WASHINGTON. New rules designed to address a wave of entertainment industry deaths triggered by smoking crack in pajamas will be rushed through the normal comment period according to Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, over objections by sleepwear and drug industry lobbyists.

“How tacky . . . pajamas in public!”

“First Amy Winehouse, now Whitney Houston,” Sebelius told reporters assembled in the HHS press room. “How many more must die before people realize you shouldn’t smoke crack in your pajamas?”

Winehouse: “I just wanted to slip into something . . . a little bit more comfortable.”

The guidelines will be published as part of the Code of Federal Regulations, a sleep-inducing body of legal jargon that carries its own health risks. “Read the fine print on the inside cover,” says Assistant Librarian of Congress Matthew Kormer. “It’s right there in front of you: ‘Do NOT operate heavy machinery while reading this book.’”

Houston’s downward spiral was triggered by her marriage to Boston-area “bad boy” singer Bobby Brown, who persuaded her to spend seven months in her pajamas smoking crack in lieu of a honeymoon. “You have to carry heavy luggage around on your honeymoon, and it only lasts a week,” says staycation consultant Delores D’Etienne. “The stuff in your refrigerator is much cheaper than the overpriced snacks in hotel rooms.”

“Splllllllllbt!”

Sebelius has recently been under fire for her overly restrictive interpretation of what constitutes a religion for purposes of implementing the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, but said she was acting clearly within the bounds of delegated Congressional authority in ruling on the crack-in-pajamas question. “Whenever I smoke crack,” the former Kansas governor said, “I get out of bed and put on a tailored pantsuit from Talbots.”