Rushed to Hospital, Biden Brain Scan Yields False Positive
WASHINGTON, D.C. Vice President Joseph Biden was rushed to Walter Reed Hospital for a brain scan today at the request of President Obama after Biden cast a pall over the signing of the health care reform bill by referring to it as a "big deal," adding a vulgar word that means sexual intercourse. "Joe is exhausted as we all are," said White House spokesman Robert Gibbs. "He gets brain cramps around microphones."
“The tests showed that I do not have a brain or even any of its symptoms.”
Biden passed the test with flying colors as the brain scan yielded only a “false positive.” “For critics who have been sniping at me behind and in some cases in front of my back, I say to you–phooey!” Biden declared to cheering supporters before adjourning to a Chuck E. Cheese restaurant.
Otto the Orange
Biden graduated 76th out of 85 students in his Syracuse University law school class, a ranking that he claimed put him in the top half. When offered the opportunity to correct his mathematical error, Biden replied “A lot of politicians will say different things to different audiences. That’s my answer and I’m sticking to it.”
“I’m having a hard time following your pre-emption argument because of your stupid outfit.”
Biden has long claimed that he would have done better in law school if he had not simultaneously held down the position of Otto the Orange, the Syracuse University mascot. “They put me in that costume the first week of school and didn’t tell me how to get out,” he complained to reporters. “It sure didn’t help during my moot court presentation.”
“Joe called me ‘articulate’. He found that big word in his Golden Book Encyclopedia.”
Biden's gaffe was the only sour note on a day with historic repercussions, and political analysts pointed to the Vice President's hasty retreat as a sign that Obama is feeling more confident after his big legislative victory. "They keep Biden around as a sort of good luck charm," noted impolitic.com's Sean Heffernan. "He's like the National Honor Society president that a head cheerleader takes along when she goes to the mall."
Trying hard to look thoughtful.
The White House said Biden would be dispatched to states with close races coming up this fall in the hope that he could help Democrats maintain majorities in both houses of Congress. “Republicans win with candidates who aren’t smarter than the American people," noted Biden. "I’m the only guy who can beat them at their own game.”