Musings on the Death of My Perfect Partner

Fresh from Birch Creek

John A Bayerl

John A Bayerl
Location
Ann Arbor, Michigan, USA
Birthday
May 30
Bio
My wife of 47+ years died at home with me at her side, on November 12, 2010. She and I, together with our children and many friends and relatives, fought her cancer for four years, seven months and a week. This blog acknowledges her courage and exemplary life. She taught us how to live, and she taught us how to die. The blog also honors the love she shared with everyone who knew her.I am a retired school counselor and college professor.

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APRIL 27, 2012 1:08PM

EMPTY DARKNESS

Rate: 10 Flag


I leave the land
of empty darkness
reach for the lamp
that reveals
the day ahead
where I do the things
that make me
me
where even on the cloudiest day
it is the daylight
that gives life meaning
until night
when I reach for the lamp
to enter again
the land of empty darkness
where dreams are no longer allowed.

John A. Bayerl, April 25, 2012

Sometimes, not always, I feel like this poem.  It describes what grief can feel like at times.  I feel fortunate that I am able to write about it and "share it with the world."  More and more,I find myself entering fully into life with the conviction that the more I help and love others the stronger I will become.  I suppose it's the old truism that the more we give the more we get, but it feels much more real than those trite words.  It's good to be in this transition stage and exciting to see what may be next.

Dear, you always brought life to my life; there was never any empty darkness.


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John, that's a lovely poem, which we don't usually say about grief, but it also has hope in it because you're still getting up every day. Good to be moving forward, isn't it.
just phyllis
April 27, 2012 06:41 PM
It is hard to make grief look pretty, isn't it, Phyllis. Thanks for getting it. Peace.
John A Bayerl
April 27, 2012 07:02 PM
Lovely poem, hint of sad but promising hope
M. C. S.
April 27, 2012 07:43 PM
It's the mood I was in, Mary, sad but hopeful. Not a bad place to be.
John A Bayerl
April 27, 2012 09:39 PM
John,that is the meaning of life for me your...."Dear, you always brought life to my life; there was never any empty darkness."An admirable work..rated with thank you for sharing.
Stathi Stathi
April 27, 2012 09:45 PM
Stathi, I vacillated for a long time about whether to say "light to my life," thank you for validating my choice of the word " life," in the final analysis that really is what love does.
John A Bayerl
April 27, 2012 10:16 PM
Such balance and passion in your words and thoughts.
Well well done!
J D Smith
April 27, 2012 10:32 PM
This poem makes me think of bravery...and faith, too. Your words here are uplifting...once you have light in your life, you make it brighter when you spread it.
catch-22
April 27, 2012 10:40 PM
Thanks, J. D., your words mean a lot to me.
John A Bayerl
April 27, 2012 10:44 PM
catch-22, honestly, I am so grateful for the light that OS and all you caring, compassionate contributors shine on my life. Who knew?
John A Bayerl
April 27, 2012 10:46 PM
John, I think this might be my favourite of your poems to date. Balance is what came to mind for me as I read and I can see that JD comments on that too. Every day perhaps can be a struggle to balance our lives ... for some more than most. The dark depth of sadness and the light of hope .... the pain of what is and the glory of what can be.

John, you light up the world of so many I am sure ... but this I know ... you are a shining light in my world.
Little Kate
April 28, 2012 12:05 AM
I like your use of the lamp ; that you can turn it on ; turn it off.
That it regulates your day ; that you control the switch ; that it's within reach, in the darkness. & it reminds you of her.
Kim Gamble
April 28, 2012 02:19 AM
As always, Kate, I am honored and flattered by your comments.
John A Bayerl
April 28, 2012 07:36 AM
Kim, I like your comments about the voluntary nature of light and darkness; hadn't thought about it that way before. Also, there is the light that comes from artists like you, how we are all enlightened by the outpourings from heart and soul that are posted here each day, and always there is the light of faith.
John A Bayerl
April 28, 2012 07:40 AM
Those first moments of the day can be difficult depending on what is happening in our lives. I'm glad those moments are feeling better for you. Your poem expresses the transitions of life so beautifully. R
Rita Bourland
April 28, 2012 11:24 AM
For better or worse we promise. The best part of being married is waking in the middle of the night and hearing soft breathing or a warm foot beside you, knowing you are not alone in the darkness. Sometimes that alone has kept me going till the next day. I feel the ache here and have felt a similar one when separated from home but I know the one you must feel John, is an empty that there is no real words for.
rita shibr
April 28, 2012 11:41 AM
Reaching for the lamp ... sometimes the longest reaching of all ...
anna1liese
April 28, 2012 03:58 PM
Thanks for stopping by, and for your comments, Rita. Gosh, now i have two Ritas to love and respect:)
John A Bayerl
April 28, 2012 04:24 PM
First love Rita:) your empathy is always so welcome and right on, and you express it so well. Thanks.
John A Bayerl
April 28, 2012 04:27 PM
Anna, you are so right about how sometimes it is such a long reach for that lamp. Then there are times, like this one, when the lamp is close at hand. . . Thanks.
John A Bayerl
April 28, 2012 04:34 PM
Life is so simply like this - a co-mingling of light and dark...yet experiencing it, feeling it, is so far and away removed from "simple." R
Michelle Coulter
April 29, 2012 09:34 AM
Michelle,

Very insightful of you. The death of my beloved has in many ways made life so much more complex while simultaneously reducing it to its simplest form.

Thanks for stopping by. Peac.
John A Bayerl
April 29, 2012 09:46 AM