Caroline Marie

caroline marie

caroline marie
northern city, United States
July 24
Temperamental Story Teller
posts will tell


DECEMBER 21, 2011 2:04PM

So Far Away From the Sun

Rate: 12 Flag

Here we are again, facing the darkest night of the year.  If we can just get through it, without the demons driving us mad, then tomorrow we can begin to journey towards light, redemption and transformation. 

Right now my girl is in bed, immobile, consumed with grief. She doesn't know why, she lacks the self-awareness. But I see that last year her mom sent her a christmas present for the first time, and this year none has come.  A gift or note may still arrive, or it may not.

"Does my mother know me, care about me, remember who I am? If my own mother--the one who held me as an infant, knew me as a  toddler and raised me until I was 6-- does not deem me worthy or even memorable, then why should I get out of bed?"  

Time has stopped in my daughter's world. Will the Sun return? Will there ever be light? 

I too am spending this day in my bed with the door closed. Immobilized with indecision about how to get through a beautiful holiday with a joyless child.

I cannot face the brown grocery bags still sitting on the kitchen floor with all the baking ingredients inside. I cannot plug the tree in again today because is a tree still a christmas tree when you have noone to admire it with you?  There will be no more music or movies or anything that reminds my daughter of her status as Outcast, outcasted as she was from all the people she knew and loved at such a tender age.

Please God, we must just get through this longest night and then the next few days, for only after that can we again dream of sunshine and hope to laugh again somehow.

But first there is tonight, filled with our deepest regrets, the error of our ways.  Looking at my life without benefit of the sun, I see all that I have screwed up. I want a joyful kid, a happy family, a love-filled home but instead I have a ghost of a child, a gloomy, cold and lifeless apartment. This is my life and the home that I have chosen and created and yet it is horrible--unbearable, really--and I am just laying here in self-pity and regret.  If I am not worthy of a better life, or capable of creating one, then why should I get out of bed?

Don't worry about me, though. I do realize that the sun will return, and in a few days I'll be able to see my life in a new light.  My daughter's brave struggle and her beautiful heart will be illuminated once more. I'll acknowledge my own valiant effort to do what is right and my home will again become cozy and warm.

I will not stay in bed forever--just until the light returns. 

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2 posts in 2 days - wow!
Your daughter will remember your kindness to her, even if she is incapable of showing that now. Take care of yourself.
Oh my. What a heart-breaking post. I agree with Patrick. One day, she will realize who her true mother is. Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year. ...Hug.
wow, torrito. what a beautiful comment - thank you!

thank you too deborah for your well wishes.
No advice, no platitudes. Wishing peace and light for you both.
Remember the Truth that lives in the very subatomic particles of your essence. You Are One With All Things, All People, All Times.

Nothing ends or begins save for in relation to the illusion of our temporary existence, for everything moves in cycles...even the universe itself.

Love is as easy as loving, and though you may not receive it from those who believe they are separate, it can be found in a snowflake, a splash of light or the warmth of your own belly after a good cup of something warm.

There is nothing outside of the consiousness that is in everything, much as in your dreams you are everything you dream, though you are not aware.

If these thoughts conflict with your current belief system, I apologise for any offense, and offer you my love and warmth, though from afar, we all are never anywhere but all right here.

You are never alone, even when by yourself.

May you find peace, and blessed Solstice!
I understand days in bed, wrapped in despair. I hope the light takes you by surprise, soon. xo ~r
So painful to watch and be able to offer her that which she cannot take in yet: true parental love. Hang in there, the days start getting longer in just 7 hours.
Have you considered making this weekend about something besides Christmas? Change the subject, go play somewhere. Just a suggestion, but it works for me.
One of the best things about Christmas is that it is really about Love and that is something that can be freely exchanged on any day, at any time and under any circumstance. Sometimes all we need is to take charge of ourselves so that we can be a light to someone else who needs it more. Turn on the Christmas lights, bake the cookies, play the music, and perhaps that will gently lift your girl out of her despair and give her something to go to? If you both remain despondent, that might signal to her that she is right to hold such deep grief, you know? Hold out love and joy for her. The worst that can happen is that she will chose to ignore it, but make it hard for her to do that. My love and prayers are with you both, Caroline Marie. I know this is so hard........xoxox
It's hard to read such heartbreak and say" incredible writing" but sometimes when I write my heart out that is exactly why or what I what to hear. So. Strong and beautiful, your writing shines in the dark places your heart cannot go yet. I am so moved by your vivid descriptions of you and your bereft child.
Whew so much said with so few words I wish I were there to offer you hope and love acknowledge your pain yet rejoice in what will be in time. I am glad to read you know this too will pass with time. I wish I had magic words....
one moment, one hour, one day at a time.