Shaken, Not Stirred

Humorous Essays and Other Stuff

Gerald Andersen

Gerald Andersen
Califon, New Jersey, United States
January 06
"“When I have one martini, I feel bigger, wiser, taller. When I have a second, I feel superlative. When I have more, there's no holding me.” - William Faulkner "I grow old...I grow old. I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled." -T.S. Eliot


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APRIL 23, 2012 10:41AM

An Ice Cube Rant

Rate: 10 Flag

As we get closed to putting our house on the market, my wife and I have begun discussing what we want in our next home.

This is despite the fact that we have not resolved, or even come to terms with, the issue of where we want to live. She subscribes to the being near the kids and grandkids strategy, which will place us in New England (Red Sox Nation. UGH!), while I subscribe to being someplace nice that they would want to visit…..on occasion.

Florida sounds pretty good to me.

She would like to have a home with a view, a screened-in porch, one level (or at least a bathroom on each level), and a comfortable place to watch TV.

So far, my only non-negotiable demand is I MUST have a refrigerator that makes ice cubes.

I am sick to death of filling ice cube trays and beating the crap out of the cheap plastic things just to get a lousy chunk of frozen water.

Every tray I examine has just two ice cubes remaining. It is as if the perpetrator of this outrage, and she knows who she is, decides that as long as there are two cubes left, she does not have to fill the tray. Consequently, every time I wish to put ice in my beverage I am limited to two cubes, unless I want to fill two ice cube trays. I must then walk all the way across the kitchen and refill the tray or trays slopping water along the way that I will step in later in my stocking feet.

I blame Kathie, my wife, for this because I know I have to fill at least one tray each and every time I have a drink. She of course blames me. I know I am right because I cannot recall ever having, personally witnessed her filling a tray. In fairness, I may be doing her an injustice. Maybe it’s like one of those math puzzles where you add, subtract and divide a series of numbers and always end up with your birthday. Maybe no matter how many ice cubes you take or make, there will always be two cubes remaining.

Now I am sure none of you can relate to this, because my children tell me we are the only people left in the world who do not have a fridge that makes ice. I, however, recall seeing a special on National Geographic about a tribe in the deepest jungles of Brazil that has to fill its ice cube trays from the Amazon River. It was noted as an example of the simple but difficult lives they lead.

I envy people who have icemakers, who can just push their glass against a lever and fill it to the brim with refreshing frozen water; or who can open the door to the freezer and SCOOP an endless supply of frosty nuggets.

My sister-in-law and brother-in-law have a machine that just makes ice..that’s all it does!

They have a scoop that’s as big as a boat bailer and can cool down a drink or a swimming pool in a flash.

They say it’s great for entertaining. When we entertain we have to go to the supermarket and buy a bag of ice cubes which, when put in the freezer, promptly turns into a solid frozen mass that we have to loosen by dropping on the kitchen floor. It’s very entertaining for our guests. I guess I could get an ice pick. I don’t know if they still make these but suppose they do since I saw one on the Sopranos.

Why don’t we get a new fridge? Well, I am told that the machine, plus the cost of getting water pipes to where it resides, would cost more than a new BMW.

Excuse me. I have to go fill the ice cube trays.

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I'm just glad you're not demanding granite counter tops and stainless steel appliances. An ice cube maker sounds perfectly reasonable. I wish I had one. In Florida, not New England.
Funny post as usual. And you aren't the only ones left without an ice cube machine. We join you so there are 4 of us now. Why is it that nobody wants to fill the damn trays? You'd think it was brain surgery./r
Although I have to admit it has been decades ago, I do remember this particular battle going on in my home. I could never have turned those skirmishes into a post as funny as this though. You crack me up.

Florida sounds great, I´d go for that and the ice cube maker, bringing the hydrangea along.
Very funny, but really? For the price of BMW, you can get an army of icemaking refridgerators. R
Get the BMW, the 1 Bathroom House & xnay on the Ice Pick - she might've seen The Sopranos! R
oh i relate. i am a middle class outcast, born in luxury,
now exploring poverty & goddamn ice cube trays.
bought some that only crack apart.
got sturdy ones now.
need more.
like, 50 of them.

i remember my childhood ice cubes.
they looked like teeth.
with double roots.
god i miss em.
Cheer up, Gerald, I have to fill up the ice cube trays, too. And I'm always mystified as to how they get so small when they're old.

But I have to make my own frozen water by the same archaic means.

Oh, and I'd want that comfy place to watch TV too.

Just wait until the day the ice maker breaks. Your new house will either flood. . or. . . you will wonder whether global warming has something to do with the decreasing availability of ice from your machine.

You will look in the freezer and wonder if you can fix it. After determining that answer you will likely question whether the repair bill or a new ice maker is less expensive.

In the end, those ice cube trays may be more reliable and less expensive. Moreover, they may provide an opportunity to perform more acts of charity for your beloved.
. . . . just sayin' . . . .