Shaken, Not Stirred

Humorous Essays and Other Stuff

Gerald Andersen

Gerald Andersen
Califon, New Jersey, United States
January 06
"“When I have one martini, I feel bigger, wiser, taller. When I have a second, I feel superlative. When I have more, there's no holding me.” - William Faulkner "I grow old...I grow old. I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled." -T.S. Eliot


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JANUARY 2, 2012 2:01PM

An Irritable Old Man Gets a Christmas Card

Rate: 9 Flag

Who the hell are these people, anyway?

 The Christmas card from the Rourkes is addressed to us and appeared in our mailbox last week.  The photo shows four human males and one female all smiling. At the center of the composition is a table bearing two dogs. Since their genitals are prominently displayed, it is apparent they are both males.

 Who shows one dog ding-dong on their Christmas card, never mind two?

Who the hell are these people? 

 With the exception of the dogs, they are all wearing black polo shirts and tan trousers. They look more like the police academy graduating class than a festive family.

 Unknown guy senior looks like he could be a cop.  Maybe he is the Gestapo bastard who ticketed in me in High Bridge rubbing it in. Or maybe it is his idea of “community policing” to send a Christmas card to some poor slob he just nailed.

 Surely they are Republicans and mistake us for their cronies because they wished us “prosperity” in the coming year, clearly a coded reference to their plan to plunder our Social Security and Medicare.

 Despite their smiles, the three teenage males look like bullies. I’ll bet they put their black shirts on when they go to New York to boot stomp some poor Occupy Wall Street dude.

 The one dog definitely is part pit bull and probably bitch humps on the other one who is one of those repulsive Pug things.

 Almost invisible in the left hand corner sits a mousey female with a cheesy grin. Although judging from her demeanor she might be an abused servant, she is probably the mother of the thugs and wife of the sadistic policeman.

 Kathie does not recognize these people and no one we know knows who they are.

 “I wonder where they think they know us from?, Kathie asks.

  “Either gun club or prayer group, I would guess,” I respond.

 I have to admit, I am somewhat peeved by the fact that this card came in well after Christmas.

 “Should we send them a New Year’s card?,” she asks.  This is her fix for dealing with people we have dropped from our Christmas card list because we didn’t get one from them last year only to receive one from them this year. Of course, they will drop us next year while we will re-instate them….and so it goes.

  “Although they think they know us,” I reply, “They don’t think enough of us to send our card in a timely manner, so screw them.”

  Who the hell do these people think they are anyway?




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Very humorous and possible. I received a thank you card by e-mail from someone on Open Salon, but I cannot identify whom, because the e-mail name is unknown to me and it is different from the OS name.

Dog Genitals get me every time! Ha ha Wonder which guy is pick of the litter? Oh yes, welcome back & a Happy one! R
@Fuauna: Not just possible, true....right down to the dog genitals.
@Marilyn: Yeah, dog genitals are special. It's great to be back. Paroled just in time for Christmas!
I am so glad to see you back. This was hilarious as you usually are. -R-
Witty, Gerald: I like your put-upon tone and this is very clever: "Either gun club or prayer group." Someone more cynical than I would likely question the difference. Now, I have to tell you, I'm jealous. I received only three Christmas cards, two from insurance agents and one from my financial guy. Small town southern Iowa public relations, I guess.
Prison guards!!!!

They're reminding you that you'll face them and their dogs if you so much as breathe opposition to an America that now has a Patriots Act and the NDAA as living proof that the constitution is now defunct!!

"Resistance is futile." You WILL be assimilated..... or eaten, as the case may be.
You have a whole year to plot revenge. Borrow dogs with even bigger gentials than their dogs have, wear black pants with black tops, and gently blur your faces. Of course, you cannot use your real names or give your address. (Give the police station's address). The cost to make up such a card will probably be astronomical but what the heck! Happy New year.
I don't get the dog thing...or the pet thing in general. Ok, maybe you have your little ball of fur at your feet. But really, on a table in the middle of the picture?

And the nerve of strangers mistakenly sending you their card late. Total BS.