I am not going to put on my victim coat, it’s way too heavy for the heat.  How’s that for an entrance line?

The trouble with going away on hiatus is that you feel like when you come back people expect some brilliant musings.  I don’t honestly know if I have any, but I sure have learned more about loads of things, mostly honesty.

I learned, what I believed is honesty, might not be.  I learned dealing in honesty is tiptoing through a very big field of eggshells.  I learned not everyone wants honesty.  I learned no matter how lightly you step either your heart gets broken or you break some.  It is the nature of honesty...and dishonesty.  I also learned there is no way to avoid hurt.  You can lessen it somewhat, but you can’t avoid it.  Don't bother wasting your time trying to.  Deal with it.

You have to experience whatever is thrown your way.  And if I say some of it is more unbelievable than any fiction I could have conceived of, then you have to know; this stuff I was tossed was so far out of left field I'm still air-clown bouncing back up and it has been two weeks.

Bear with me.  When I asked the question, "When is it acceptable for a widow to have sex?" I was dead serious.  The responses I received from all of your comments were thoughtful and full of encouragement for me to be who I am, or what I thought I wanted to be, sexual.  (Well one pathetic person who hasn' known a day of happiness thought otherwise. The token troll.)

Okay, I gave it the good old college try.  I threw my heart wide open twice, including my legs.  In the process I discovered quite a bit about me...I honestly can say I am really not ready for meaningful, sex beyond a week.  I can't forsee the future, and I can't make any informed decisions of any lasting nature about relationships involving mind, body and soul.  It's too soon.  

I want to have some fun.  This is where the honesty thing comes in.  I’m vulnerable, I’m still grieving, in fact I am re-grieving.  One step forward, another two back.  My husband died twice, once in body and another time two weeks ago, when I experienced the death of our life as I knew it.  I’m not going to play out the hurt victim...anyone could do this role...my role is to try and make sense out of it without hurting people who have no need to be hurt beyond what they already feel. 

Did I experience great pain?  Yes, enough that I knew I needed a hiatus to deal with it.  I finished my cartoon grieving book, and it wasn’t a pretty, tied in a bow neat ending.  No, it was raw, messy and full of meanings beyond what I could share with more than one or two people...the hurt and pain was visible as only I could express it...so in-your-face painful.  I drew two cartoons that night, the only time in the entire book from Sept. 22 ...it ended with the two cartoons on Nov. 3.  Oddly enough I have only been able to do three cartoons since (except for a few hand done cards), and even those I could not finish.  

At the same time I ended the grieving drawings, I wrote a couple of stream of consciousness pages and let it simmer.  I looked at it this morning and saw it was a “reactive” piece, one which had served its purpose by letting me express what I needed to express, without denigrating anyone publicly.  What a relief to know I didn’t need to make my entire anguish public...I dealt with it.  I’m still dealing with it.

I made a huge mistake by being honest, I hurt someone I care for a great deal.  Because I am in a place in my life where I have some freedom, and because I feel so very vulnerable in the playing field of hopes and dreams it seems I’m walking on eggshells...and I am bound to break some.  I haven’t had a playing field in decades, I don’t know the rules.  Be open, tell them what I am feeling, even if it is a moment of desire? What if the desire evaporates, do I say that?  Share my ongoing life, the good and the bad?  So, I did all of the above.  I wasn’t out to hurt anyone, and had no desire to be hurt in the process, but it happened. I was hurt, and I hurt another.  I am so sorry I could not follow through with what I believed I wanted, what I believed I needed at the time.  I honestly thought I could.    

And then there was another disappointment, or three.  Heck, I could be the Queen of Disappointment during the last week alone. But why?  I feel all of them, but should those lessons make me stop wanting to try to find some happiness?  No.  And they won’t, it’s just that now I am getting more familiar with this game of hearts we play.  I sure didn’t ask to be put out as a rookie...but I am just a rookie, go easy on me.  Know I am dipping my toes into the waters of the heart...my heart which has been shattered and put back together with a few bits of duct tape...not a foolproof repair, but a temporary holding it together while I try to get something more permanent...I’m so damn fragile, but here I am again...toe first.

PS...what the heck has been going on in my absence?  The lack of respect, compassion and decency has been shocking.