Peepers
I listened to Peeper Ponds
after this childish one, adios
`
a editor gets a Pope Mobile
choosing for VANITY TAGS
POPE I OWE YOU a`IOU
`
why?

when the collection coffer
is passed . . .
editor takes out his gin cash
I think Darryl Waltrip put his two cents for the Pope..Steve said Ron Hornaday cannot be beat- even those with an in with the higher up truck driver hahaha
HUGGGGGGGGGGGG
When I pull in for my final pit stop . . .