I was watching a History Channel show while having lunch the other day about Neanderthal man. The big debate in archaeology is whether modern humans wiped them out or assimilated them. Based on our track record ever since, I would go with the wipe out theory.

Here’s another surprise, it seems that before we killed them off we had sex with them and babies, thus many western Europeans may have Neanderthal ancestors in their family tree.

Here are ten reasons why I think I may be one of them:

  . According to the show, Neanderthals did not add a single new tool to their kit in their two hundred thousand years of existence. A butter knife we got as a wedding present is my preferred implement for removing screws.

  . Given a modern haircut and modern clothes, they could blend right into any city in the United States. Hey, given a modern haircut and modern clothes, so could I!

  . They practiced ritual cannibalism. I always wondered why I drool at funerals.

  . They had heavy sloping brows, long powerful arms, and short legs. That’s why I can tie my shoes without bending down (thank you, Abe Lincoln).

 . They couldn’t spell Neanderthal. Neither can I, but I have spell checker.

  . They lived and traveled in very small family groups. Any wedding we go to, the other side outnumbers ours 3 to 1.

  . They ate no vegetables and had no agriculture. I’d rather chew raw mastodon gizzards than eat broccoli. Last year my upside down tomato growing gizmo produced one tomato the size of a gonad.

 . They had horrible manners, were dirty and brutish. My wife has been telling the kids for years they get their bad traits from my side of the family.

  . We think they had language, but we have not idea what they were talking about. That’s why my wise, fatherly pronouncements are greeted with blank stares.

  . They had no concept of math. What number are we on?

 . They could not adapt to the modern world. I rest my case!