Aw, For Heaven's Sake...

Cam Battley

Cam Battley
Rural Ontario, Canada
April 04
Canadian owner of small businesses, small children and large dogs. Scuba diver, hard rock fan, business traveler, industrial-strength irritant.

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MARCH 24, 2009 1:05PM

Who Will Save Us? The Recession Dream Team!

Rate: 12 Flag

The news is just bad, bad, bad.  Markets down, unemployment up.  Ridiculous people doing ridiculous things with public money.  Politicians calling for executive suicide, preening for the cameras, rushing to the head of lynch mobs, and insulting Special Olympians.  You know what we need now?  We need some heroes.

During the Second World War, a time of existential national crisis, a hardy bunch of heroes stepped up to rally us – to help us rise to the challenge.  Think of the powerful Axis-fighting propaganda art of fictional characters such as Captain America, Bugs Bunny and Ronald Reagan.

America needs its best and brightest, once again, to lead in the hour of need.  I’m calling on President Obama to assemble a Recession Dream Team.  And I know just whom the President needs to call.  Or message on his Blackberry, whichever.

“Oh, just one more question, sir…”Columbo 

We need the facts, damn it.  How did we get here?  Who did what, and where are they hiding the money?  We’re never going to be able to fix what’s broken and avoid the same mistakes in the future, if we don’t drill down to the truth.  Lieutenant Columbo’s our man.  Those pikers in Congress don’t know how to interrogate suspect business, banking, automotive and government executives.  The politicos’ hair is perfect - I’ll give them that.  But give me the rumpled little guy with the independent eye and a dirty trenchcoat.  He’ll come in under the radar, gently and persistently harass the evildoers, and find out what’s what.

“I need a glue gun, a toaster and a copy of the U.S. Tax Code”MacGyver 

There’s no time for fancy solutions.  The clock is ticking.  We need to fix the credit system, Wall Street, manufacturing, health care and global warming… before June, when Congress goes on recess, with its juice boxes and apple slices.  When you’re under pressure, everything looks hopeless and you’re out of resources, there’s only one person who can help.  MacGyver will jury-rig something for us in 8 minutes, for less than the change that’s fallen behind your sofa cushions.

“One, two, three trillion dollars! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!”The Count 

Let me tell you something:  if there’s one thing America is short of, it’s people who can count.  The Count can count.  The Count would never have let his bank invest in “financial instruments” built on debt hawked to bewildered consumers who scored almost as poorly on high school math as I did.  The Count would never have deluded himself that he could actually carry a $500,000 mortgage on a $50,000 salary.  The Count would never have sold America piece-by-piece to creditors in China.  Plus, The Count has an awesome attitude – his laughter and love of accounting are really contagious!

“Where the future is being made today.”Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker 

Let’s face it, the present is horrible.  We need to get out of the present as soon as possible, and the only answer is to import the future.  And studies show that science is the future.  Some people say the children are our future, but I have kids and I don’t buy it.  My kids haven’t done a damn thing to fix the economy.  No, it’s science that will save us.  New innovations and inventions.  Carbon capture technology and fusion power.  Teleportation devices, germ enlargers and electric nose warmers.  Nobody takes more risks in the name of progress than Muppet Labs’ Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and his assistant Beaker.  Sure, some people might get hurt in the process, but Beaker still has some health benefits left.  And, mister, science isn’t for sissies.

“Terror must be maintained or the Empire is doomed. It is the logic of history.”

Evil Spock  

As Chairman of the Recession Dream Team, there’s no choice other than Evil Spock, from the evil parallel universe.  Nobody is scared of the U.S. government anymore, and that's bad.  Evil Spock is just as smart and logical as regular Spock, but he has the added advantage of being ruthless.  And that’s a critical ingredient we need in our leadership right now.  President Obama needs someone cold, calculating and callous scheming in the basement of the White House.  Someone who doesn’t need special tax legislation to get people at AIG to give back bonuses.  Someone who doesn’t have to send video messages to Ahmadinejad in Iran.  Someone who excels at 3-D chess, and has access to a machine that can make recalcitrant individuals disappear at the touch of a button.  Evil Spock is Cheney without that whole "being wrong about everything" stuff.  Evil Spock is the right humanoid at the right time.

There you have it, America – your Recession Dream Team.  It’s the sine qua non for recovery.  And it’s just a little bit sad that you had to wait for a Canadian to offer you this rather obvious solution. 

Cam Battley lives quietly in rural Ontario, Canada.

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America's fictional characters aren't pulling their weight. Except Jack Bauer. And Kiefer is Canadian.
Count Chocula! Spock! ::slapping forehead:: Of Course! The answer was right in front of us the whole time. As always, we just needed a Canadian to point it out ;) With posts like this, you are well on your way to Obama's inner Blackberry circle...

Welcome back! How was Aerosmith, er, whoever that was? I still don't buy the living quietly thing. Oh, and keep your eye on your fellow Canadians, especially JK Brady, who's been raising quite a ruckus and threatening invasion. It all ended well, sharing Nanaimo bar recipes. For now. We missed you!
Howdy, Donna. Nice to see you, too. But I'm going to have to correct you on the band. Aerosmith is good. AC/DC is... transcendent. The November concert was un-effing-believable!
Thanks for the humor. Peter Falk has a Masters Degree in Public Administration from Syracuse University, so this is not as farfetch as one might think.
This is Recession comedy at its best Cam. But I think we need Sam Tyler from the show Life on Mars--having time-travelled back to 1973, the year of the Arab oil embargo and the beginnings of Watergate, he could start fixing this mess, retroactively, from the historical ground up.
Libertarius, time travel... see, now that's innovative thinking. "Life on Mars" is a very good show, too. Hope it survives.

OE, point well taken. You don't f*** with Falk. Sharp guy.
Finally...a plan that makes sense! They should have consulted you long ago, Cam. How can you possibly go wrong with The Count on your team?
Think I could move to Canada? Is Canada allowing immigration? I'm serious......This country is increasingly too corrupt and too hypocritical for me. Obama is trying his damnedest and doing a lot of good, but the Republican-controlled media crucifies him and his team on a daily basis. It's too disgusting! And for anyone who thinks the media isn't controlled by Republicans, remember there was no examination of everything Bush did, no critiques of his performance, no critical voices whatsoever, no historical analysis of Nixon's and Reagan's roles in de-regulation.......and what's really amazing, don't Americans see that? The hypocrisy? The fact that Bush was treated one way by the media and Obama another?

I guess the real question is, do Americans have any guts whatsoever or are they going to continue putting up with corrupt Republicans and for how long? Personally, I adore Suze Orman's comments about Bush.....
Cam, there's no trick to being a humorist when you have a whole group of wacky former American television stars to get material. No one has a sense of humor like you. As you know, humor is also a way of saying something serious; which you proved here.

Great to see your post!
Lisa, The Count is key to making this plan work. Keeps an eye on the bottom line, but he's cheerful, too.

Soap Box Amy, Canada's easy to get into. Just ask nicely and say "please".
After the 2004 election-- that unbelievable disappointment!-- I was prompted to do something similar. I came up with a "shadow" government/cabinet. It was supposed to keep my spirits up, but unfortunately, the contrast between my creative & vastly superior cabinet with the one that GWB foisted upon us only made me more depressed. So... I had a few follow-up stories, e.g., Judith Martin (Sec. of State) had a non-response to some incident in Chile, but couldn't do more before the inauguration. Sort of like last fall...

What I'm leading up to is... I hope that you will have some follow-on stories with your "shadow" Recession Dream Team, and let us in on their behind-the-scenes communiques.
Cam and Lib--I regret to inform you that Life on Mars has been [sob] cancelled.

And Sam Tyler COULD have fixed this. I just know he could have.
George, you're right, American popular culture is a goldmine. And shame on me for loving it.

ktm, that's kind of a cool idea. What would the Dream Team say about events as they unfold?

Verbal, will you please quit it with the bad news? Lie to me, please.
Pleasure to rate this wonderful post. More bad news, however. Peter Falk has apparently gone ga ga, and I believe his greedy daughter is trying to be appointed his conservator (or is it conservatrix?).
GordonO, that's sad news about Falk. Thankfully, Columbo will never decline or die.
Very funny and original. Rated for funny.