Surveys show that men will give women more than 36 million boxes of chocolate and 189 million roses on Valentine's Day, making lemmings look like hip, Bohemian non-conformists. 

 
Remarkably similar-looking non-conformists.

How do you make your gift stand out over all the other presents Suzette Ypres, the hottest girl in your Introduction to Symbolist Poetry class, will receive this Valentine's Day? 

 
"Back off, losers--she likes my present best!"

Like Barney the Purple Dinosaur, you use your imagination!

 
"I SAID I LOVE YOU!"

Blue Angel Flyover:  Nothing says "I love you" like four screaming Navy F/A-18 Hornets flying overhead in tight formation, causing her Hummel collection to fall off the knick-knack shelf and crash to the floor.  Be sure and shout out your feelings at the top of your lungs or she won't hear you.

Elephant Parade:  Everybody loves a parade, especially one that features ponderous, pudgy pachyderms!  "I don't know what it is about women and elephants," says professional shopper Elaine Fricke.  "They're guaranteed to bring tears to their eyes.  Maybe it's the smell of the droppings," she speculates.

A Kitten!  Although many women are allergic to cats, you can show her your impetuous, romantic side by giving her a kitten without asking first!  Who'll do the house-training?  Who cares!  If she really loves you, she won't blame you for Kitzi's little "accidents."

Do-it-Yourself Jewelry!  Remember how much your mother loved those gimp bracelets you'd make for her at summer camp?  Surprise that "special someone" in your life with a pretty plastic accessory in pink and black--Elvis's favorite colors.  As you slip it on her wrist, say "I once did this *sniff* to my mother."  She'll find the comparison oh-so-romantic, you devil you!

Kitchen Utensils:  You'd be surprised how many women are offended by gifts that "come on too strong," suggesting you're more interested in a night of wild passion than a boring long-term relationship.  Show her your "practical" side by giving her something useful, like a butcher knife or a rolling pin.  Some women are so impressed with these creative presents they put them to good use right away!