The news is just bad, bad, bad.  Markets down, unemployment up.  Ridiculous people doing ridiculous things with public money.  Politicians calling for executive suicide, preening for the cameras, rushing to the head of lynch mobs, and insulting Special Olympians.  You know what we need now?  We need some heroes.

During the Second World War, a time of existential national crisis, a hardy bunch of heroes stepped up to rally us – to help us rise to the challenge.  Think of the powerful Axis-fighting propaganda art of fictional characters such as Captain America, Bugs Bunny and Ronald Reagan.

America needs its best and brightest, once again, to lead in the hour of need.  I’m calling on President Obama to assemble a Recession Dream Team.  And I know just whom the President needs to call.  Or message on his Blackberry, whichever.

 

We need the facts, damn it.  How did we get here?  Who did what, and where are they hiding the money?  We’re never going to be able to fix what’s broken and avoid the same mistakes in the future, if we don’t drill down to the truth.  Lieutenant Columbo’s our man.  Those pikers in Congress don’t know how to interrogate suspect business, banking, automotive and government executives.  The politicos’ hair is perfect - I’ll give them that.  But give me the rumpled little guy with the independent eye and a dirty trenchcoat.  He’ll come in under the radar, gently and persistently harass the evildoers, and find out what’s what.

There’s no time for fancy solutions.  The clock is ticking.  We need to fix the credit system, Wall Street, manufacturing, health care and global warming… before June, when Congress goes on recess, with its juice boxes and apple slices.  When you’re under pressure, everything looks hopeless and you’re out of resources, there’s only one person who can help.  MacGyver will jury-rig something for us in 8 minutes, for less than the change that’s fallen behind your sofa cushions.

Let me tell you something:  if there’s one thing America is short of, it’s people who can count.  The Count can count.  The Count would never have let his bank invest in “financial instruments” built on debt hawked to bewildered consumers who scored almost as poorly on high school math as I did.  The Count would never have deluded himself that he could actually carry a $500,000 mortgage on a $50,000 salary.  The Count would never have sold America piece-by-piece to creditors in China.  Plus, The Count has an awesome attitude – his laughter and love of accounting are really contagious!

Let’s face it, the present is horrible.  We need to get out of the present as soon as possible, and the only answer is to import the future.  And studies show that science is the future.  Some people say the children are our future, but I have kids and I don’t buy it.  My kids haven’t done a damn thing to fix the economy.  No, it’s science that will save us.  New innovations and inventions.  Carbon capture technology and fusion power.  Teleportation devices, germ enlargers and electric nose warmers.  Nobody takes more risks in the name of progress than Muppet Labs’ Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and his assistant Beaker.  Sure, some people might get hurt in the process, but Beaker still has some health benefits left.  And, mister, science isn’t for sissies.

As Chairman of the Recession Dream Team, there’s no choice other than Evil Spock, from the evil parallel universe.  Nobody is scared of the U.S. government anymore, and that's bad.  Evil Spock is just as smart and logical as regular Spock, but he has the added advantage of being ruthless.  And that’s a critical ingredient we need in our leadership right now.  President Obama needs someone cold, calculating and callous scheming in the basement of the White House.  Someone who doesn’t need special tax legislation to get people at AIG to give back bonuses.  Someone who doesn’t have to send video messages to Ahmadinejad in Iran.  Someone who excels at 3-D chess, and has access to a machine that can make recalcitrant individuals disappear at the touch of a button.  Evil Spock is Cheney without that whole "being wrong about everything" stuff.  Evil Spock is the right humanoid at the right time.

There you have it, America – your Recession Dream Team.  It’s the sine qua non for recovery.  And it’s just a little bit sad that you had to wait for a Canadian to offer you this rather obvious solution. 

Cam Battley lives quietly in rural Ontario, Canada.