Black Boots' Blog

I am very jealous but I fight it with my sense of humor

Black Boots

Black Boots
Birthday
August 30
Title
Lover of bellies
Bio
I have lost my lover who loved my boots. The psychic crossing guard, who spits and bangs on cars, warned me that he was selfish. I came to suspect that he was secretly funneling anonymous money to the Tea Party. He also hated museums. For now, I seem to attract adventures as a suburban housewife.Only you can determine which is fiction.

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Salon.com
MARCH 22, 2011 6:01AM

Will My Life Ever be In Order?

Rate: 7 Flag

I am haunted. I can’t sleep. I never watch the news before going to bed- but I did last night. The body of a young girl was found. She was an American teacher in Japan. She rode her bike home after the earthquake and must have been hit by the ensuing tsunami.

My mother might be dying. She was told last week that the radiologist saw stomach cancer covering her lining and cancer covering her pelvis. The news has sent me into a panic. It feels as though I am racing against the clock. I need to spend time with her. I need to help her get her will and papers in order. I need to clean my basement.

It is overwhelming to be in my house. I have children who refuse to part with anything. I buy so many clothes to accommodate my changing sizes. We have been surrounded by clutter and I have been too busy to focus on it. My friend who is a therapist has suggested that I live in chaos so that I do not have to deal with the real stuff that is wrong in my life. She’s right! Death puts a sense of urgency into the need to organize and clean. To strip away what is superfluous. I have an urge to get back to the essence of what matters.

 The last time I felt an urge this strongly to simplify, I chalked it up to the nesting instinct. I was eight months pregnant. I had been on bed rest for months and I was finally able to get out of bed. It was a beautiful day and the World Trade Center had just been hit by planes. My husband was stuck in Manhattan and I did not know where he was since the phones were down. I needed to clean. I had read about the “nesting” phenomenon but did not experience it with the first child.

We have reminders of our own mortality at every turn. As for the lives that I  have helped to bring into the world, I mentaly tick off their milestone  events. I have an illogical sense that if I can hang on just long enough, my children will not need me. I am trying to control the uncontrollable.

Cleaning and purging might well be a survival instinct. The need to prepare for a new life or to prepare for death is all about  being able to get in touch with what you will really need in the event of crisis.I am not prepared. Do I have a choice?

 

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Comments

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Whether you're able to focus and gather the strength to purge/clean or not - hang in there!

My Da died suddenly a couple of years ago, and the think I most regret is not being able to spend time with him at the end. Even if you can't get your house (literally) in order, you should cherish the time you will be able to spend with your mother, helping her get hers (papers etc.) in order, reminiscing, etc.

My heart goes out to you.
Thank you Red...all of this getting in order causes grumpiness. I think we are still having mother daughter tiffs even when she might be dying. It is still hard to believe. I think there is a lot of denial on both of our parts.
Kathy, That is a very big compliment coming from as good of a writer as you are. Thanks.
I'm so sorry, I don't know what else to say.
I agree. Good, and the right question.
It's very sad. Folk seem EXtra Kinetic.
I don't get out much - In hobnob spots.
But - I notice a worried PAN setting in.
We can't rely on adult -know-it-all folk.
It seems some ilk are still in high school.
There are good Hicks. Politico's Panics.
We deserve to be inner shook up a wee`
BIT.
Often -
The EX-spurts who get us in the sad fix`
`
Give the same crap EX`Cat sick dish of SOP`
`
SOUP.
I heard some so-called EX-Spit use a Freudian`
`
SLIP on TV.
He was from the State Department EX-plaining`
`
Why Libya gets shot-up and children etc get killed?
`
Kilts. (Green?)
In my thinking?
`
The Expert used Sadam Husseins name 2- X's.
He meant to say`
`
Kadafy this/that.
He apologized.
He kept saying
`
Sad Ham Insane.
Ask Don Rumsfeld.
He shakes S.H. hand.
It'd beyond language.
Same-ill-spiels.
A EX-SPURTS?

"They" use same-same Lebanon baloney that was supposed to be rendered in PA?

It's mind boggling.
What Broke Pawns.
You ask a clear query.
I ask this question often.
Politico ask Bart Simpson.
Maybe Charlie Sheen know.

It's sorta 'our' suicide.
Great thinkers get shunned. Why ask the same nincompoops to `
EXplain?
Oy!
Set-USA-straight?
They are crooked!
Bury with a auger?
Use fence-post hoe!

Bury standing Up!
Wastrel Spewers!
Awful Mouth`ers!
Bleue- Thanks that is enough.

Art- I agree we all seem to be in a panic on the macro and micro level.
I know, and you always have a choice but what the choice is depends on the situation. I am so sorry, but you will come out shining after this stage has passed.
Raz- thanks. My choice may be not to clean today after I meet her at the doctor...Maybe I will go shopping to bring more chaos in.