Shaken, Not Stirred

Humorous Essays and Other Stuff

Gerald Andersen

Gerald Andersen
Califon, New Jersey, United States
January 06
"“When I have one martini, I feel bigger, wiser, taller. When I have a second, I feel superlative. When I have more, there's no holding me.” - William Faulkner "I grow old...I grow old. I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled." -T.S. Eliot


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APRIL 30, 2012 9:37AM

"Eat Me!" Takes Internet by Storm

Rate: 15 Flag



New York-The latest work from the master minimalist poet, Gerald Andersen, has been setting the world of internet poesy ablaze since it was posted on Open Salon twenty minutes ago.

Here is the controversial work in its entirety:

 “Eat Me!

 “I would call it the most important work of the last half hour,” the NY Times internet poetry critic gushes. “Only Andersen could assemble such a subtle combination of words, fraught with meaning and profound truth.”

"It's Lewis Carroll interpreted for modern readers," glows 

Reader’s note: Gerald Andersen is the OS “avatar’ for Gerald Anderson, who prefers to remain anonymous.

 However, feminist and vegan poets beg to differ on his latest offering.

 “You don’t have to look far to find the ‘meat’ in this so-called poem,” comments vegansandwitch, a frequent OS contributor, “This is the jungle cry of the carnivorous male, and nothing more,” she harumphs.

 Seemy Rore,  a renowned feminist internet poet and  leader of the Anti-Exclamatory movement, raises another point: “The use of the flagrantly phallic exclamation here is like waving the rigid digit of male dominance in the face of every female.” Ms. Rore, whose movement seeks to eliminate the exclamation point from polite discourse, is author of the book, “Men Exclaim, Women Explain.”

 As in any richly textured master work, meaning is often in the mind of the beholder.

 Seymour Putz, Professor of Religiosity at Santorum University, sees a profoundly religious piece: “It seems obvious to me that this is the cry of the savior figure offering his body for the salvation of sinners. I was deeply moved, as was Rick, I'm sure. In fact, he burst into tears when Andersen shouted this poem to him at one of our recent campaign stops.”

With the controversy swirling around his latest work, it seems like an hour ago that Andersen was the darling of the internet poesy universe with the posting of his now classic work:

  “Fuck This”

 “The pairing of ‘fuck’ with ‘this’ is like a breath of fresh air. It’s surprising no one has ever thought of it before,” the New York Times raved.

  Ima Schlepper, professor of literature at Phoenix University, mined a richer vein in this mother lode of profundity: “Read left to right this is a world weary plaint about one’s situation in life. Read right to left, it is a reference to a particular individual. I suspect a political reference here.” This wouldn’t be surprising since Andersen once used this sobriquet to introduce the Governor of New Jersey at a poetry society banquet..

 In those days, the feminist poets were all on his side. “The combining of the plosive, Anglo Saxon ‘fuck” with the soft sibilance of ‘this’ is the perfect yin-yang of the male/female relationship,” Rore gushed.

She also praised Andersen’s elimination of the period , a punctuation mark which she sees as an unseemly reference to the menstrual cycle.

  What Andersen thinks of this, is anyone's guess since he responds to interview requests by reciting one of his poems, either “Eat Me!”, or his epic work, “Go Shit in Your Hat.”

 Schlepper sums it up thusly: “Who knows what works of genius will emerge from the vast empty space of Andersen’s mind.”

 Who knows, indeed?


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The full horror of the poem was captured in a story by Lewis Carroll years ago. At that story the sexual implications were totally ignored.
I have always said that starting the day with poetry is the best. This was truly special though. I am going to be laughing about this all day today. Brings to mind that famous romantic haiku, Kiss My Ass by Anonymous.
Your mastery of the short form should serve as a guiding light to those who labor wearily in the wordiness of poems. R
but but... how can it be a poem? (insert sarcasm here) it doesn't even RHYME!
Deliciously cheeky - but obviously a blatent cry for Hits! R
I am suing you sir. I wrote that first! You will be hearing from my lawyer "Bulldog" in five minutes. I need your phone number.

Great fun sir - Duke


(Mundanity -did you know this word has two definitions and they totally contradict each other? Noun 1. mundanity - the quality or character of being intellectually sophisticated and worldly through cultivation or experience or disillusionment 2. mundanity - the quality of being commonplace and ordinary)
Your poem has been selected for publication in our 2012 anthology. There is no cost to you. However, if you would be interested in purchasing....
Santorum University has more poet laureats than anywhere. More poets per capita, too, than Pheonix University-- that is not in Pheonix.
Fine and funny Post, GA.
well, it WAS a moment that lived in Eternity...
this spare message..this invitation, most christlike, to eat of his
flesh...the fact that "eat me" is a curse word in a supposedly
christian nation is of much interest to me..ha...

the theological ramifications reverberate all over the internet.
I studied under Putz, by the way..

"Seymour Putz, Professor of Religiosity at Santorum University, sees a profoundly religious piece:
“It seems obvious to me that this is the cry of the savior figure offering his body
for the salvation of sinners.
I was deeply moved, as was Rick, I'm sure.
In fact, he burst into tears when Andersen s
houted this poem to him at one of our recent campaign stops.”

The fact that mighty poetic utterance has been stolen
by the devils of politics
is no surprise...

Putz gave me an 'a' for my interpretation of the Trinity
in terms of Cold War terminology.
I was quite stoned when i wrote it,
but i knew my duty.

Not to truth, but to Approval.
I simply do not get poetry.
I am incensed! "Eat me" and "Screw this" are entirely derivative of my own "Screw you" absent any clean internal rhyme!! "Go Shit in Your Hat" has too few words to be epic and not enough syncopation to be lyric. Haaarrrummmphhhh! - Right Honorable Reginald R. Douphois-Hiedelreich OBE, IBNT, XYZ'RT!!
To those who enjoyed my little satire, thanks.
@ Phylllis, better watch out I know big words too. Tho I have to admit "atavist" sent me scurrying to the dictionary. I think it describes me pretty well and I may put it on my business card.
@ Oryoki, nothing brightens up a comment page like a poem. Thanks for taking the time to write it. I may borrow it and use it elsewhere.
@jmac and Duke, if you wish to sue me, I should warn you I have retained Johnny Carson's old law firm: Dewey, Cheatem, & Howe.
I prefer the later version..."Fuck Me".