APRIL 14, 2009 4:27PM

Amazon Adult Ratings -- the OS Edition

Rate: 32 Flag




Reading in the NYT about the ratings travails of giant authors like James Baldwin and E.M. Forster after being consigned to the Adult bin by Amazonian midgets, I had to find out first hand what company their books were keeping.

I must be the only person on Open Salon that didn't realize Amazon even had an Adult division. If one spends all of one's spare time alternating between Monty Python and Dostoyevsky, one is evidently not an adult, so.....

The screenshot of Amazon's Adult Products above is not for mere titillation. Examine it closely. Together with the not unexpected Desi & Elli Fox: Mother/Daughter Porn Team and works by the memorably yclept Sook-yin Lee and Sean Biggerstaff ..... SURPRISE! We have the rather improbable coupling of:

  • The Book of Mormon (Hardcover) by Joseph Jr. Smith (sic)
  • Nicomachean Ethics by Aristotle and Terence Irwin (the redoubtable Prof. Irwin is doubtless thrilled at the billing)

There had to be more. Gorgias by Plato and Irwin, perhaps? I had to slip past

  • Cheeky! by Yulia Mayarchuk,
  • A Parent's Guide to Preventing Homosexuality by (Who gives a fuck -- is that a parent or a pedophile on the cover?)
  • The Big Penis Book (probably by Sean Biggerstaff again -- and that has to be a banana.)




I barely glanced at the "Sexy School Girl Mini Skirt" (in electric tartan - $29.95), "Dreamgirl Open Crotch Thong" (unverifiable because the vital spot was black-blobbed, so Caveat Emptor -- $24.95) or "Rough Rider Anal Lube" (literally Priceless). And sure enough, there it was, in the heart of the Adult Community of Amazon:



So now I don't understand the kvetching of some of the authors quoted in the NY Times:

  • Mark R. Probst, the author of “The Filly,” a gay western romance for young adults
  • Craig Seymour, an associate professor of communications at Northern Illinois University and the author of “All I Could Bare: My Life in the Strip Clubs of Gay Washington, D.C.”
  • Daniel Mendelsohn, an author whose memoir “The Elusive Embrace” lost its sales ranking over the weekend.

I am sure these writers and their works are of great moment and import. One would think they would be ecstatic keeping company with such immortals as Baldwin, Forster, Aristotle and Dostoyevsky (not to mention Joseph Jr. Smith). On the other hand, if it's exposure that Messrs. Probst et al want, they could do worse than join Open Salon.

The OS Edition:

Here they would not only not be remaindered onto the cut-price piles in the back room, they would be virtually guaranteed automatic EPs and Open Salon Cover status. For it has been reliably learnt that the Editors are looking for replacements for such erstwhile worthies as:

AmyTuteurMD. Dearly departed and loudly lamented, who can fill her void? Her oeuvre, and each opus a timeless OS Cover:

  • Cosmo and the Zipless F*ck (note the demure asterisk)
  • Your genital piercing got infected? Bummer
  • "Sex Can Kill" "Viagra Can Kill" "Orgasms Can Kill" "Transplant shame (?) Can Kill" "Syringes Can Kill" "Sandwiches Can Kill"
  • and "She used WHAT as a Dildo?" OMG, a .......
How would you like to be on a desert island with a thanatophobic sex fantasist?

jeffrey dach md. Creationist. Vitaminist. Bio-identical Hormonalist. Anti-aging and Wellness clinicist. (Hullo, Drs. Scruggs and Lucente
-- also of anti-aging, wellness and, wait for it, STEROIDS fame).

amaresh ambarkar. The Acne Guy. "Baby Acne and What You Must Know."

De mortuis nils nisi bonum and all that. But who will replace them? Such authors as Jostling Testicles Harder, Larry the Loon (Gavia Canadiensis); titles like "Craig's List Call Girl with PhD"(open call), "Brazilians have big NUTS!" (foodie humor); the Eds straining at Tea Party coverage of Republican circle jerks? Close, but no Clinton cigar.

I say if we can't have Plato or Aristotle on the Cover, if we can't lure "The Filly" Probst or Prof. "All I Could Could Bare" Seymour to OS, at least give us:





Copiously noted for Mrs. M.:

Nota bene: Junior members will observe how the inclusion of the talismanic "OS" in the title, no matter how tortured the connection, transforms an otherwise trivial piece into a transcendental Über-meta post.

Foot Notes: Try Pussy Foot'n Vol 21 (2007) Starring: Alexis Amore, Rebecca Lineras Format: DVD. No customer reviews yet. Be the first.

End Notes: Cheeky! (Producers Cut, Unrated, English Version) (2000) might well be the living end, the end-all-and-be-all of the genre.

Starring: Yuliya Mayarchuk, Jarno Berardi Director: Tinto Brass Rating: Unrated Format: DVD

Your tags:


Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Recipient's email address:
Personal message (optional):

Your email address:


Type your comment below:

I would love to see the media stop using the term "adult" to describe porn.

And why are all porn performers "stars?" The porn industry must be located in Lake Wobegone.
Probst? Seymour? Jeezus, these author names sound like the kind of twattle we use to laugh our asses off as kids. There was "Open Kimono" by Seymour Hare, and "Antlers in the Treetop" by Hugh Gustamoose. And who could ever forget the immortal "Russian Love" by Tearher Titzoff?

Maybe this post should have been titled March of the IlliteRates or Red Faces, White Bread, and Blue Pencils.
I have no words for this.
Rated for having OS in the title.
hee hee I knew there was something dirty about Dostoyevsky, that little dickens.
I am speechless. But thank you for the compendium of "X Can Kill!" titles. I feel like I just revisited the dearly departed and much missed Weekly World News.

I knew there was a reason I stopped ordering from them. I just didn't know what it was. I thought it had something to do with the graphics, but now I know I'm wrong.
No, that doesn't have to be a banana.
The research for this project was, umm, hard. But now that I have discharged my duties fully, I must say that the folks at Amazon can only be described as (non-gender-specific) twats. Have any of them ever fucking read a book? It's all $, $, $ ... and I, for one, have avoided them like the plague for years (except for some specific, generally used books, through Alibris or third-party sellers).

That said, Doc Amy, like cream, would probably rise to the head of the Amazon lists too. Jaysus weeps.

There's nothing junior about my member. Or something like that.
So, Lea, is that your way of claiming Sean (pronounced "seen") Biggerstaff?

OK, OE, senior members get ahead.

JLee, darnit, you're absolutely correct! But that would be piggy-backing doggie-style, and that just wouldn't be right.

Michael: "Adults" to Amazon must mean horny kids with zits (ages 14-17) thanking the cybergods they can mouse click with one hand.

Ablonde: Isn't OS great! The essential things one learns here!

Tom: Probst is just too good to be true for "gay young adult" writer, but that Seymour professes to be a professor!

Mrs. M.: Noted. But I suspect you are just checking out the footnote before commenting.

resistance: That "OS" is a surefire ratings ratcheter, God wot.

odetteroulette: Marvelous. That's Wilde.

Verbal: Seriously, I was floored. And I don't think I went beyond Page 2 of her blog. Had a definite view about killer sex, I guess.

Cartouche: Support your local bookseller. Take back the night from these literary, money-grubbing midgets.


Verbal: She had a definite view about....

Cartouche: ...money-grubbing, literary midgets instead of literary, money-grubbing etc.

my favorite? part about the Amazon "glitch" was apparently the children's book "Heather has Two Mommies" also ended up in the Adult Section.

Surely our dear departed depraved Dr. must have had something to say about THAT somewhere along the line. Alas, I am too lazy and/or non-skilled in the OS search paradigm to find it.
You're amazing, Tri-C. And yeah, I wouldn't mind my books being in that same bin (if I'd bothered to write any, I mean).
lps: I can just see dear Amy's "TWO MOMMIES KILL" in my mind's eye, but just skimming the titles on the first couple of pages of her blog was icky enough. I don't think I'll dig any deeper :-).

Lainey, you may be right. I bet "Nicomachean Ethics" had a real rise in demand when it was featured ;-). I wonder what the returns were like.

PS I hadn't known till I read this thread that Dr. Amy is gone. Where and when and why? Or is that fodder for a PM?
Well, I like killer sex and I don't care who knows it. Wait, was that off topic? Oh, yes, Amazon, illiterates, every last twat of them. Wouldn't know a great book if it bit them on the cheeky ass.
L: Your guess is as good as mine. Juliet Waters had a Farewell to Amy post, which is how I learnt about it. There were many theories as to how/why/for how long etc. espoused on it. Have a look.

Sirenita: Who doesn't like killer sex. Even I, at least ahem, umm, before I was, you know... all right, all right, neutered, had killer sex.... Once. I think. Maybe I just dreamt it. But only Doc Amy seemed to interpret it so literally :-). As for those asses at Amazon, and now with globalization and all, who knows where all this will end?

This gave me the first good laugh I've had all day. rated
The pen really is mightier than the sword, schwing!! The Doc wouldn't rise to the top. She would be pushed there by her buoyancy, resulting from her low density, (high volume, low mass). Whether it was my influence or not, thanks for bringing the phrase "Jaysus wept" into the colloquial lexicon.
With you I can cur
Glad I read that at the end of the work day: now I know I am relaxed enough from having laughed hard (ribs aching).
But how do you insert all these boxes, photo shots and sparkly names? Everytime I try to do something different or importa a picture and put it in a specific place of the post, it never works...
Now I am going to check www.amazon.fr and www.fnac.com to see what the French sites offer bookwise, in the "adult section" and I will let you know whom and what I find.
Discount hemorrhoids in the back room. Priceless! (Adulteratedly rated.)
The Brothers Karamazov look like some real partying dudes. Must have had some real swinging orgies in there...
Your research is impeccable as always. It was a dirty job but someone had to do it!
AmyTuteurMD. Dearly departed and loudly lamented, who can fill her void?

Poesy like that can't be taught or bought.
Jaysus may have wept but I am in stitches. But I'm not sure that I'd want to fill Dr. Amy's void.
I was 3/4 through The Brothers Karamazov when I dawned on me that the "brothers" weren't going to be getting down for hot-boy-on-boy action.
What a disappointment!
If Amazon really had their act together they would sell these books pre-highlighted so I could avoid all those unnecessary nouns, adjectives and ... shudder... adverbs.
Gimme verbs! Filthy wicked verbs! Like splonge and flense and the always suggestive trio of squa-tront, spa-foon and shlorp!
(damply rated)
Yeah, Amazon can be a really hopping place, with the right search terms!! Oooohlaaaalaaaaa!!

CCC--have you been licking your balls again? I know. it's because you can. This is brilliantly dirty. :)
Another typical many-layered post. Well done, Woofie. One can laugh at the morons at Amazon and elsewhere - their choices and categories, debate the debasement of the word "adult" as Michael points out or check out the "erotica." I think I'll hit on The Brothers Karamazov :).
Boy, these late night West Coast Sox games really screw up one's OS schedule. Extra innings, four and a half hours -- and they lost :-(.

Mrs. Peel: Glad to be of assistance. You'd seemed a bit low lately -- but nothing lifts the spirits like lifting a bit of the spirits. So, I raise my glass to you, and hope you do the same. Cheers.

Axeman: Don't tell me I've fallen afoul of ye, citation-wise, agin. But finn again what about "crazed and be jadeses whipt" from "The Ondt and the Gracehoper," eh?

Sarah: Merci, madame. The French do this sort of thing so much better. I'll check out the site per your instructions and report back -- I doubt if one would find Flaubert presented cheek-by-jowl with Sook Yin Lee ;-).

Stacey: Thank you. Thank you. At least someone noticed my piles!

Harry: You're right. Back in the day, Fyodor and Dmitri were big swinging dicks. Aloysha not so much. And that Grushenka -- oo la la!

Kelly, thanks for understanding. It was a tough gig, but after my, ahem, little operation, I think I was best-equipped for the task :-).

Rich, Coyote: Thanks. Yes, the mind boggles at the thought, but then, she was hard to avoid ;-).

Sorry, folks, got side-tracked researching Amazon France, as per Sarah's suggestion.

Ooh la la, I tellya, the French do it right! None of this "Adult" nonsense. Following Sarah's explicit instructions, went to the section on Vie Pratique ("The Practical Life"!) and immediately entered Sexualité et érotisme and soon was hard on the heels of Le meilleur en Bibliothèque de pornographie.

Can't tell a book by its cover, but the erotic ones seemed erotic and the pornographic ones pornographic. And Aristotle, Plato and Dostoyevsky were nowhere to be seen. Did run into Marquis de Sade though. And, oui, j'ai certainement amélioré mon français , as Mrs. C. will be happy to attest, I hope ;-).

Sarah, my technique (c'mon guys, change of subject here) for formatting is very basic. Undertow has a great list of posts relating to the OS editor and such. I have found Kent Pitman's Tutorial
particularly useful.

Thank you all. Researching Amazon Japan next.