I am haunted. I can’t sleep. I never watch the news before going to bed- but I did last night. The body of a young girl was found. She was an American teacher in Japan. She rode her bike home after the earthquake and must have been hit by the ensuing tsunami.
My mother might be dying. She was told last week that the radiologist saw stomach cancer covering her lining and cancer covering her pelvis. The news has sent me into a panic. It feels as though I am racing against the clock. I need to spend time with her. I need to help her get her will and papers in order. I need to clean my basement.
It is overwhelming to be in my house. I have children who refuse to part with anything. I buy so many clothes to accommodate my changing sizes. We have been surrounded by clutter and I have been too busy to focus on it. My friend who is a therapist has suggested that I live in chaos so that I do not have to deal with the real stuff that is wrong in my life. She’s right! Death puts a sense of urgency into the need to organize and clean. To strip away what is superfluous. I have an urge to get back to the essence of what matters.
The last time I felt an urge this strongly to simplify, I chalked it up to the nesting instinct. I was eight months pregnant. I had been on bed rest for months and I was finally able to get out of bed. It was a beautiful day and the World Trade Center had just been hit by planes. My husband was stuck in Manhattan and I did not know where he was since the phones were down. I needed to clean. I had read about the “nesting” phenomenon but did not experience it with the first child.
We have reminders of our own mortality at every turn. As for the lives that I have helped to bring into the world, I mentaly tick off their milestone events. I have an illogical sense that if I can hang on just long enough, my children will not need me. I am trying to control the uncontrollable.
Cleaning and purging might well be a survival instinct. The need to prepare for a new life or to prepare for death is all about being able to get in touch with what you will really need in the event of crisis.I am not prepared. Do I have a choice?
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Man Talk Now
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Karrine Steffans-McCrary
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Razzle Dazzle
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Comments
My Da died suddenly a couple of years ago, and the think I most regret is not being able to spend time with him at the end. Even if you can't get your house (literally) in order, you should cherish the time you will be able to spend with your mother, helping her get hers (papers etc.) in order, reminiscing, etc.
My heart goes out to you.
It's very sad. Folk seem EXtra Kinetic.
I don't get out much - In hobnob spots.
But - I notice a worried PAN setting in.
We can't rely on adult -know-it-all folk.
It seems some ilk are still in high school.
There are good Hicks. Politico's Panics.
We deserve to be inner shook up a wee`
BIT.
Often -
The EX-spurts who get us in the sad fix`
`
Give the same crap EX`Cat sick dish of SOP`
`
SOUP.
I heard some so-called EX-Spit use a Freudian`
`
SLIP on TV.
He was from the State Department EX-plaining`
`
Why Libya gets shot-up and children etc get killed?
`
Kilts. (Green?)
In my thinking?
`
The Expert used Sadam Husseins name 2- X's.
He meant to say`
`
Kadafy this/that.
He apologized.
He kept saying
`
Sad Ham Insane.
Ask Don Rumsfeld.
He shakes S.H. hand.
It'd beyond language.
Same-ill-spiels.
A EX-SPURTS?
"They" use same-same Lebanon baloney that was supposed to be rendered in PA?
It's mind boggling.
What Broke Pawns.
You ask a clear query.
I ask this question often.
Politico ask Bart Simpson.
Maybe Charlie Sheen know.
It's sorta 'our' suicide.
Great thinkers get shunned. Why ask the same nincompoops to `
EXplain?
Oy!
Set-USA-straight?
They are crooked!
Bury with a auger?
Use fence-post hoe!
Bury standing Up!
Wastrel Spewers!
Awful Mouth`ers!
Art- I agree we all seem to be in a panic on the macro and micro level.