Musings on the Death of My Perfect Partner

Fresh from Birch Creek

John A Bayerl

John A Bayerl
Location
Ann Arbor, Michigan, USA
Birthday
May 30
Bio
My wife of 47+ years died at home with me at her side, on November 12, 2010. She and I, together with our children and many friends and relatives, fought her cancer for four years, seven months and a week. This blog acknowledges her courage and exemplary life. She taught us how to live, and she taught us how to die. The blog also honors the love she shared with everyone who knew her.I am a retired school counselor and college professor.

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MARCH 28, 2012 1:13PM

ENTERING MACY'S

Rate: 5 Flag


The last time I was at Macy’s
She was with me
in a wheel chair
now I’m ready to go there again
alone.

Or am I?

Maybe, if I avoid
Petite Women’s Clothing
especially the chair by the dressing room
Children’s Clothing
it’s OK to spoil them rotten
Cosmetics
Youth Dew Powder
Lingerie
need I say more?

Should have known
they’re having a clearance sale
on sweet memories.

I'll leave the way I came in
down the long hallway
where the restrooms are
I'll be safe
walking through there
sad
but safe.

John A. Bayerl, March 28, 2012


Yesterday, while I was at the Apple Store at the mall, getting help with unfreezing my i-Pod, I saw the entrance to Macy's Department Store, and all the sweet memories came flooding in.  I notice that I now call them sweet memories.

Lately I've been in a strangely suspended state of being.  Leaving something, heading for something new.  I told a friend about this, and added that it would be easier if I were younger.  Change is hard at any age.  Remember; we don't fear change, we fear loss.  Then there's that saying about the more things change the more they stay the same.  You've always loved paradoxes; tolerate the ambiguity.

This I know for sure,  Dear; the gift of love we shared never changes.

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Quite touching. You have my sympathy. I hope you continue to draw comfort from your memories. I just read a novel, AN AVAILABLE MAN, by Hilma Wolitzer that was very good in capturing the pain of a man's loss after a long and satisfying marriage. However, my criticism of the book has to do with his dating life, and even the assumption that he needed to date.
Pam Malone
March 28, 2012 04:35 PM
One is never the same following a great love and a great loss
~R~
M. C. S.
March 28, 2012 06:47 PM
They're sweet to read. I'm glad they're feeling sweet to you too.
jlsathre
March 28, 2012 08:37 PM
Pam, how nice of you to visit. I've just begun experimenting with the "dating life." Thanks for your tip about the book, I'm still too close to my own grief to be able to empathize with another in my situation.
John A Bayerl
March 28, 2012 11:13 PM
You speak the truth, as usual, M. C. S.
John A Bayerl
March 28, 2012 11:13 PM
jl, yes, they are beginning to feel sweet, although today I've felt the loss more poignantly than in a long time.
John A Bayerl
March 28, 2012 11:15 PM
I think the reason we fear change is that we fear uncertainty: the disequilibrium of exploring new ground. Only some of us are bold enough to be intrepid explorers.

"Should have known / they’re having a clearance sale /on sweet memories." Great lines!
AtHomePilgrim
March 29, 2012 06:54 AM
ahp, you are right, of course, it is the disequilibrium that makes most of us feel unsteady at best. To those who say get used to the new normal I say the new normal is never being normal again.
John A Bayerl
March 29, 2012 07:56 AM
Change ... especially letting go ... is one of the hardest things to do ... but perhaps it helps to know that there will always be that very special place in our heart where we will forever hold a truly special love.
Little Kate
March 29, 2012 01:47 PM