Thank you all for playing with my balls. And thank you, Jostlin' Testes Harder, for NOT :-).
Your comments were much more fun and imaginative than my original. But for those still interested in delving into the ontological/epistemological depths behind the photos and captions, here's a profound exegesis.
#1: I kicked this guy's balls.
TLJ was resident jock, leader of pick-up games and curator of sports equipment of all kinds: footballs, of course, lacrosse sticks, tennis racquets, basketballs, soccer balls, you name it, he had it -- even twelve-foot oars for crew!
The balls in question were his soccer balls, kicked around in the quad.
So, damn, no deification by hatchetman, I never played on the football team. But hey, I was quite a bit younger than most of these guys, hadn't grown to my adult Boxer size, and soccer style kickers weren't in vogue yet.
#2: I inhaled with these dudes at a ball. They both won Nobel Prizes for something green.
#2 a. HALF TRUE
I inhaled with only one of these guys at said ball. Maybe technically that makes the whole statement false.
For reasons of confidentiality and assurance of continued safety and well-being of self and family, I cannot be more specific. Let me just say that Tipper was with Junior at every dance. So you decide.
#2 b. TRUE
Al Gore, of course, won the Nobel Peace Prize for inventing the Internet -- can't be greener than that.
Marty Chalfie couldn't hack it as a math major, switched to something soft like biochem, discovered green fluorescent protein (GFP) and won the Nobel Prize in Chemistry. Go figure.
#3: I have balls. You just can't see 'em in the picture.
#3. TRUE/FALSE: Elusive. Illusive. Allusive.
Depends on who "I" is ("I" am? "I" are?) If it is the author of this piece, he is mercifully still intact, as Dharmabummer kindly allowed.
If "I" is the woefully hangdog canine in the photo, and alas, he has indeed been "fixed." His name is "Orion," not to be confused with the reprobate, now dead, distant cousin O'Ryan, who blotted the family escutcheon; daughter wanted to name him (the dog, not the cousin) Beetlejuice after her favorite movie character, but wiser heads and an early lesson in astronomy prevailed. However, as the Axeman perceptively pointed out, and which was indeed the author's original conceit, Orion does occasionally play with exogenous objects of spheroidal shape used in human/canine interactions.
BALLS! So now we get to define balls ........