I am not the most warm, open, loving person. I wish I were, but I am not sure how to make the transformation.
I am also not at my best right now, what with the PTSD affecting me the way that it is. It is my own fault for letting Penny be so out of control for so long. That's a lie, it's not my fault. I reached out to so many professionals, so many friends, and yet at the end of the day it was just me and her in our house: her raging and me jumping in the car, driving circles in the neighborhood.
Once I made the decision about Penny going to live with her mother (someday? not sure if it's even possible) I was able to soften towards her a bit, after months of barely being able to be in the same room. Two days ago, after I told her about her mom's husband dying, I had to stop at Walgreens to pick up her meds. I bought her a snickers bar, a teen celebrity magazine and a card with a storm cloud on the cover saying "crap." Inside it said "Sorry things suck so much for you right now." and I signed it "I will always love you, Caroline." She wordlessly took all these things before barricading herself in the basement to watch tv.
Yesterday was dark and rainy and I realized it has been many months since we went to a movie--or did anything--together. I thought we might be able to see Snow White and the Huntsman and headed home. She was sitting on the couch when I got there and I chickened out before suggesting the movie. I had to go in the bathroom, take deep breaths and remind myself that doing this one simple outing together would be okay. I guess this is an example of how the PTSD is preventing me from having normal interactions with her.
I came out of the bathroom, finally, suggested the movie and then we were off to her favorite restaurant. Because I don't cook very often, we used to go out to eat several times a week but now it has been months since we've done so. She's been living on microwaved things out of the freezer.
As we rode the escalator down to the place, I began to panic about how we would pass the time. Hypervigilant that she is (and I am too), she said, "You look sad or mad. What's the matter?" I changed the subject.
Once seated, I sent her off on an errand (to check the movie times) while we waited for our food, and when she returned she started a game of hangman for us to play on her place mat. We always played games together when we ate out before, back when I could stand to be near her. The time passed without incident but then we had an hour to kill before the movie.
I kill a lot of hours lately, just trying to get through the days without incident. The person I used to be used to worry about making the most of my time, getting things done or having fun or working on creative projects, etc. Now I just exist and get through.
We walked to the bookstore and she made a comment about how short her shorts were, they were riding up her butt and irritating her. "I'm surprised you didn't say anything about how short they are when I put them on," she said to me
and then her evil grin (sorry, that's how I see it) appeared and she said, "I know. You're afraid you would set me off, weren't you?" I swear her eyes gleamed.
My shakiness started to return, along with a red hot anger that she KNOWS she is bullying me, and DAMMIT I will not be terrorized by a 7th grader. I swallowed all this as we continued to the bookstore, but then realizing another potential for her rage I said, "Remember, we're just going to spend time here, not money."
She started to protest, claiming money I owed her and I said, "No, remember you decided to stop doing your chores?"
She narrowed her eyes and in her most menancing voice said, "Don't bring up the subject of chores. You know it will just make me mad."
Swallowing my escalating fear I say, "I am not afraid to discuss chores with you, Penny. You are expected to help around the house and I am not afraid to tell you that." (lie)
By now we were In Public and Penny does not make scenes In Public, so instead she just stormed off into the store, disappearing among the aisles.
We made it over to the theater without incident, mostly because I acquiesced into buying every sugary thing she wanted. During the movie, she laid her head on my shoulder and when she sat back up, I told her I had to go to the bathroom and then left the theater for 45 minutes. I sat on a bench, all the while willing myself to go back inside and sit beside the person who makes my skin crawl.
In the car on the way home, I felt frozen, like my cheeks, lips could not move, I could only barely nod my head as Penny chatted. She talked about how she could relate to Snow White while in my head I marveled at how much Charlize Theron as the Evil Queen reminded me of her. The way she screamed every time she did not get her way, the way she sucked the life source out of everything around her.
Penny then said she knew her brothers would rescue her if needed, just like the brothers in Snow White rescued her. And isn't that cool that she has brothers like that?
Ah yes, the ones in and out jail, who have phoned Penny twice in the last three years, who are no longer allowed to see their own babies for god knows what reason. Heroes! I just nodded.
As we pulled onto our street, I saw that tomorrow was recycling day and I said aloud that we needed to bring our stuff to the curb. We came inside and I said, "Leave your shoes on so you can help me bring this stuff down." I got to sorting, and Penny calmly took off her shoes and went upstairs. "Penny, I asked you to help me with the recycling."
"I'm tired. I'm taking a bath."
"It will take 5 minutes."
She started to argue and then every negative thought I had came bursting out of my throat.
At one point she said that I owed her money from chores done months ago, so I gave her every bit of cash in my purse and told her to take it and get out of my life once and for all.
"How?"
"I don't know, but why do you think I've been calling your family so much lately? I WOULD CUT OFF MY OWN ARM JUST TO GET YOU OUT OF HERE FOR GOOD!"
Then I left, drove circles in my car.
When I came back she was sound asleep, and this morning our paths did not really cross. She took the bus to her 1st day of volunteering at a park program. A model teen! I went into her room and saw the card with the storm cloud scotch taped above her bed.
It's taped so that you can see the inside, "I will always love you, Caroline."
I have absolutely no idea what thoughts are inside her head right now.
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Living with PTSD is never easy, but combine a Teen with that and holy crap.
Instead, I told her she had to leave because she did not help me with the recycling.
This morning I saw something else Penny did before leaving for the bus. She wrote on our kitchen calendar that I owe her the $50.00 I put in her college fund.
My brain cannot compute her writing that AND taping the card over her bed.
I'm torn between thinking she's been so awful because she WANTS to be sent back to her family and part of me thinks she is attached to me and wishes things could be better between us.
My thoughts and prayers are with you...
Summer camp, maybe? (for her, I mean)
That said, I always appreciate the affirmation from new folks that I am living in an impossible situation -- so I appreciate your comment. Thank you.
Anne - I know that rejecting her may very well destroy her only chance in life. I just don't know how I can possibly go on living with her.
The worst part is that I CANNOT talk to her. She simply disassociates whenever a tough subject is brought up. Also, if I tell her anything personal about me she ALWAYS uses during the next 20 rages or so. For example, the time I explained to her why I was sad and she said in mocking voice, "Oh, you're worried about your dad's surgery?" Then yelling, "Well I know he's going to die because you deserve for him to die and I am going to pray right now that it happens because I have special powers you know!"
It's tough being on your own with someone so rebellious, and at a time like this, with PTSD, no less. I do hope counseling is a doable proposition for you.
Peace to you
R
At this point, is there a social worker or some agency who can organize some kind of emergency re-assessment or placement to help figure out how to re-unite Penny with her family or in a temporary alternative placement? No one can live in a constant state of fear and anxiety -- and that has been your life even if there have been beautiful days and periods in between. I know this must seem overwhelming to you right now (losing track of time and feeling as if you're living in an alternate universe is a side of PTSD I know all too well) but just take it one step at a time, one phone call at a time.
BTW- making sense of the the taping up of your card and then the threat -- this is what splitting looks like. I am not a psychologist but in my experience in my work, children with attachments disorders can't "stay" in a space of love for any extended period of time and cope by doing something to create distance. They're also likely to act out in a way that will get them "kicked out" so they get to be in control. It's not like Penny is doing this consciously but that does not make it any easier. You are both in my thoughts and prayers. You can get through this. Keep writing and let us know how you're doing.
So here's what I have been trying to say to you having been in a similar situation. Have you had the free time to really think about the consequences FOR YOU not Penny of giving her back to her other mom or someone else. Take time on this one because you have invested six full years in this kid.
Would you feel lonely guilty or sad in the long run if you gave up now? I'm NOT, ephatically NOT, thinking of Penny's end of this right now but of yours. Imagine six months from now. Will you be relieved and know that you did all you could and that in a way your daugher was damaged long before you took her on? But would you, who have given your life to make hers better, feel empty or lost or do you imagine primarily relief,.
This is the picture of a damaged girl teen or tween who is doing you harm not by choice. In her own way as in your own way there is love there but is that enough if you are going crazy? Or will you get a rest very soon, I think you must, and try and see the consquences for yourself?
I raised an adoptive child, from the day she was born. We had very rough times when I'd call the birthmom and hang up, feeling that she had the easier life. Then I was so invested and so empathic to my kid, easier than yours but still maimed by Something that I had times of hope , big time, and now, when she is 26, I despair.
Why? Because like Penny my daughter lacks all manner of empathy and is increasingly insensitive to me. I'll give two examples but first i'll press post bec. of the whirling dervish machine I am on.
The two recent events are really bad.
On Mother's Day, I had anaphalatic shock from the pills i was taken for amoeba dysentery. I was in NYC, 4 minutes by cab from her and I am shy about calling others in any emergency. I'm also loathe to ever ask her for help but it was mother's day so she did not call me but I called her. Very calmly I said I thought I maybe should go to an emergency room but being a weekend in Manhattan, I'd need company. Instantly she said these words "Mom, I think I might be getting a cold so I'm going to get off." Think on that one!
Next, I was (yes my ailments could make her distance but trust me i'm o so careful to sound well if she calls) --so next which is a few days ago, I was due to have pretty major surgery. Many were sending prayers to me and a foster daughter (I raised many kids in part bec. being alone with my own was scary, just as you described.) So this now 39 year old who i raised since she was 6 until 19, who helped me with discipline for the child i raised from birth, arrived in a ny minute to help me. She called the daughter/adoptee and told her that she was having fun here and that E. should pray for us during the surgery. People on OS cared. People from all parts of my life cared. But my so called adult daughter actually told Jackie when Jackie called her that she had forgotten all about it, and never has she called or emailed since.
I'm telling you this not to suggest you give up but to show how sometimes even the best parent ends up. I think of the birthmom all the time and in many ways....I'm sorry I invested 20 of the best years of my life being a hands on, truly empathic but not overbearing mom. And this is no phase; she was always on the more aspergers end of the spectrum while i was born with too much empathy. So one might say we just were a hard combo as many non adopted parents feel as well. But I would not do it over again Caroline bec. one does expect that the years, day after day of single parenting a kid would yeild some emotional parity once she reaches adulthood. I'm so furious at myself for my many sacrifices and for not reading how selfish she would be with or without my love that I get ZERO pleasure from her as has been true since she was 18. And we were very close all those years. But fun? About one week's worth to be honest as you are. So know that although Penny might develop more than my kiddo did, she also may not. Glad she never reads me, nothing i've published, nothing on here and surely not this comment, which I should find a way to tell her but my rage and worry persist, worry that if she is so care-less to me then she must be mighty unhappy camper. And all my work/love/mothering to the max did nothing to heal her wounds and remember i'm the only mom she eve
We can email here if you like. I am sorry to have to tell you such an awful tale but so is yours as of now. PLEASE think about the consequences for YOU in giving up. LOVE i really love you cm. R
PW - I'm sorry if my response about the counseling sounded rude - I really didn't mean it that way. if you only knew how much time I have spent every single week for the past 6 years talking to therapists, etc. -- its exhausting. thank you for the well wishes.
Joan, I appreciate your kind words and support.
Phyllis, "There is a solution and you will find it" I sure like the sound of that!
Antionette, I love your virgin mary example. And thank you for the suggestion about looking into re-unification strategies -- I'm going to look into that. the attachment piece DOES help explain a lot of her behavior. I really appreciate that you take the time to write such thoughtful responses -- I feel like you really understand. thank you.
You have really given me alot to think about here...especially your questions about how I will feel 6 months after she's gone. I don't know the answer right now -- I vacillate between expecting to feel relieved and devastated. Trying to imagine how she will feel gets any murkier, although either way I think she will be miserable. I don't think she knows any other way to be.
Thank you for taking the time to write such a thoughtful response and giving me so much to think about.
Drema
No wisdom, just so sorry.
I do remember when my own birth child and I were at the point where my nervous system was shot -- it wasn't until he'd moved out of the house and we had had some space, like two years of space, did I realize how at the end of my rope I was, how little I had to offer to this young man anymore, how I felt I made it all worse each day -- I didn't understand his pervasive early childhood issues of abandonment, insecurity and more....and that's without underlying mental issues.
I'm grateful every day now that we get along again --
I do hope one day you and your daughter might have some sort of a sense of peace together.
Mostly for now, I hope you get a much needed separation from her -- it sounds crucial for you.
I will say the only practical tactic that seemed to work with my daughter when she was at her WORST -- was to react the opposite of what she expected from me. Eventually I learned to burst into tears (although I didn't feel like crying) and blame myself for everything (even though it wasn't my fault) than get angry, because, for some reason I still don't understand, that would make her weepy and conciliatory. Maybe she wanted me to mirror what she was feeling?
Anyway, I hope you find some peace soon. Peace before answers, I always say.
I reckon all these kids are damned lucky to have been chosen by adoptive parents like you and my friend. Period.