Caroline Marie

caroline marie

caroline marie
Location
northern city, United States
Birthday
July 24
Title
Temperamental Story Teller
Bio
posts will tell

MY RECENT POSTS

DECEMBER 10, 2013 1:10PM

How Do Dog-less People Stand It?

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My life seems a lot different since my dog died three months ago.

For one thing, I am checked-out quite a bit more than usual. Hours pass while I sit in front of a screen. Last night the windchill was -25. Yes, 25 below zero, and I smiled to… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 20, 2013 9:12PM

I Can Kick Ass

It gets dark so early now and with the chill in the air I just want to wrap myself up in a blanket, drink cocoa with cinnamon and a dash of cayenne and call it a day by 5:30.

This Fall has been kicking my butt and the good news is… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 26, 2013 8:45PM

and so it goes

me and my dog

 (photo source)

I'm tired and busy. It's a busy time of year at work, and my daughter is keeping me busy with her back and forth routine of "I love you and must hug you every minute" and "I hate you so much I can't acknowledge your presence."

I find that when other… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 15, 2013 10:59PM

today was the day

SEPTEMBER 11, 2013 12:32PM

Season of Taking Care

I'm writing this from my deck and damn, those cicadas are loud! I thought for weeks that it was the power lines buzzing or something. I grew up on the Southwest Side of Chicago, what do I know about nature? Then I had over some friends who commented on the LOUD… Read full post »

AUGUST 28, 2013 3:42PM

The unworthy high schooler

I've taken some time off work, and spent today and the last 2 days doing nothing until 3:30 or so when my daughter comes home from her first days of high school. Well, I've also been trying to come to terms with "what is." You see, Penny has her first IEP this… Read full post »

Let's say you had an unusual childhood, and not in a good way. It was bad and unusual. (although not unusually bad.) 

The main elements of your story leave the people you tell it to with an expression that expresses they have no idea how to respond.

On the positive side… Read full post »

JUNE 25, 2013 12:30PM

Waiting For Bad News

The sun is shining now as I sit on my deck and think about submitting to the Universe.

We've had a lot of storms here lately, and many streets in my town are littered with fallen trees. The ground turned to soppy mud and the roots had nothing to hold on… Read full post »

JUNE 24, 2013 3:06PM

The Ugliness of Drowning

I can't quite catch my breath because tears keep sticking in my throat. From my front window, I watch the swollen creek waters racing past me.

I am sad. I am so sad that I don't know what to do with all the sadness, it leaks out my eyes, it catches in… Read full post »

MAY 30, 2013 11:42AM

After I Snarl in the Morning

Some days I wake up with a cold dark meanness hissing and snarling the life blood right out of my heart.

What? my daughter asks alarmed when she sees my face although I said nothing. 

I am not a morning person.

Last night I stroked her hair until midnight while she… Read full post »

MAY 22, 2013 1:40AM

Peace and Love on My Driveway

I just stepped out into the night with my dog, and the garage light was reflecting off of the green leaves on the trees along my driveway. Green leaves! (gasp) Spring has really come.

No matter how long and difficult the winter, we can trust that Spring Will Return.

We can… Read full post »

MAY 7, 2013 10:50PM

Trauma Blooms

Spring is coming late here...no leaves on the trees yet, but at least the snow is gone, well mostly, except for the slowly shrinking pile in the shade next to the parking ramp.

The trauma under my skin is slowly shrinking too, as peacefulness slowly wraps itself around my home,… Read full post »

I have written 125 posts since I started this blog in January 2010. The more recent ones are focused on parenting a traumatized kid (and being traumatized by the traumatized kid) but before that 

I used to write dark fairy tales, remember? And poems and essays. I like going back and reading… Read full post »

Two months before her 8th birthday, Penny rode on a plane for the very first time.  She was traveling with her social worker and all of her worldly possessions in a carry-on suitcase.  She flew across the country from a warm, sunny climate and into the frigid cold.  I was waiting… Read full post »

APRIL 15, 2013 3:37PM

Here Comes Another Damn Snowstorm

The last few weeks my thoughts have been in a very dark place. I have calculated the reasons to be:

50% constant snow storms long after leaves and grass and flowers should have emerged

25% genetic serotonin deficiency

25% recovering from stress and trauma of Penny's stress and trauma… Read full post »

APRIL 1, 2013 12:46AM

The Last Easter?

I want to write about this day because it was a good one.

Easter is fun when you have a kid who still wants you to hide candy around the house. I also get to fill a basket with pretty springtime girly things. I like to make her holidays special. We… Read full post »

MARCH 23, 2013 2:54PM

I Wish I Was a Mystic

Giant piles of dirty snow every where you look in late March deepens my restlessness and despair.

This weekend I have to write a paper about a great christian mystic, a woman from the 1500s. Any guesses on who it is? And now I will summarize for you, my 7 blog… Read full post »

MARCH 16, 2013 6:26PM

Fantasy of Loving a Teen

Penny has come back to me.

Last week, she flew cross country to visit her bio family. Right now, she is laying down with her head on my lap, falling in and out of sleep. We are on the couch watching Lord of the Rings.

I dislike fantasy -  books, movies,… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 27, 2013 1:14PM

New Life Dreams at 45

My early-40s have been more transformative than I could have imagined.

I feel my self shifting all the time. The real me is becoming stronger. Self-consciousness is dissolving into self acceptance.

None of the scary, secret parts of myself seem so scary anymore.

Choosing love over comfort has become… Read full post »

M age 12 1/2 in 2008

One evening about 12 years ago, I took M out for a quick walk before going to the theater. There was a yellow light at the very busy intersection we needed to cross, and I decided to make a run for it. Sadly,

Read full post »
JANUARY 17, 2013 8:01PM

Powerful Women and Broken Girls

The cycle of life --a woman's life--is in my thoughts right now.

Girls at Penny's school are cutting themselves, leaving deep wounds. These girls have not been through the severe trauma that Penny has experienced, but they are lashing out against their own bodies, their own sanity, their own… Read full post »

JANUARY 17, 2013 6:53PM

Holiday Fun With Unstable 8th Grader

From December 19:

Since I'm having a hard time getting back into the habit of blogging, I'm just going to make a list of thoughts.

1)There is NO doubt in my mind that if there was a gun in my house I would have been killed by now. Please don't judge the… Read full post »

JANUARY 17, 2013 6:51PM

Surviving

Post I started December 9th:

Here's what it looks like out my window:

I'm feeling pretty good right now -the snow is so beautiful and the harsh weather reminds me how fortunate I am to have a cozy home, a full fridge, etc.

Penny has been holed up inRead full post »

OCTOBER 4, 2012 8:56PM

Tired

Today was our first day of autumn, weatherwise. Cool with power gusts of wind. Don't take the last of the leaves. I'm not ready to let them go.

My dog collapsed today. Upstairs. I called the neighbors and a woman who lives on the corner that I barely know came rushing over… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 10, 2012 12:09AM

I just want someone to bear witness....

bear witness to the absurdity of my walking down my street with a barely clothed teenager's arms wrapped around my waist. She is walking while bending, her top of her head somewhere below my bosom. It is hard for me to walk this way.

Meanwhile, I am holding onto the dog's… Read full post »