Here's a cheery reminder from a Globe and Mail story -- Canada's national daily -- that women are screwed financially in old age if they devote their midlife time and resources, as many now do, to caregiving.
I've spent much of my workdays, (which is my only source of income as a freelancer), on the phone and email so far this week dealing with social workers, nurses and lawyers to discuss what happens next to my mother (divorced, few friends) who lives a six-hour flight away in Canada and who is now in the hospital.
It remains to be determined whether she will be able to return to living alone in her home.
As her only child, I can't turn to anyone but my partner for help. We're lucky she gets as much free government-supplied help and health care as she already does.
Another friend my age, a woman who is also a writer, devotes many hours every week cooking and caring for her in-laws. Her two sons, looking for work, are back at home.
We're both very fortunate in having husbands and partners who earn a decent wage and, while our labor is necessary to the family income, it is not the primary or exclusive one.
(This lowered family income does not come without conflict. I could certainly earn more and spend less if I ignored my mother's complicated needs.)
Every hour and dollar spent, lovingly or not, devoted to the care and needs of others is wage-earning (or re-charging) time lost to oneself or one's other current and future financial needs.
The less money women earn (and we out-live men, statistically which means we need to earn, save and invest even more than men while typically working fewer years and earning less), the poorer our old age will be.
Caregiving often means financial disaster for the person giving it. To whom does your duty lie?
What if your parent(s) were neglectful or abusive? Made lousy choices financially and with their health, and now, as a result of those choices, need (your) help to survive?
Too many of us are struggling in a terrible economy, with little or no leeway for our own needs, now and in the future.
What's the answer?
Turn your back on your aging parents and/or your needy adult children?
Just say no?
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Stephanie Phoenix
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greenheron
Leeandra Nolting
Little Forrest in the Big City
Marianne Spellman
Salon.com
Comments
Rescuing my mother seven years ago after a brain tumor was discovered (safely removed) cost us $4,000 in last-minute travel costs. That's a fortune in our household.
What most galls me and what I think you may be getting at is that my sister, as the single childless and youngest daughter (I had just become a widow but I was saddled with my own paperwork) was EXPECTED to come down and take care of them. My older brother was never considered; they felt "lucky" if he eve got down to see them--which he did once. My girlfriend, who was a widow with three kids when her parents got sick, was also expected to do the caregiving--not her brother.
rated with love
I have been told I am lucky in being the "only" child as I do not have to face lazy siblings or fight over how to handle things. I'd rather have some help; my partner resents my lost attention, time, money.
Rated with sympathy.
And it's a simple fix if you have living space to accommodate your relative(s), which many of us do not, let alone the legal BS of trying to change countries from one with health care to one that would bankrupt us.
I feel no regret for turning my back on my aging parents, the abusive bigots deserved it. May their conservative judgemental queerphobic selves suffer in old age and die an extremely painful agnozing death. They may be blood related, but they are in no way my family and I feel in no way obligated to them any more, in fact I cannot see them as anything else other than abusers. I am not going to risk my own financial health for the sake of their well being when they have proven to me they could care less about mine.
My duty lies to myself, not those who rejected who I am, abused me throughout childhood, and made my life as misreable as possible as an adult.
Are there alternatives? Sure. But are they pleasant?
Part of having a society is that we care for eachother. It might even be how we are wired - what separates us from the apes.
The fact is, we do care for our old and are eventually taken care of by someone (or we die alone).
I have a friend who has given up a career to caretake first her father, and now her mother. Her parents understand what she has sacrificed, and are leaving almost everything to her, so that she won't be destitute when she is old. As a consequence, her sister, who has contributed very little except "helpful" advice, is barely speaking to her.
Finally, it's my understanding that women who stay home to raise children receive no Social Security credits while out of the official workforce. There is plenty to think about from your post.
As for the money, I don't think there's much most of us can do but make the sacrifice if we can't rearrange our careers. Abandoning one's parents isn't really the right thing to do in many circumstances. Sometimes — often — it sucks, but I also have trouble with the idea that we have a right to live comfortably at the expense of others close to us.
I am getting totally conflicting advice from all sides, which is complicating matters for me: my Dad (divorced from her 40+ yrs ago, remarried, widowed) says "you owe her nothing"; her social worker (!) tells me to work on my relationship with her (excuse me? with an alcoholic?); her own doctor told me to attend Al-Anon (somewhat helpful but not with $$$ or practical details or decision-making.)
I haven't lived with my mother since I was 14; she was bi-polar and it was too stressful;now she is alcoholic...I am deeply sympathetic to illness (she has survived several cancers) but not at all to irresponsible choices left for others to clean up.
But, unless someone was utterly abusive -- as some are -- how do you turn your back? We're not wealthy, as most people are not who must cope with this. I see too many single women, self-employed, draining their slim funds to care for distant, ill parents -- they have no back-up!
Now you know how nice guys have always felt!
And then her own elderly mother (or father or parents) need her.......
julia....you're a saint. I know if it were me, I'd be on the phone to some of these family members and make clear that your new role is NOT to be their mother's slave (even if you like her a lot). I don't envy you such a heavy burden, unshared and unappreciated.
Women end up on a thankless and terrifying hamster wheel: earn less, have little to no negotiating power; marry and have kids, have less time, money and energy to find a way into (much) better-paid work. Hope to hell that your husband doesn't bail because, if he does, good luck getting alimony or child support.
Women need to make as much money as possible, save as much as possible, go into marriage with their own assets, bank accounts, credit history and excellent FICO score and, if they come to a marriage with assets, a pre-nup.
I think many women remain woefully ignorant of how bad things get for most of us and hope, somehow, they just won't. My favorite book, ever, is "Women Don't Ask" a business book by Laschever and someone that examines the many reasons women, routinely, refuse to negotiate well or effectively for higher wages and salaries, raises and promotions.
Women are -- unlike most N. American men (bless you for your kind-hearted generosity) -- very heavily socialized and rewarded emotionally (or shunned as nasty selfish wretches) for rushing to care for everyone. But themselves. So women, wanting to be "nice" do so and blow their limited funds and -- whoops! -- end up (again statistics) in much more likely chances of a very poor and scary old age than men who 1) earned more 2) saved more 3) have higher SS payments 4) turned their backs very easily to the pleas of the needy relatives who asked for help.
I know too many women (and very few men) who wrecked their careers and bank accounts running to the rescue of their aging parents and/or their adult children
The ones who had to work because the guys had trouble earning were the most unhappy, and the ones who kept pushing no matter what to compete were the worst mothers and usually their marriages ended. Why be married to a man in a dress?
If there are issues of pathology involved, like addiction or other forms of mental illness, it is another matter, and needs to be looked at from a broader perspective. The children of such marriages can present a challenge because of the likelyhood they will "dump" their views on the unsuspecting and try to unduly influence the needs of the society at large. A culture that no longer supports the family will degenerate.
You get what you project, and the greatest victories are often won by those who you least suspect--and rarely fall prey to ideology and that includes feminism. Did you read Friedan's last book? Few did but she became convinced the movement went too far and the losers were all those children with all those divorced parents battling to the death who refused to grow-up.
The women who opted for careers only as they approach retirement alone are the saddest in my view and were probably the most vulnerable to begin with. You don't get to do it again with the same consciousness.
Women who face retirement alone, if they have good health, many close friends, interests and money are just fine -- certainly compared to those stuck in lonely, dead marriages. A woman alone is no worse off than a woman in a horrible relationship who just looks like she is with someone, but is too scared or broke to leave.
But better than nothing.
The emotional dilemmas stem from whatever your family matrix has been -- for some people, the chance to give back and nurture their aging/ill parents is a great gift and one they treasure while for others it is something much more complicated. There are all sorts of things I don't discuss in public but which inform how I think and behave, as there are for many of us. Blogs which contain personal stories contain some of the truth but, for many of us, not every single relevant detail.
Thanks for sharing this Caitlyn, this has made me feel better. :)