This will leave Mickey Rourke no choice but to hit Brad Pitt with a steel chair. “You people need to give me the respect that I deserve,” Rourke will yell, giving a time honored (and honed) bad guy wrestler refrain that has existed ever since the invention of the microphone. The Tinsel Town hoi polloi gathered for the event will start to boo Rourke more heavily than they booed Michael Moore when he said that George W. Bush stole an election.
The orchestra will start to play the outro music in a futile attempt to stop the violence. Pitt, floored by the initial blow, will struggle to his knees but Rourke will send him back down to the plush carpeting with another chair shot across the Hollywood hunk’s back. Rourke will then toss the chair to the side and begin to lay his snakeskin boots into the body of the A-lister. “Somebody stop it!” Daniel Day Lewis will say over the Kodak Theatre’s sound system. Lewis was last year's best Oscar winner for his arresting turn as Daniel Plainview in There Will Be Blood. “Security! Security!” he will plead while still maintaining a certain aloof poise. But the security guards will be paralyzed. They have been expressly told never to lay a hand on the talent, even if the talent is conducting itself in the manner of a rabid wolverine or a Texas rattlesnake. Philip Seymour Hoffman, winner of the best actor award in 2006 for his performance in Capote and best supporting actor nominee this year for Doubt, will be moved to tears by the carnage but will do nothing. Sean Penn will start to cheer Pitt’s dismantling but then, realizing what he is doing, will quickly sit down in the hopes that he wasn’t on camera.
The frantic commentary of WWE Smackdown announcer Jim Ross will unexplainably air over the Oscar broadcast. “Brad Pitt is broken in half! Broken in half! Good God Almighty!! Good God Almighty!! That...That...That...near killed him!!! Mickey Rourke is tougher than a two dollar steak. Mickey Rourke is a freak of nature…and I don’t mean that in a disrespectful way.”
Mickey Rourke has what Roddy Piper calls the sickness now. He’s got the fever. Like his portrayal of Randy “The Ram” Robinson, he needs to get back into that ring. At the BAFTAs and the Golden Globes, he even dressed like every pro wrestler trying to look high class that I’ve ever run across. Like The Rock circa 2000, he is wearing those glittery $500 shirts. Don’t you dare rip that shirt Brad Pitt or Sean Penn, otherwise Rourke is liable to layeth the smacketh down on your roody poo candy asses. A can of whoopass will definitely be opened.
Agents and managers may try to stop him but Rourke is going to do WrestleMania 25 on April 5th. The WWE is unabashedly building up to this. Heel Chris Jericho has called Rourke out on Larry King and has continued to do so every week on Monday Night RAW ever since. Rourke dare not show his face on a weekly wrestling show for fear that the Academy will deem this undignified (as if anything in Hollywood is actually possessing of dignity). Retired wrestlers have been used to stand in for Rourke in his agent imposed absence. This week it was “Rowdy” Roddy Piper. Last week it was “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair. During these segments that usually end with the old pro laying out the upstart with one blow as the fans cheer wildly, the meaning of Darren Aronofsky’s The Wrestler is publicly debated. Jericho says that all of the wrestling legends, like the film’s main character, are nothing more than broken down old men willing to dance on strings for the amusement of slovenly fans that don’t really care about them. Flair and Piper have said that the movie hits upon the dignity of the men who get in the ring night after night. In a world where “all of it are shades of grey (sic),” as Vince McMahon himself said on a late 1990s A&E special on the phenomenon of pro wrestling, both interpretations are right.
But Mickey has the fever now. Mickey won’t get the respect that he deserves so he will hit Brad Pitt with that steel chair, making this the best Academy Awards ever.