I just stepped out into the night with my dog, and the garage light was reflecting off of the green leaves on the trees along my driveway. Green leaves! (gasp) Spring has really come.

No matter how long and difficult the winter, we can trust that Spring Will Return.

We can… Read full post »

Spring is coming late here...no leaves on the trees yet, but at least the snow is gone, well mostly, except for the slowly shrinking pile in the shade next to the parking ramp.

The trauma under my skin is slowly shrinking too, as peacefulness slowly wraps itself around my home,… Read full post »

I have written 125 posts since I started this blog in January 2010. The more recent ones are focused on parenting a traumatized kid (and being traumatized by the traumatized kid) but before that 

I used to write dark fairy tales, remember? And poems and essays. I like going back and reading… Read full post »

Two months before her 8th birthday, Penny rode on a plane for the very first time.  She was traveling with her social worker and all of her worldly possessions in a carry-on suitcase.  She flew across the country from a warm, sunny climate and into the frigid cold.  I was waiting… Read full post »

The last few weeks my thoughts have been in a very dark place. I have calculated the reasons to be:

50% constant snow storms long after leaves and grass and flowers should have emerged

25% genetic serotonin deficiency

25% recovering from stress and trauma of Penny's stress and trauma… Read full post »

I want to write about this day because it was a good one.

Easter is fun when you have a kid who still wants you to hide candy around the house. I also get to fill a basket with pretty springtime girly things. I like to make her holidays special. We… Read full post »

Giant piles of dirty snow every where you look in late March deepens my restlessness and despair.

This weekend I have to write a paper about a great christian mystic, a woman from the 1500s. Any guesses on who it is? And now I will summarize for you, my 7 blog… Read full post »

Penny has come back to me.

Last week, she flew cross country to visit her bio family. Right now, she is laying down with her head on my lap, falling in and out of sleep. We are on the couch watching Lord of the Rings.

I dislike fantasy -  books, movies,… Read full post »

My early-40s have been more transformative than I could have imagined.

I feel my self shifting all the time. The real me is becoming stronger. Self-consciousness is dissolving into self acceptance.

None of the scary, secret parts of myself seem so scary anymore.

Choosing love over comfort has become… Read full post »

The cycle of life --a woman's life--is in my thoughts right now.

Girls at Penny's school are cutting themselves, leaving deep wounds. These girls have not been through the severe trauma that Penny has experienced, but they are lashing out against their own bodies, their own sanity, their own… Read full post »

From December 19:

Since I'm having a hard time getting back into the habit of blogging, I'm just going to make a list of thoughts.

1)There is NO doubt in my mind that if there was a gun in my house I would have been killed by now. Please don't judge the… Read full post »

Post I started December 9th:

Here's what it looks like out my window:

I'm feeling pretty good right now -the snow is so beautiful and the harsh weather reminds me how fortunate I am to have a cozy home, a full fridge, etc.

Penny has been holed up in… Read full post »

Today was our first day of autumn, weatherwise. Cool with power gusts of wind. Don't take the last of the leaves. I'm not ready to let them go.

My dog collapsed today. Upstairs. I called the neighbors and a woman who lives on the corner that I barely know came rushing over… Read full post »

bear witness to the absurdity of my walking down my street with a barely clothed teenager's arms wrapped around my waist. She is walking while bending, her top of her head somewhere below my bosom. It is hard for me to walk this way.

Meanwhile, I am holding onto the dog's… Read full post »

Well, I did it again -- another cross-country road trip, this time with an even more elderly dog (15 1/2 !) and a girl who just crossed the threshhold from tween to teen (14!) This was our third and final extended road trip, I swear to God and if you ever… Read full post »

Some seemingly eccentric folks approach their whole life as if it were an art project- a canvas for pushing boundaries, evoking and experiencing strong feelings and connecting with a wide array of humans. They avoid falling into ruts, or at least they realize when that happens and then they shift gea… Read full post »

Good God, the street lights are on at 1:30 pm on yet another dark June afternoon. 

I've been laying on the couch for days, only showering at night before going to meet friends for wine and conversation. It could be worse - I could have no friends.

I dropped Penny off… Read full post »

I am not the most warm, open, loving person. I wish I were, but I am not sure how to make the transformation.

I am also not at my best right now, what with the PTSD affecting me the way that it is. It is my own fault for letting Penny… Read full post »

Ugghhh. It's pitch black outside at 11:30 am -- and that's messing with my perpective on this carefree June afternoon. It doesn't feel gloomy, just sleepy and surreal.

I don't have anywhere to be until 2 pm. And I'm alone. That's good.

I dreamt last night that I had to move into… Read full post »

Right at this moment I am grateful for:

1) The spring sun sparkling on the green leaves outside my window.

2)  Working from home today! I don't FEEL like going into the office, so I don't have to.

3) The fresh blueberries, vanilla yogurt and plain cake donut that is waiting… Read full post »

I am about to make a broad generalization that has proven true for me thus far:  alternative health care (eastern, integrative, holistic, etc) works better than western medicine.

I have convinced my daughter to more regularly take the GABA supplement our integrative clinic recommended and I alre… Read full post »

My daughter woke up as a two-year-old today.

She cried, screamed and wailed like only a toddler can. Her shrieks sounded like "waaaah, waaaaah."  At one point, she kept repeating "I'm hungry, I'm hungry" while her breakfast was right in front of her. I believe she repeated it for a solid… Read full post »

I have written the beginnings of about a dozen posts in the past several months, but can't seem to finish any. My outer life is going fairly smoothly at the moment (knock on wood) and my inner life has been focused on love, shame, god, and other such things I can't… Read full post »

The astoundingly mild weather we are having is causing me to leave the house regularly and have fun-- something that is unprecedented for me in February. Instead of winter blahs I feel pretty good.

After Penny's bad week, I picked up her up from school on Friday and declared a Night of… Read full post »