Sunday I got hungry. I was all showered and dressed and it was 12:15. I decided I would drive to Ventura to poke around and discover a restaurant I hadn't eaten in before. It felt like a good time to call my friend Brett and be spontaneous...asking him to join me. I called his number only to hear he was already out with friends at a brunch, but that wasn’t going to deter me. I have no problem going out to eat alone fortunately.
By then I was driving past our local little auction house...”AUCTION TODAY” the sign beckoned to me. Huh...didn’t know today was an auction. So I did a quick bit of thinking. Hey, they have a really good and inexpensive catering company so I could get something to eat and amuse myself. I make a quick U-turn and immediately I was hunting for a parking space. This is how I ended up eating a pulled turkey sandwich and buying a strand of South Sea Pearls...inexpensively.
Today I went shopping for a dress to wear the strand of pearls with. Sounds easy enough, but as I discovered, it opened a whole bunch of doors I hadn’t even realized I closed.
It is the holiday season, Thanksgiving is just a few days away and I’m feeling like a pie in the bakery of life. I’m being sliced up and pieces are expected to grace several plates. Everyone wants a piece of me, and I am but one mere person. And I might have my own idea of how I would like to spend my Thanksgiving this year.
Yes, it is the first Thanksgiving without Lance. But it also is MY FIRST THANKSGIVING WITHOUT LANCE. It means something different to each person, including me.
I used to cook and everyone would come to my house, I have the photos to prove how wonderful it was. The past couple of years my brother-in-law took over, because for me it wasn’t the same once my mother died. Oh I did cook a couple of times, but it took on epic proportions. The new stepmom, the extended families of the children (not mine though) and it became a very sad day, a reminder that my own son was a) in rehab somewhere, b) out getting high, or c) was away physically because he was spending it with his “other” family.
The thing is, it is just another day. A really jam packed, not so fun day. I don’t need a day decreed to be thankful, I get the other 364...but on Thanksgiving, I’m not particularly thankful to be reminded of what I don’t have. It is my day of negativity. I think I am entitled to one...but no, because I am "the strong one", never mind how I might be feeling about this day ...nobody asks me. They basically tell me how the day is going to be, what time to be where...blah-blah.
Anyway, I don’t know if I’ll be joining the family or if I will just get in my car and head in the opposite direction as fast as I can.
Okay...I’m over being delusional, I’ll be going to some restaurant with both families and I will like it, crappy turkey dinner and all.
I’m on the countdown until I do get get to go on vacation, where I’ll have a month to be out of touch with all the demands that are made on me. I just need time to breath, time to not have to deal with other people and their problems. Maybe I can breathe in some salt air and begin to clear my head. I need a battery recharge, it's been some strange months.
This pretty much brings me back to where I shopping for a dress to wear on the cruise with those amazing pearls I bought yesterday at the auction. I found this adorable strapless black dress which was simple and a perfect style to let the pearls be the star. I tried it on.
It had a large, exposed metal zipper down the back as a featured design (usually back zippers are challenging when single and a good way to weed through dresses I want to buy), but the material was stretchy, meaning I could put it on backwards to zip it up and then turn it around on my body. That’s a necessity when you no longer have anyone to zip you up. No one to fasten the clasp my necklace for me at the base of my neck, or to close my bracelet as it encircles my wrist.
I have wasted a half an hour more than once lately, in extreme frustration trying to get a bracelet fastened, or trying to zip a dress up the back, as far as I could reach, with had nobody to ask to finish zipping it up for me. It’s these odd little things which are now making an appearance in my “single life”.
This is also how I got the blood blister on my stomach, zipping up the black dress and catching my stomach in the unforgiving metal teeth. Well, bite me... I am not taking you home!
I ended up buying a Kelly green dress with no zippers. Emeralds anyone?
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And yes, putting on bracelets is one of the most vexing things about single life. I switched to bangles.
'Sokay to feel wretched every once in a while, ya know. Just means you're human. And probably also that you're all right: It'd be worse if you felt nothing.
Love and warmth and everything good to you, dearest...
Happy Thanksgiving how ever you spend it. I SO love the pearls!
it's the third since my wife passed. the first i spent with my best friend and his family in LA and the last two i spent by myself writing. that's my jewelry and dresses.
my daughter finally got the message. i have no interest in the hoopla any more and is coming in to see me. we'll shop together tomorrow after she gets off the plane. i'll cook. then we'll see some modern dance and do a museum just like the old days. beauty is my only out. no, it will never be the same. it is all about survival.
Years later, when the kids are not with me, my partner and I have kept this 'tradition'. We rather like it.
Hope you keep your head up until vacation makes it around!
Great cartoons, (sorry about the blister) lovely pearls and you look lovely in green dah link.
I understand why this vacation is so needed, so just take care and get yourself tip top ready to enjoy it. Let others fend for themselves for a change. Love you.
Keep your eye on that time to yourself, alone, no demands. Sounds delicious as pumpkin pie.
Yes, many times other people and their problems do tend to suffocate us sometimes don't they. My simple wish for you is that you are able to find some peace of spirit on Thanksgiving day. You could always fly out to visit me and share my peanut butter and jelly sammich I plan on having while I wait for Mel's return. Congrats on the EP.
You are continuously in my thoughts. This Thanksgiving, when my family recites what they are thankful for, I will mention you.
rated
R
Ah, you mean thanksgiving DINNER, right? The holiday is still a go, isn't it? ;-D
Seriously, you should spend the holidays as you see fit. I think you know what it is you need better than anyone else.
I can still feel the breeze that rustles through the trees
And misty memories do days gone by
We could never see tomorrow, no-one said a word about the sorrow.
I hope your time away is full of pleasantries and warm breezes and pristine beaches. So, where ya going to?
Rated. 'Cause Sheila rocks.
Wishing you the best.
Holidays can be the most painful days of all...it doesn't seem possible that everyone else is "festive" and going about their celebrations. Don't they feel the depth of what has been lost?...don't they sense the magnitude and grieve the one who is no longer present?
Wear elegantly, the soft patina of your new pearls...they will softly glow from within...as do you, My Dear.
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And, if you want to get away from it all: come to Buenos Aires! You will love it and maybe you will even get the dress you need.
A good Thanksgiving day for you, dear Sheila (we don´t celebrate it here so I don´t know if this wish is well expressed)
Kisses,
Marcela
Well done,
Happy Thanksgiving, Sheila.
Rated.
And I have no problem eating alone either - just gotta have a view and/or something to read.
You do what you damn well please.
R~
Around 4 PM, I get up long enough to roast a Cornish hen, and then I either go for a walk or back to bed. Works like a charm.
Best wishes for your holiday and hope your blister heals up soon.
I totally visualized you at that gathering...holding yourself together somehow...glancing at the clock...maintaining that forced smile...
I really understand your ebbing enthusiasm for this holiday.
Marvelous writing here.
I can commiserate with you on the zipper blisters. Have had a few of those myself, but the problem is, where I get them, the zipper snags to a stop and I then must force myself to endear the pain of reversing the snagged device. That’s not only damned painful, but embarrassing when the wife wonders how such marks, in such conspicuous places got there.
I’m sure you’ll encounter many more moments of enlightenment, but I have faith in you my favorite OS lady. You may get a few more bruises over the next few months, but I know you’ll push on and seek life. And, you know Lance would want you to do just that.
I don’t know, but I think Lawry’s for Christmas dinner with a guy might just be the thing to plan. They have great Christmas fare and usually incredible Christmas carolers with absolutely gorgeous voices who sing while you eat, walking around taking requests.
That’s where I’m taking my wife and daughter this year. The carolers alone are worth the effort.
Capriotis makes thanksgiving sandwiches I hear are good. They're called the "Bobby" and have turkey, stuffing and cranberry sauce on them. My daughter likes them, but I've not tried them myself. I usually settle for an eggplant parmesan sandwich myself. Might be an easy way to eat a Thanksgiving dinner, snuggle up to a bottle of wine and a movie for some peace and relaxation.
Happy holidays to you, whatever your do. I'm glad to see you doing so well.
I think of you often and am glad to know of the cruise and the long vacation. That sounds just right.
xo
hope the holiday is ok
Kelly green is divine and the pearls are delicious!
Nice observations throughout the piece and a (gently) painful reminder to me that being single can suck. You seem to coping well with it though =)
I'm still on the fence about Thanksgiving--I almost wish I had to work...
Whayever you do Buffy, have an "enjoyable" day.
xoxoxo,
I have a feeling it will be pretty extraordinary. Complain to me next Thanksgiving if I am wrong.
Is that wrong?
Is that wrong?
I know that the coming months will bring varied emotions and I know you recognize the amazing support system you have in us. We've all come to love you and so whatever feelings you choose to share, or not, it's OK. I can't imagine trying to write them down...so for this, I admire you.
I wish you a Thanksgiving. Whichever way it turns out.
Early this morning, I awakened to a sloppy lick on my left eye from Pucci, telling me, "WE need to go out!" So I put on my trench over my pj's, grabbed some slippers and took him out the front door, just in time! Walking down the steet in the rain in my (now wet) fluffy slippers, it came to me: "Geez. It's Thanksgiving!"
Between sad thoughts like (1) I won't hear from either of my kids today and (2) how can I go to my d-i-l's house later with so many screaming and noisy kids I do not know -- and pretend that I enjoy being there, eating fattening food and wishing I was home in bed with a good book -- it suddenly dawned on me: I can sign on to Open Salon and wish all my dear OS friends and buddies a happy day, and remind us all how lucky we are that we have each other, and THAT's WONDERFUL!
So, Sheila, my friend, I'm thinking of you, and how your wonderful writing has buoyed me in the past. I send you hugs and good wishes, and Pucci sends you one of his best puppy licks to celebrate the day.