Cartouche's Blog

Writing My Way Out of Something


Someplace, somewhere else, USA
February 09
Mind My Own Business
Artist, former newspaper columnist and restaurant critic. Award-winning author of "In Pursuit of Excellence". In my spare minute I can be found blogging here, on Huffington Post and other places that don't pay and (more often) writing for some places that do. Occasionally I tweet random thoughts and observations as @nonconfromist. I keep the really good ones to myself.


Editor’s Pick
OCTOBER 25, 2010 7:18AM

The Old Man and the C-Section

Rate: 71 Flag

What do you get when you breathe new life into classic (or crappy)  best sellers of decades past by mixing them up with modern day woes and general celebrity idiocy?  A list and a brief synopsis, that’s what.  Here’s a list of ten best sellers with slightly revised titles and exciting changes to the original story lines that would surely make Hemingway and Michener proud to be writers today.

The Old Man and the C-Section:  After years of in vitro fertilization, finally conceiving, giving birth to twins and cutting their umbilical cords, the amazing story of Celine Dion and her husband’s inability to come up with names for their newborn babies.  

                                  Celine Dion

                                How about naming those boys "Felix" and "Oscar"?

The Satanic Curses:  Chilling novel set in 21st century America about would be political candidate Christine O’Donnell’s struggles with self-love and gainful employment.

Once is More than Enough:  Brett Favre’s return to football.  Again.

Mistrial’s Daughter:  The not yet published story of John Edwards’ and Rielle Hunter’s love child as told to the Grand Jury from her point of view, beginning at inception, on the campaign trail, in the womb. 

The Bored Supremacy:  Delusions of grandeur and other tall tales from the life and times of Glenn Beck.

                                Glenn Beck

                                           He's Crying All the Way to the Bank

The Not So Firm:  Monica Lewinsky and Kirstey Alley chew the fat in this calorie-rich “how to” about late night eating habits.

The Sexorcist:  The rise, fall and rise of Tiger’s Wood and the texting demons that follow him.

Still Waiting to Exhale:  The long -awaited Bill Clinton confession that will shock three people in the world.

Half-Baked Alaska:  If it’s possible, an even longer version of the Michener classic that tells the never-ending one word story of Sarah Palin.

The Whore’s Whisperer:  The 400 volume tell-all that politicians, sports figures and celebrities pay handsomely to suppress, ensuring it will never see the light of the publishing day.



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The Bored Supremacy is my favorite :) I think I can honestly say that assclown of a human being really is responsible for driving a wedge between myself and my family members. I hope he dies in a fire.
Old Man and the C Section is hysterical! I'll be trying to come up with these all day now! Thank you for the snerks this dark windy morning!
Very good stuff here. I wish I had thought of it. -R-
Hands down the funniest thing yet.
Good thinking Cartouche'
Genius! My personal favorite is the Whore's Whisperer.
Rated for intelligent, literate and topical humor.
Hilarious. I love how your mind works...~r
Being a former WI resident I liked "Once Is More Than Enough". I loved that Grampa Brett three interceptions on Sunday.
The Bored Supremacy--perfect.
Clever! And well-deserved EP.
Snerk-a-rama! Great stuff!

My favorite is Half-Baked Alaska because I so love S.P.
This was a breath of fresh air...a highly creative little diddy to start the week off right. Thanks!
The Not So Firm: Monica Lewinsky and Kirstey Alley CHEW THE FAT in this calorie-rich “how to” about late night eating habits.

Beautiful!!!! May be your greatest, most clever single sentence! And that is saying a lot! {{{R}}}
Very brilliant my dear Cartouche..
Ahh celine... felicitations.

rated with hugs
Thanks for making me laugh this dreary Monday morning! The Bored Supremacy was priceless! R
Still Waiting to Exhale was probably the most innovative of them all. Very well done. Rated.
How can you be this clever so early in the morning?!
Waiting to exhale again--I'd buy it.
Cute. Liked the first one the best....

Wait, crap, was suppose to make my love letter to cartouche today's post.



I hope Three is Enough for Celine (likely to be raising these kids on her own at some point)...maybe they should call them Nip and Tuck.
Very clever post, as always. R
Spot on! (And hilarious.)
". . .that tells the never-ending one word story of Sarah Palin."


Hopefully an EP for you today.
Cute, clever fun. (Getting that Whole Foods turkey.)
Money Shines -- an experiment in what people will do for small amounts of money -- like squat down and pick it up off the sidewalk.
"Moby's Dick." A tell-all book about the 1990s electronica/dance music icon's sex life.

Great stuff, cartouche.
classic cartouche cleverness. loved 'em all, p.
You're the best. That is all.
LOL! I'm loving Half-Baked Alaska. You are in rare form this morning, Cartouche!

Ah, yes. But you have to throw in some zombies and vampires to catch the interest of publishers. Luckily, there should be plenty of those in washington.
So much for Blumenthal's assertion comedy never gets an EP! Loved this.
So funny - where do you come up with this stuff?? Such a great way to start out my week. Thank you!
rated.....very funny, very very creative
Great list, but you left off my favorite:

It Takes A Pillage -- the autobiography of Alan Greenspan, in which the putative genius refutes his sort-of confession (others were guilty of monetary malfeasance but not him) and again pledges his undying devotion to the third-rate romances and thirtieth-rate economic philosophy of Ayn Rand. AG reiterates his belief that permitting economic pillaging by the greediest bastards on the planet will inevitably benefit the commonweal.

PS The sequel is being written as we speak, and is due out Nov 2.
Your creativity asounds me. Fantastic!
hahaha! This is great.
@Sheila: Maybe Emily's on vacation.
Too clever for words. I'm still smiling~R.
Well done! Thanks for the laugh and the truth! R.
I make my own lists like this all the time! It's nice to find a kindred spirit. Wonderful.


"The Human 'Splain" -- long-lost tell all by by Ricky Ricardo about his crossover success.

"Wuthering Hypes" -- surviving the age of Fox News

"Candide! Dide Not! Dide So!" -- Voltaire reworks his best of all possible books as the travails of a newbie talking head/pundit, trying to make his point on the internets.

"A Streetcar Named Fuck You, Asshole" -- Set in modern times, Stella leaves Stanley months before Blanche loses Belle Reve. A 10 minute play.

"Dante's Pizza Inferno" -- cookbook
These are all going on my "must read" list--hee hee.
It's hard to pick a fave, they're all so funny. Half-baked Alaska. The Bored Supremacy. I laugh. :) Rated
The Bib Lardasski. The unauthorized biography of Russ Limbaugh"s personal trainer. Vivid details of Rush trying to lose that big ass. Pictures included. AAhhaahh~
Aren't you clever!
The Bored Supremacy my absolute favorite.
Clever clever stuff. Thanks for the laughs today.
Very funnily done. Fine humor piece.

Are you a Quebecoise (that right?) who followed the sun to Florida?
Bet you are.
Clever...very clever!
I can't stop laughing. You should totally write these books, start churning them out, make a few bucks, appear on the talk shows. You'd be famous....for all the wrong reasons...but FAMOUS!
I was going to write my favorite...but there are too many. Well done and glad to see it on the cover.
Very, very clever. I'd be proud to not read any of them. The best I could come up with is the story of an angry French chef, "The Crepes of Wrath."
Great collection Cartouche. It reminded me of an old Mad Magazine feature on the Birchers rewriting titles to patriotize them like The Red, White and Blue Badge of Courage and A Day In the Life of Melvin Denisovich.

Anyway, I'll play along. How about The Lions, The Witch and the Wardrobe Malfunction - Christine O'Donnell's misadventure in Ford Field.
The Bored Supremacy is great. The Sexorcist is funny too -even to someone that didn't follow that whole mess. Very clever idea.
This is what I call High Satire. Well done.
I think something similar happened with THE JOY OF COOKING.
There was a reason for reading all those bestsellers. A great laugh to begin the day. Thanks.
Way to give it to Beck, cartouche! This was just brilliant! Love the entire post, but, oh, The Bored Supremacy takes the ever loving cake!
Brilliant. Of course.
Brilliant. Just found this, and love it.