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OCTOBER 22, 2009 11:15AM

SEX--When is it appropriate for a widow?

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The longing for sex

means I am still very much here

even though you aren't.




Do you get enough?  Sex I mean... I know I don’t.  Of course there might be a good reason I don’t.  I’m just having trouble thinking what it is.  Hah-hah...I know, I know.


Seriously, there were the early days of my sex life which had a rather auspicious beginning.  I won’t bother to give ink to it again, because I am 48 years past that non-defining preview of male rage.  I don’t wear the victim badge, and frankly, it doesn’t look good on anyone day after day.  I’m so over it.  I was a victim for about ten minutes, a few times over the years, but I hated being one, so I stopped.  Many can't, and I would say to them you are missing out on a whole bunch of life by living with that "Hello I Am A Victim" name badge on.  But hey, we are all different, so I won't tell you how to live your life if you don't expect me to live mine your way.  Fair enough?  It has to be, I won't be listening otherwise.


Back to the subject at hand, this just-emerging sexuality of mine. Someone once said to me, after I had a particularly satisfying multi-orgasmic moment, “Once the floodgates are opened you can’t get enough.”  That my friends is an understatement.


I’d say you could ask my husband, but sadly my latest reference is silent now.  But I can tell you we had a very mutually satisfying, long term sex-life.


I find it depressing, this missing element of instant availability of sex whether I want it or not.  It is getting to be a real drag.  Look, I’m only recently a without my sexual partner of 30 years, he died....but I didn’t.  Yes, I am feeling someone numb overall, but there are these moments of longing, of wanting to be touched, to feel loved...and yes, to be sexually desirable.  I have been looking over at the empty side of my bed for nearly three months now.  Not exactly a long time, but if you are staring at a smooth, un-rumpled, unresponsive side of the bed longingly, it can feel like an eternity.  No laughter, no conversation, no compliments, no snoring...nothing but a vast wasted space where my sexuality had been lavishing itself for so long.


It is only human, only right, yet why must I feel like I have some sort of silent schedule of grieving which dictates how or with whom and when it is appropriate for me to express this empty, not always openly discussed side of widowhood?  Well maybe it has been discussed, I haven’t really looked.  But after having available sex for years...heck who am I kidding, decades... I miss it.


I read of all of these internet dates some of you are slogging through...and well, I guess I haven’t come to a point where I feel I even want to go there.  I don’t want to date, I don’t want to play GILTF (grandmother I would love to f***), I’m way past that cougar thing in reality...I’m more like a seasoned olive.    I’m slightly salty, but like a fine martini I would be sitting there, tempting, waiting, soaking up my surroundings waiting to be savored when the moment is right.  Well, I do have glimpses of that olive slipping through the fog and numbness.



I’d be lying if I said I had not been with many lovers over my life, but I also would be lying if I said they were all good at it.  Hello...the numbers may be staggering, but paid for sex meant to me they got off, not me.  So the actual fun part of sex for me means I have had much less than the numbers might suggest.


I actually tried extrapolating how much maleness I had accommodated over my lifetime...and what I ended up was devising a formula, which I could then convert to a number that would correspond in some kind of term people could understand.  For example: average size penis in inches x number, divided  by 12 inches x three=Yards converted into...football fields.  This is thinking outside of the box.  (I also tried mileage, but that scared me off so I can only imagine how a guy would feel.)  But football fields had a more guy friendly sound to it.


I could just see my ad on C-List:  


Woman with medium amount of turf has lived her life Green, recycled, and reused, much to the delight of the many running backs and passers.  Practice made perfect.  DD free.  (That also would refer to my boob size too.) Good passing skills, so need an expert receiver.  Not a defensive player, prefer to play a tie game, perhaps some overtime, but no sudden death.  No paying customers, and I for sure will not pay. No mind games, please.  Just out of a long term contract which expired.  Still wants to play, but play fair.


I doubt it would be that easy.  I suppose the mere fact I am even thinking in terms of needing some human touch means I am slowly climbing out of my protective shell, maybe not entirely ready, but aware there is more to my life and I should be acknowledging it.  The whole thing boils down to finding myself attracted to a man.  I have already felt the twinge of desire.  I’m awakening again.  Scary but necessary is my conclusion.  I have no idea how to approach this next time of life, except to say I have always done what feels right for me...sometimes making a mistake, but this just means always a learning opportunity.




If I have learned anything in my life, it is that life actually begins with the human touch, and without it we cannot thrive.  I need to thrive.   I need to give, as well as receive.  I may be rusty on knowing how to go about finding it, but the new world order applies especially to my life now, and like so many others in this predicament, I’ll adapt or die trying.  In the mean time, I shall pay attention to what my body is asking for...no, what it is starting to demand.  I’m sure the answer to this dilemma will arrive as suddenly as the question appeared.


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A half bump and grind... in thought anyway!
Interesting question. Only you know the best answer to it, Buffy.
When my lover died, what I wanted more than anything was to be touched, fucked, loved, to prove that I was still alive. It wasn't disloyal--it was human. This is a stunning piece of work, honest and oh so true. I went out looking for it in the aftermath, and what I found was quite awful. But, when I was willing to wait, I hit the jackpot. I know that isn't a comfort right now, but perhaps taking care of the itch temporarily with a few one-night stands will allow you to settle down and wait for the magic again.
You are a very attractive woman and from my own perspective...I'm not well and if I leave my wife before she leaves me (as in die), then I would want her to seek out love, companionship and yes...SEX! No sense sitting around waiting to follow me into hell.
I posted a comment but it disappeared....oh well, try it again.

As I said, you are a very attractive woman, as is my wife and I know from my perspective I would not want my wife sitting around mourning my passing...I would want her to find compassion, love and SEX.
I would never ever dream of putting a time limit on someone's grief or need for love. We all need what we need, when we need it. People in our society get way too wrapped up in the idea that you "need" to grieve a certain length of time or...

Or what? I don't even know.

And yes, of course sex is good. Sex is VERRRRY good...;)
When you want to Sheila. We all crave human touch, to feel the warmth and affection of another person. On a more personal note, I will envy the lucky one you pick. That may not sound right, but I think that you are such an amazing woman that being desired by you would be a high compliment. You deserve that warmth and tenderness you seek.
Love the formula, but I think you cribbed it from Einstein.
When is sex appropriate for a widow? Whenever the time seems right for you! Intimacy is really what we are looking for, isn't it? Grieving does not have a time limit. Our society is all too quick to expect us to "get over it". Bullshit to that!
Awww, Sheila. I SO hear you.

This was damned funny, even through the sad....

Well done.

Hope you fill up the roster after tryouts!
Great post. This "life actually begins with the human touch, and without it we cannot thrive." is so, so true and so well expressed. Good luck on your quest!
Now. PM me immediately.
How about as soon as you become widow eligible? It's "til death do you part." not til you both die.
No, I don't get enough.
As a matter of fact, I don't get any. Thanks for asking. ;-)
All I can say is good luck to you!
Love that cartoon!
I didn't have a relationship for almost a year after my husband died. Then I had one of the most romantic ones of my life (but he died, too!). I've had a few since, but was not willing to settle, so settled in to happily solo, and content enough with memories for several years.

That's changing. Stay tuned...
Beautifully described.
Well for what it's worth and it probably isn't worth that much, I have always been able to separate sex from love. If it is sex and some companionship you long for then what in the world is wrong with accepting it when it comes around. You just spent thirty years with a man you deeply loved and respected and THAT will not be replaced soon. However sharing intimacy with another human is not something that you should run from.
Kathy--Yes, I’ll figure it out. Thanks for stopping by.
Fingerlakeswanderer--Thanks for sharing. I’m not going to get my panties in a bunch over it. I know “good things happen too.”
TS--Yes, I know, people who truly love each other want the other to be happy...not waste away. Thanks.
AshKW--If it were not so good I wouldn’t even be asking the question! I didn’t really think about this until the past week. But I am beginning to see light through the fog of all of it.
bobbot--Thank you, we all deserve it throughout our lives.
john blumenthal--leave it to you to know where I got that formula. Sh-h-h-h.
rainee174--yes, grieving has no time limit, but living does. Thank you.
Verbal Remedy--love the thought of tryouts, even if a tad scary! Thanks...
Marcella in English--Thank you sweet lady.
Duaneart--you made me laugh! Thanks. See how awkward I am!!
Intimacy has its own timetable. A wonderful, deep post. Perhaps add to the C-List: "No punters."
Widows should have all the free popcorn, 2nd glasses of Chardonnay and sex that they want. Also, all puppies in the vicinity should stop by for a pat.
rixjan--Good answer! Thank you.
Spotted_Owl--Awww. My cartoon figure will probably get it before I do!
Lea Lane--Yikes...that is a very scary scenario...I understand why you may be content...but wait...okay, I’ll tune in...
Deborah--Thank you.
Torman--I can separate the two, it’s whether I want to or not. I’m sure I’ll not run from the right opportunity, as soon as I use my gym membership a bit more!
JKBrady--Just listen to yourself...and know your body knows what is best. Honestly. This and time. You’ll get there.
Stim--yeah, and “no fake passing”. Thanks.
Sandra--You are soooo right! I might want some chocolate to go with that popcorn too!
The meaning that you find in life...starts within. Sounds like you are on the right track!
Beautiful and honest post, Buffy. I am in complete agreement with (especially) your last paragraph. You are such a healthy and vivacious woman. Your strength and joy amaze me. I adore the cartoon. Kudos to you for not giving up on life!
I think you already knew the answer to this. From your writing about your relationship with Lance it's my perception that he would want you to go on with your life. That includes your sex life.

If I were single, Duaneart wouldn't be the only one here asking you to send a PM right now ;). Have some fun, and set the bar high for all potential partners. No pun intended. Rated.
Think I commented on one of your posts several months ago that the loss of intimacy -- for any reason -- is perhaps the cruelest blow of all. The need to touch and be touched is primal, in whatever manifestation, from a simple caress to all-out sex. I was there once, and hope never to revisit that barren place.
There's no schedule for grief, Sheila. Everyone grieves differently, so only you can say when you're done. Is three months enough time? The real question is, is three months enough time FOR YOU?

When you're ready, you're ready.
Reading your post made me think of this:
"We don`t exist unless we are deeply and sensually in touch with that which can be touched but not known."
D.H. Lawrence
buffy: soon. sooner. purring is good for your mood, your skin, your throbbing ... but you know that.

great post.
Buffy: What time is it now??
I have a feeling that there is (and will be) no shortage of suitors. Whether or not they have the proper armor and are able to be in "in it"for the long term seems to be the eternal problem. Beware of impostors. Holloweenie is right around the corner! ;) xoxo
You have gotten some wise counsel and what I believe may be firm offers. (heh)

What I offer is affirmation. Sex is all about life. And life is not really life without sex. Good sex. Toe-curling, muscle-melting, think-about-it-all-day sex. You know that, and it's true. And it is not unseemly or traitorous to be good to yourself. Indeed, I would imagine your deceased beloved would want you to be good to yourself, as he is not able to do so himself.

You do not need to love a man to have good sex with him (it helps, surely, but it's not necessary). And sometimes you can have bad sex with someone you love. You have spun around on this ball of dirt long enough to know there's a difference between sex and love. If you have the opportunity to enjoy some good sex, however it occurs, take it. Be good to yourself.

My guess is that proposed CL ad would have you awash in willing men in no time. Be sensible, pick a partner who's respectful and knows your boundaries and is capable of living within them. Be good to yourself.

Love you, honey. Be good to yourself.
Only you know what's right for you, and you are the most sussed person I know. You will get through this however you feel best when the moment strikes. x
Quick answer is: whenever you want. At 53 I feel I am just coming into my sexual stride. The past five years since my first divorce have been fabulous. You were lucky with what you had, very very lucky. I doubt your husband, who you write about with great affection, would want you to live like a nun.
Adored and Rated. I like all the foreplay this post suggests - your mind is already working on it and the universe will provide...

Best wishes.
Count me in the "it's up to you" camp. Count me in the "amazed at your being able to maintain a sense of humor about this" camp. Count me in the "Buffy's incredible!" camp.
ur honesty n clarity of thought and guilelessness and frankness and direct ways are admirable :)
"I suppose the mere fact I am even thinking in terms of needing some human touch means I am slowly climbing out of my protective shell". I love your honesty.R
I say go for it. I like to think the dead root for the living, and want us to use what time we have left to be alive.
I suggest some pre season workouts and rub downs.
My phone number is-----
I don't think there is any set guideline here. The things you describe are important part of being human and living a fulfilling life. I say, roll with it and if it feels right, go for it.
I always figure you'll know when your ready. Sounds like you are almost there! That's a good thing.
best of luck- we are a long time dead, get busy!
One of the things I actually hate about Open Salon—I want to phrase this carefully, because by “hate”, I mean, for myself, because it makes me feel so defeated—is that people I respect here, people whose posts I love to read, insist that sexuality is important and goes on being important and never stops being important. I am 41. I consider myself rather funny-looking, but other people—including men, sometimes young and beautiful men—seem to think otherwise. I’m not a good reader of signals, but sometimes this is made so obvious that even I can’t miss it. And I hate it, because I want to put my sexuality to sleep and make it work for me in art, not in life. For various reasons, it is a burden to me, and I loathe it. And when I read the honesty here, in posts and comments, it makes me want to burst into tears. Isn’t there any hope? I don’t want the kind of hope others have; I want my hope, the hope that allows me to control and have sovereignty over this.

Sigh. I hope you get what you want. You are honest and beautiful and clearly deserve it.
One of the things I actually hate about Open Salon—I want to phrase this carefully, because by “hate”, I mean, for myself, because it makes me feel so defeated—is that people I respect here, people whose posts I love to read, insist that sexuality is important and goes on being important and never stops being important. I am 41. I consider myself rather funny-looking, but other people—including men, sometimes young and beautiful men—seem to think otherwise. I’m not a good reader of signals, but sometimes this is made so obvious that even I can’t miss it. And I hate it, because I want to put my sexuality to sleep and make it work for me in art, not in life. For various reasons, it is a burden to me, and I loathe it. And when I read the honesty here, in posts and comments, it makes me want to burst into tears. Isn’t there any hope? I don’t want the kind of hope others have; I want my hope, the hope that allows me to control and have sovereignty over this.

Sigh. I hope you get what you want. You are honest and beautiful and clearly deserve it.
Apologies for the double-post. Luddite alert! :-D
you're just amazing, so honest, self-aware, non-judgmental, expressive . . . fuckin' HUMAN

I think when you're really ready you'll find what you need
I think it's wonderful you're feeling this alive. You're like a plant that is putting out fresh green shoots after being blasted by a terrible storm. You don't sound like you feel guilty, which is great (if you do feel it, you shouldn't). I love the way you're using humor to deal with all you're going thru (another sign of how alive you are).

I hope that you find someone you play with in a healing way even if (probably better if) it's not serious. I wonder if going to any grief groups, or places where men who have lost their wives fairly recently would make sense? That way (to use your metaphor) it's a level playing field. But I'd also seize the opportunity for contact wherever you find it and it feels right -- just follow your feelings. (I can tell you do!)
Forgot to add...K and I have discussed this just in case one of us should die suddenly. We both want the other to grieve well, as long as they need to, but then move on and love again. Not only would we want the other to be happy again but we also would feel it was the best tribute to our love to want to love someone new. I think the same is true for pleasure and passion -- it's a tribute to your husband that you want this again (and even so soon) and even if the two of you never discussed it, I feel sure (from how you described him) that he'd want you to seek out both lust and love whenever you're ready for them.
My first thought was: "What about the Hail Mary pass!"
You are incredible, and this entire journey with you has been incredible, and for someone I only know through this screen my love and affection for you are pretty deep.
So many women are scared of their sexuality, usually because of being taught to be. You have a full and newly blossoming sexuality that should be celebrated.
In whatever way you choose! I'm sure you're oozing phermones, and that is great. You are in charge. Keep your vibrator handy and charged. Fulfill yourself in as many ways as you deem fit.
What a gift you will be to the next person who is lucky enough to explore with you. You. Go. Girl. xxoo
Reaffirmation is important! And that's what this really is about. It isn't about having the desire ... you already said you had it. It's about how being concerned over how others will perceive it. Suggestion: Fuck'm!

As you well know, I was seven years without sex, prior to Pat dying; seven years of loyalty and seven years of chastity. My hands and I grew very close. So when she was gone ... May '05 ... by late June, I was out and about. Before long, my chastity ended. Some who were close to us knew. And of those, some were ambivalent because they knew it was my business; others were outwardly happy for me; but a few were visible angry and let me know it. My attitude was you didn't live my life when she was alive; you are not going to live it now that she's gone. So again I say, Fuck'm! You go girl, and let it happen anyway you want it to. You know your real friends don't care as long as you are happy.
You have a healthy attitude and approach to the issue, and I'm certain you'll know when and with whom the time is right.

I have no doubt that Lance would want you to continue living a fulfilling life-- he always wanted what was best for you while alive, and I'm certain this is true now.

Best wishes...
Now this is a masterpiece on being a feminine woman (period). It deserves an objective and learned response.

If you were a cougar, which you are not, the answer would have been easy. Not being a cougar means that you are more feminine, more passionate and more sexual; that is, any real man's dream. The answer is NOT to wait. Pick your suitors and give them a fair shake. Love/passion--which is what you want--will find you.

The "formula" paragraph is priceless.
Your proposed ad on C-List should become a gold standard.
Your last paragraph teaches what a real woman feels.

By far, this is the most realistic, though refreshing, feminine piece I have ever read.

Rated for excellence.
To answer your question: You'll know.
I don't know what to say but I want to say something beautiful and wonderful to you. I want to say go get fucked, in the best way possible, but what fingerlakes said is so perfectly wonderfully true. You are no piece of meat. Don't treat yourself as one. Be true to yourself what ever you do.
Great sketch!

Sex is just another bodily need as far as I'm concerned and if you can scratch the itch without causing anyone any harm, then why not? You go for it and if emotional relationships develop then take it as it comes. Excuse the pun.

Now, what about when is it appropriate for still very marrieds who ain't getting any to start looking? ;-)

Great post and some great comments.
Every widow/divorcee should read this. You've written an intensely personal post with humor, respect and love about a universal topic. Sheila's Guide To Having Great Sex After Having Had Great Sex. Lance would love it.
Buffy - in full agreement, re: you even thinking about the awakening sexuality is a good sign. A sign of life, passion, humanness. It's a beautiful thing to (re) discover. It's the center of it all, I think. That sexual essence.
Wish you lived nearby ... we could drink some champagne, talk of our sexual exploits and then go run amok and see what men we could suss out. (I'm typing this blowing off a married man who answered my c-list ad who is visiting from out of town.)
Like most of the others (But I've not read them all), I say the right time is... "Whenever you want to."

Besides being hot and stimulating and fun/naughty, sex is nourishing, life-affirming, hope-giving, and leaves us with a reason to get up in the morning (as you well know). That you are thinking about it and missing it so much says much about the loving and fulfilling sexual life you shared with your husband.

All the best to you, dear woman. All the best.
This story strikes a chord for me. I have lost lovers and a husband
when I wasn't yet 40. The answer most people offer is "you
will know when the time is right" but it is frequently complicated
by well-intentioned friends, relatives, and sometimes children.
My experience taught me therapeutic touch is essential to
emotional and bodily healing. I recommend getting weekly massages
by a good masseuse. As far as the sex goes, it is difficult but not impossible to find a friend with benefits however the sex you are longing for isn't the sex you will get. Sometimes it is more difficult to cope with more disappointment than it is the lack of intimacy for now. The good news is time does heal our broken hearts and new
relationships await our healed selves.
Take care of your beautiful self.*
you go girl. cougars rock.
typo, I think you meant "*in*auspicious" at the beginning
Whenever it feels right to you is the right time. Just be safe about it! :)
Your desire for sex, just three months after your husband died, is a tribute to how unusually excellent your marriage was. Lance would see it that way. If you are, truly, feeling ready for sex, do it. Do it and give thanks that you are still so thoroughly alive.
I'm sorry your husband died, BUT now you know your needs and wants, and, girlfriend, just go!
I have never been married, but thats me, I like the short term relationship. Like the movie BraveHeart : " FREEDOMMMMMMMM" You will find someone else. I wish you well.
I found your essay strangely moving. I think you have great insight.
I come from a slightly different perspective. My father waited all of three weeks after my mother died to start a new relationship (which we think may not have been truly new). He didn't take any time to truly grieve, blocking himself from crying or thinking about her after 32 years of marriage.

The danger is not in waiting for someone else's perceived time schedule, but making sure you actually took the time you needed to grieve.

If you've worked through some of your grief and are looking for companionship, try to find someone who will be open to the fact that you will continue to hurt and will support you through it (rather than someone who tells you not to mention your dead spouse because it hurts their feelings... yes, this is really what his now-wife told him and us, his children).

Everyone needs a shoulder to lean on, someone to laugh with, a partner for physical comfort, but make sure they also have a shoulder to cry on.

Good luck to you in finding your physical comfort as well as in your grieving process.
I agree with what most people have said here. It's your call, of course, no one else's.

Life-affirming. That's what I'm thinking. You are quite alive, Sheila, and quite special. You have life and that life seeks always to be affirmed. When you eat, you affirm your own life. It's the same with all that you do. Sex is no different. The only choice you have to make is when, and with whom, and in what circumstance.

Would anyone give you a meal schedule to follow in your grief? Of course not. Nor can they give you any other kind of schedule.

Meet your needs. Affirm that wonderful life.
Wow - what Thoth said, every word! And the one who recommended a masseuse...

A women's circle, perhaps? For the intimacy? Or just do what feels good, and be safe. You are a great writer. Rated.
"I have no idea how to approach this next time of life, except to say I have always done what feels right for me...sometimes making a mistake, but this just means always a learning opportunity."-- You said volumes here. You will know when you are ready, just give yourself time, take it one day at a time, breathe. You have so much more of life to embrace, breathe and embrace it. This is a question only you can answer yourself, because everyone is different, and not everyone has lost like you have. 30 yrs is a long time, and there was such great love there, that is going to be hard to replace completely or even at all.
Wonderfully written post, I loved the C-list add, could work..teehee.
My heart and thoughts go out to you...
:) you'll be ok Sheila. I mean you ARE ok. Your summary says it all.

"I’m sure the answer to this dilemma will arrive as suddenly as the question appeared."
Sex is magic, intimacy is transcendent, love is where it's at. Even if it's just for a night. In that night the stars and planets, all the fire and truths of all the gods and goddesses, all time and space lives in your heart and burns through your flesh. Nothing compares to two as one divining the wild secrets of the universe.

Go get the honey.
I hope you find someone just as wonderful this time Buffy- holding good thoughts for you
Thank you so much for this, Buffy.

What I love is that you are inhabiting the question, rather than trying to force an answer. For me, sex and love are both (obviously, among other things) places where we can be vulnerable and ask questions about ourselves and other people. You are clearly a beautiful person who allows herself the time and space for uncertainty and journeys of discovery without brutalising herself or others with unthinking roles (e.g. the cougar stuff). I wish you joy.
if you're starting to ask the question, then you probably already should have had it.
Now would be a good time. Since I've resumed fooling around, I've met mostly nice men through the internet. Apart from the strange phenomenon of guys who show enthusiasm and then don't want to follow through, I have not had any negative experiences. I would say the trick is to go for the minimum, the essence--the sex, that is. The love will follow. It's surprising how many guys there are out there who want to spend time with you, even love you, when all you asked for was sex. I think the frustration of internet dating (or any dating) is that most people will not match your fantasies. The more experience you have, the more realistic your expectations. You're not looking for Mr. Right at the moment, you just want some human comfort. It's not that hard to find. Go for it.
AS I read your post I kind of answered it in my head. Then I read my answer dozens of times in the replies people sent.

With that being said, when you decide you want to try, I won't be your mister right, but I'll be mister right now if you want.
I'm not doing anything this weekend.
I was just thinking of PMing you to see how you were doing, lady. I see you're coming along pretty well.

You're right about human touch. I don't think humans were intended to be loners and you do have a life ahead of you. Do what your heart tells you to do. That's what got you the last great thirty years.
about a month, maybe six weeks after my husband died, I was yearning - yearning like crazy - for some physical connection. If anything, I felt more "alive" than ever, I suspect because I felt more of everything, including phenomenal levels of grief and loss as well as occasionally uncontrollable urges to laugh, swear, make myself front and center and disappear entirely. I couldn't find anyone to talk to about it among the other widows I knew. But I did find understanding from a male cousin of mine. Seemed odd at the time but I suppose it was just another interesting detour in the road to something.
PS - and you appear to have plenty of offers right here in this column!
Looks to me like you have over-analyzed this. You can make your own decisions with no one to answer to but yourself. You deserve what you want out of life.

This is not meant to sound like a wise-guy comment. Just think if you spent even 50% of the time you spent thinking about this and writing the blog looking for a man with the qualities you most admire, you'd be a lot closer to where you want to be.
Just arrived home to this post. Oh Buffy, you capture reality, your truth, your state of being, in a way that simply leaves me in awe!! May the process of satisfying the craving be as smooth and profound! Loving you.
It's sort of circular isn't it. The long-time reality of touching and being touched by your late husband means that you have a lot of desire that's not being addressed (let alone fulfilled) right now. And that desire is starting to drive you toward something new. That sounds pretty healthy to me. As for the title question "Sex--when is it appropriate for the widow"--I think my answer would be the day before you're really ready.
man, theres so many "unrequited" women on here if you know what I mean. lots of posts. sometime I might make a compendium. did you read AndYet? zillions of views.
anyway, maybe you should all get together and have a party, if you know what I mean.
my question is, are you a "Equal Opportunity Employer"?
this is a brave post, & thats commendable.
it seems like women worry so much what other ppl think about their personal lives. yeah, it does seem to be more the case with women. what business is it of anyone elses? your happiness is YOUR business. you dont have to flaunt it. nobody has to know right away. get out there, the waters fine. and you will find some nice new features/facets that you didnt realize you were missing. cant wait to hear what they are. :)
Hey! I understand somewhat. I'm trying to decide about moving back in with my husband and the sex is a big factor. I need sex whether with reconciliation or not.
Well said.
I'm 18 years older than my wife. When we decided to get married, I felt compelled to bring up the fact that, actuarily speaking, she'd probably have a good 24 years left after me, and she was fine with that. But I hope they really are good years. I'm sure your fellow would have wished the same.
How do the geese know when to fly to the sun? Who tells them the seasons? How do we, humans, know when it is time to move on? As with the migrant birds, so surely with us, there is a voice within, if only we would listen to it, that tells us so certainly when to go forth into the unknown.--Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Hi Sheila...So sorry I'm late in commenting. As in all aspects of life, you'll have advisors, naysayers, judges, cheerleaders, and plenty of willing suitors. Tune out the static and live as you do so well—In YOUR time and on YOUR terms...

Much love (((Sheila)))
Buffy, you posts, especially since your husband's death, have ironically been full of life and love. A regular love affair with yourself as you've stumbled from such an intense experience and long term marriage. You are one so full of life and of course it would include the desire for touch and sex. I especially loved this line: "I’m more like a seasoned olive. I’m slightly salty, but like a fine martini I would be sitting there, tempting, waiting, soaking up my surroundings waiting to be savored when the moment is right." I think you help so many with your words...when I see you, I see light. Thanks for this post.
A beautiful meditation. Whomever you find will be lucky, in at least a couple of ways.
This is breathtakingly honest. I wish you the very best. Please be careful -- and God bless.
This went weird and then it's safe sex and a Blevin's blessing!
**tearing eyes out from skull**
OK, Ms Buffy. No one needs to know about widowhood. That's rule number one. You meet a guy, you like the guy, he likes you, you get your story set up ahead of time, and what happened three months or thirty years ago is none of his business.

The human being needs physical contact. That's what I miss most between Paris and Lyons. The sex can wait. A carress, a kiss, warm arms... Well, you know what I mean.

So, forget convention. Forget those silly fat widows who are probably glad not to have the "attention" every saturday night!!!!!!

And you must continue living for you, so follow your heart, your desires, your needs, and don't apologize for anything.
Gosh Buffy, I've been trying to get here for days, but there is a male line-up like this is American Idol or something just beyond your blog's door... Be picky. Oh, and there is a lot to "the eyes are a window to the soul." Look deep.
Rated. Superb to read your intuitive writing, here. There is much that I could write in response, but instead I'm going to send this to my mother (herself alone for 20 years), and let her experience your words and thoughts. This is my 20th anniversary gift to her. I know she'll love it, as we do you.
My mother died of heart failure at the age of 68. 6 months later my father married a woman he had not seen since the war (they saw each other after my mother died however). It was the best thing he ever did. He is 95, outlived her life as well, and says 'He married two queens'. We all need touch.
I hope you met a good man since you wrote this two years ago.