Shaken, Not Stirred
Humorous Essays & Other Stuff
Gerald Andersen
- Location
- Califon, New Jersey, United States
- Birthday
- January 06
- Bio
- Extra dry with four olives.
MY RECENT POSTS
- The Bad Poetry Corner
June 17, 2013 01:02PM - Delivering Sloan
June 13, 2013 04:57PM - Republicans and Duckie Ding
Dongs
June 10, 2013 12:29PM - Mountain Lions in New Jersey?
May 26, 2013 11:19AM - Portrait of My Mother as a
Young Woman
May 28, 2013 04:15PM
MY RECENT COMMENTS
- “The poor little guy. It
is amazing what we don't know
about
our neighbors and
how…”
9:51PM - “You must have kept a
copious diary, otherwise I
don't know
how you can
remember…”
9:33PM - “I don't know who this
Garold Amdersun is but I
suspect he is
the Norwegian
explo…”
6:42PM - “Opening up is not my
forte. I think a lot of guys
have this
issue, but this is
be…”
5:13PM - “My rule of thumb was no
eye contact with the crazies,
and
never, ever engage
them…”
3:23PM
Gerald Andersen's Links
- MY LINKS
- $4.95/mo Web Hosting
JUNE 17, 2013 2:10PM
The Bad Poetry Corner
Where have all the bad poets gone?
There are poets aplenty here at Open Salon, but unfortunately
they are all good ones.
But fear not, I am still prowling the premises, the man once
called the Percy Dovetonsils of his generation, the doge of
doggerel.… Read full post »
JUNE 14, 2013 7:34AM
Delivering Sloan
Weekend
Fiction
Prompt: Write a story involving the worst job
ever
As he rounded the apex of the horseshoe shaped driveway, he
studied the huge single story brick and glass house in front of
him.
"Pretentiously understated, naturally," he said.
He grabbed the heavy plastic body bag… Read full post »
JUNE 10, 2013 1:04PM
Republicans and Duckie Ding Dongs
Thanks to the GOP I have learned more about bird penises, and
lack thereof, than even I, a birder, ever dreamed I would
know.
The information blitz started a few months ago when the
conservatives started a flap by citing a federally subsidized study
of duck penises as… Read full post »
JUNE 5, 2013 5:12PM
Mountain Lions in New Jersey?
A few weeks ago, I sat next to a man at the Califon Fireman's Breakfast who claimed to have seen a mountain lion in the area.
The man is a retired airline pilot, so would qualify as a credible observer. He said that he had seen the big cat crossing… Read full post »
MAY 28, 2013 5:03PM
Portrait of My Mother as a Young Woman
My brother-in-law handed me a wallet that he or my sister had
found among my mother's possessions.
The wallet contained a curious mixture of things that seemed
to have significance to her. There were two of her driver's
licenses: her first that she got in… Read full post »
MAY 23, 2013 9:13PM
Amazin Arizona
Just back from a ten day trip to Arizona.
We spent five days visiting our son and his family who are temporarily residing in Tucson and then rented a car and drove to the Grand Canyon.
We loved the state especially the enormous diversity of landscape, ecosystems, and cultures. Not… Read full post »
MAY 13, 2013 3:50PM
Walking New York: I Didn't Get Run Over
It is five years this month since I retired and stopped commuting to New York.
How would I sum up my years in NYC? I didn’t get rich, but I didn’t get run over.
I say that with considerable pride, because it is very easy to get run over in… Read full post »
MAY 9, 2013 8:16PM
Amanda and Her Diving Bears
My carving, "Amanda and Her Diving Bears," has just been accepted in the 19th Annual Artsbridge Juried Open Art Show at the New Hope Arts Center in New Hope, PA.
The show runs from June 8-21.
After three tries, I finally got a piece into this show. Not one of… Read full post »
MAY 6, 2013 1:44PM
A Visit to our Newest National Park
First a quiz:
The newest American National Park is in..
a. Alaska
b. Montana
c. Joe Biden's bald spot
d. None of the above
The second largest waterfall east of the Mississippi by volume
of water is in..
a. Alaska
b. Montana
c. Gov. Chris Christie's shower… Read full post »
APRIL 26, 2013 7:31AM
Huntin Bigfoot, Part 3: The Legend of Ray
Ray was
off his game after his so-called encounter with the giant monkey.
He just went all silent as we hiked along the edge of the stream.
He didn't even cuss Flea like he always does.
It was
a big relief for me to be spared his idiotic questions
and… Read full post »
APRIL 24, 2013 8:30PM
Huntin Bigfoot, Part 2
I parked my truck in the back of the C lot at the State Park.
This is the one deepest in the woods, and I had to navigate several
miles of abandoned logging roads to get there. Hiking trails looped
through for a few miles before petering out in 3,000 acres… Read full post »
APRIL 22, 2013 6:20PM
Huntin Bigfoot
We was sittin in my best friend Ray's trailer watching a show
about Bigfoot, that giant hairy go-riller that's been stompin
around in the north woods.
They was presentin eveedence to a bunch of scientist fellers,
and they was gonna decide if it was real or a pigment of
people's… Read full post »
APRIL 14, 2013 8:09PM
Death of a Fisherman
going fishing trout for supper
take something out just in case
he died in the budding time
beneath vaulted trees
overhanging
heron coldly watching
in water swiftly flowing
shallow but deep enough to
serve
his wading boots
protruding
beneath the old sluice
new grist for natur… Read full post »
APRIL 10, 2013 7:50PM
We Are Not Alone
Things are starting to come to life here in Califon these
first warm days of April.
The juncos have left, and the robins have returned; the frogs
are chirping and the volume of bird chatter has picked up
dramatically. The chipmunks have emerged from hibernation; and soon
bears and… Read full post »
APRIL 8, 2013 11:52AM
A Boston Adventure: Castaway at the MFA
Our daughter insists she is not letting us out of the house by
ourselves alone anymore.
She and her husband live in Boston, and whenever we visit we
have a senior adventure.
Either we take our car and disappear into the labyrinth of
tunnels that lie beneath the city… Read full post »
MARCH 28, 2013 11:53AM
Holy Hell on Holy Saturday
Weekend
Fiction
Prompt: write a story about a comeback
He adjusted his knee pads, shin guards and shoulder pads. He
donned his helmet and strapped it in place. He slipped on his
padded gloves and clutched the small iron bar hidden inside that
his dad had given him… Read full post »
MARCH 22, 2013 9:12AM
The Face at the Window
Weekend Fiction
Prompt: write a flash fiction story (500 words or
less)
Her kitchen was her sanctuary and her happy place.
She rarely went into the rest of the house except to sleep and
keep things up. The kitchen,which was tucked in an ell at the… Read full post »
MARCH 14, 2013 10:26AM
An Opposing View: Men Do Use Sex Toys
Every day we readers of OS who cast our eyes leftward while
reading the home page are reminded that men don't use sex
toys.
In my long manly career, in fact, I have found these to be
very useful devices.
I find that a nice plump dildo… Read full post »
MARCH 11, 2013 8:07PM
Down at the Nellie
I got thrown out of the house today.
With the place on the market for nearly six months, this is not an uncommon occurrence. The realtors who want to show, and our own agents, prefer that we not be there. This happens several times a week now.
We put… Read full post »
MARCH 6, 2013 3:56PM
The Ill-Suited Shopper
She wore a smile as she wiggled her finger through the hole in
my pants.
“You need a new suit for the wedding,” my wife,
Kathie, said. “The moths have gotten this one.”
“Good grief! How could such a thing happen? I sent it to
the cleaners,”… Read full post »
FEBRUARY 28, 2013 3:02PM
In Dog We Trust
Weekend
Fiction
Prompt: Trouble with a
talking pet
"In Dog We Trust" by Gerald
Andersen
pine and acrylic
paint
I am so proud of you, my darlings.
You are now about to go out into the world as a new litter of
puppies... canis… Read full post »
FEBRUARY 25, 2013 9:15AM
How to Safely Operate a Coffee Cup
We were in Boston this past week house sitting for our
daughter and her husband while they were vacationing in
London.
Knowing I am a total Starbucks freak, they presented me with a
travel mug from one of the London stores upon their return.
When I unscrewed… Read full post »
FEBRUARY 12, 2013 3:26PM
Preposition Prol IF erati ON and a Brief History of English
I recently read in a Smithsonian newletter article titled
"Most of What You Think You Know About English is Wrong," that it
is okay to end a sentence with a preposition.
Excuse me? Now you are telling me this? Although I was an
English major in college, I was never… Read full post »
FEBRUARY 7, 2013 9:29PM
It's Your Friends at the NRA Calling
Weekend
Fiction
Prompt: Write a story in the form of a voicemail
message.
Good morning, Mr. Gunnerson, this is Chuck Dwijiak,
under-secretary to the under-secretary, of the National Rifle
Association.
We have no idea if you are a gun enthusiast, nor should we,
as
… Read full post »
FEBRUARY 4, 2013 1:43PM
Coming Soon: New, Realer Reality Shows
Memo:
To: Promotion and Publicity Department
From: Ima Phaque, Director of Programming
Feb 3, 2013
Guys,
I know we are a little late getting into the whole reality
programming trend. It's only been 13 years since Survivor hit the
airwaves, ha, ha.
Still,… Read full post »
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