AAA North Jersey just invited me to go on a Magical Disney Tour! Of course they want some money or something. But no matter; I quickly hit “reply” to respectfully decline.

It wasn’t just the money (as in, I have none!) or my irrational fear of all things Disney (notice how there are no moms in those kiddie flicks?).  But why oh why would I want to go on a tour and step away from my own magical life?

Truly if Disney is all they’ve got, I knew they needed my help. So I sent them an offer that was positively a never-been-experienced before opportunity: A tour of My Magical Life! Yes, AAA, you and your members can spend a week on tour with me!

It will be such fun! Everyday is different, rules are few and the kitchen’s always open! Music is playing all the time, we have more rodents than people and somehow the bathroom always sparkles. Books are stacked everywhere and you’ll find a magazine to read no matter where you happen to be sitting.

And get this -- a magic tree house is being built for me right now. Yep. How many people can offer a tour of a magic tree house? You can then be stunned and amazed as you watch two people stare at each other in said tree house and wonder how so much can be said when no words are spoken. You will leave enlightened and in awe. Your life will be forever changed but you won’t be able to explain it, as there are no words for this condition.

Of course the tour will include some time at a real old fashioned newsroom where print papers are still produced seven days a week. You’ll see reporters dash out for breaking stories and photographers toting impossibly big camera. There will be harried phone calls and constant Web updates and crazy people who call in swearing they’d been water-boarded by Dick Cheney. You can answer the phone calls! It’s really great fun!

You’ll also get the opportunity to interact daily with an inspiring teenager who grunts in multiple syllables and sometimes eats with actual utensils. Even if you have your own teens at home, you’ll take away a nugget of knowledge (or at least a secret code combination to beat some computer game).

These are just some of the highlights, and I’m sure you can see, AAA, my tour kicks Disney’s and I didn’t even reveal the contents of my snack cabinet or the many tricks my wily rodents can do. Really, can Mickey Mouse fly through the air and vanish into a slot the size of a paperclip? I didn’t think so.

Well, I’m still waiting to hear back from AAA. If this works out, I might be able to save up for, I don’t know, something. I’m sure there’s something I want. But I really can’t think of a thing …