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Con Chapman

Con Chapman
Boston, Massachusetts, US of A
September 28
. . . is the author of over fifty books--some with paper!--available on and elsewhere.

Editor’s Pick
FEBRUARY 3, 2011 2:18PM

Valentine Gift Ideas for the Totally Clueless

Rate: 13 Flag

Surveys show that men will give women more than 36 million boxes of chocolate and 189 million roses on Valentine's Day, making lemmings look like hip, Bohemian non-conformists. 

Remarkably similar-looking non-conformists.

How do you make your gift stand out over all the other presents Suzette Ypres, the hottest girl in your Introduction to Symbolist Poetry class, will receive this Valentine's Day? 

"Back off, losers--she likes my present best!"

Like Barney the Purple Dinosaur, you use your imagination!


Blue Angel Flyover:  Nothing says "I love you" like four screaming Navy F/A-18 Hornets flying overhead in tight formation, causing her Hummel collection to fall off the knick-knack shelf and crash to the floor.  Be sure and shout out your feelings at the top of your lungs or she won't hear you.


Elephant Parade:  Everybody loves a parade, especially one that features ponderous, pudgy pachyderms!  "I don't know what it is about women and elephants," says professional shopper Elaine Fricke.  "They're guaranteed to bring tears to their eyes.  Maybe it's the smell of the droppings," she speculates.


A Kitten!  Although many women are allergic to cats, you can show her your impetuous, romantic side by giving her a kitten without asking first!  Who'll do the house-training?  Who cares!  If she really loves you, she won't blame you for Kitzi's little "accidents."


Do-it-Yourself Jewelry!  Remember how much your mother loved those gimp bracelets you'd make for her at summer camp?  Surprise that "special someone" in your life with a pretty plastic accessory in pink and black--Elvis's favorite colors.  As you slip it on her wrist, say "I once did this *sniff* to my mother."  She'll find the comparison oh-so-romantic, you devil you!


Kitchen Utensils:  You'd be surprised how many women are offended by gifts that "come on too strong," suggesting you're more interested in a night of wild passion than a boring long-term relationship.  Show her your "practical" side by giving her something useful, like a butcher knife or a rolling pin.  Some women are so impressed with these creative presents they put them to good use right away!

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Why didn't your title say for Men instead of "totally clueless."? You could have saved twelve keystrokes.
This Valentine's Day, I'm kind of hoping for a Romba, myself...
Yes, but those twelve keystrokes burned off .0000013 calories.
Valentine's Day? Already???
Matt--as a Packers fan I think you get an extension, the way people in Massachusetts get an extra day to file their taxes because of the Battles of Concord and Lexington.
Fortunately, my wife's birthday is the same week as Valentine's Day, so I just combine the two. At least that's what I tell her.
Do you hide her birth certificate from her too?
i got a basketball for my anniversary once. if you know me, you know i am not a playa.
Have you seen that CBS Cares commercial for testicular cancer? "Want to do something special for your woman on Valentine's Day? Examine yourself for testicular cancer. Why give a diamond, when you can give the family jewels." Really?
Great ideas - I'll forward this to my man right away!
Sara - I have not seen that commercial, but it sounds pretty hilarious. But hey, if it gets guys to get checked out, I suppose it's a good thing.
Shop Vacs are good. That way you do not need a regular vacuum cleaner and you can but her to work during home renovation projects.
Doggone, Con! You stole my post! I was going to write one about the 10 most common Valentine's Day mistakes. Now that I have read yours, and love it to bits, I would be loath to write anything more clever or differentiating. Happy Heart You Day!
For apartment dwellers, nothing says "I love you" more than a pony!
the most memorable v-day gift i got was a collection of smiley stamps :s
Thanks for the variety, I like jewels....
Jewels--so predictable! Also expensive.