Musings on the Death of My Perfect Partner

Fresh from Birch Creek

John A Bayerl

John A Bayerl
Location
Ann Arbor, Michigan, USA
Birthday
May 30
Bio
My wife of 47+ years died at home with me at her side, on November 12, 2010. She and I, together with our children and many friends and relatives, fought her cancer for four years, seven months and a week. This blog acknowledges her courage and exemplary life. She taught us how to live, and she taught us how to die. The blog also honors the love she shared with everyone who knew her.I am a retired school counselor and college professor.

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MARCH 1, 2012 3:30PM

The Promise

Rate: 9 Flag


  (by Marian Olson)

Pain issues from a fractured soul,
the broken root of the tree.
Tomorrow new leaves and buds
will bubble out of the
appearance of the dead branches,
not because we stop grieving,
not because we know how,
not because we are worthy,
but because that is the way of life,
the grace of pulse for every living being.

A friend sent this poem to me today, and it is a perfect fit for my life at present. How lovely are these words: "not because we stop grieving,
not because we know how,
not because we are worthy,
but because that is the way of life,"
These words speak to me about the inevitability of life--and death.  And so it goes on and on.

Today is also one of those days when I paused to consider just what may still lie ahead for me.  When my cardiologist had me take a stress test a couple of weeks ago the results showed some sort of an abnormality, and for a variety of reasons,  he wanted to check things out with a heart catherization.  Bright and early this morning son John delivered me to the Imaging Center at the hospital, and before noon the results were in.  Everything is fine, and I am once again free to ponder what the future holds for me.

Today, Dear, I thought of asking the doctor who looked around my heart with his fiber optic wire whether he saw the big hole you left there.  He wouldn't have seen it had I asked; only your and I are able to see that particular "grace of pulse for every living being."





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Thanks for this sharing. I think I need a stress, too. I have intermittent chest pains (not severe), and the last two times I exercised I got dizzy. I would like to have that catherization.

You're a good man.
Patrick Frank
March 01, 2012 05:00 PM
Thanks for the compliment, Patrick. By all means, get that stress test done, and if necessary the catherization.
John A Bayerl
March 01, 2012 05:21 PM
We're often in the woods (such as they are) around here, and I'm always taken with the sight of new life springing from the old. It seems a metaphor, in a way, for our journey 'twixt heaven and hell: Life endures.
Boanerges1
March 01, 2012 05:22 PM
I'm having trouble with the 'life goes on' bit myself. It just seems like the world should lurch when someone grand passes away.

Take care.
just phyllis
March 01, 2012 05:33 PM
Know just what you mean, Boanerges, well said about the metaphor for the time we spend betwixt heaven and hell.
John A Bayerl
March 01, 2012 06:04 PM
Even now Phyllis, almost 16 months after Gwen's death, I still walk into a mall or grocery store, look see all the people going about their business, and think to myself, "don't they know?"
John A Bayerl
March 01, 2012 06:06 PM
Waves of life and death all around us. You write so well and thank you for that. It is amazing how the memories swirl around us and get inside our body too. The stress of it all can be uncomfortable and it is showing us that none of us get out of here alive. Yet I think we come back again and again in different forms. I would really like to believe that.
zanelle
March 01, 2012 06:18 PM
Gosh, Zanelle, your spirituality is an inspiration to all who read you.
John A Bayerl
March 01, 2012 06:21 PM
I'm glad you are looking after yourself, it is very important. There is a stress test and then there is THE stress test. I know well the hole in the heart...I illustrated it in one of my blogs.
BuffyW
March 01, 2012 06:39 PM
I'm glad that your tests showed fine results. There are holes and broken lines no one can see, and they are ours to know and cherish.
My mother closed her heart towards living after my father passed away 16 years ago. I hope you won't do that. Live for both Gwen and her beautiful memory. Take care, John.
R♥
FusunA
March 01, 2012 06:58 PM
Thanks for your kind and understanding words, Buffy. I'm glad that you have kept on living and making a life for yourself--YAY!
John A Bayerl
March 01, 2012 07:23 PM
Such wise advice, Funsun, it makes me sad to hear about your mom, but, believe me, I can understand; the temptation to curl up on the couch and suck your thumb is always there. I don't know how people do it without the friendship and tremendous resource pool that OS provides. It's a blessing.
John A Bayerl
March 01, 2012 07:26 PM
I'm so glad all checked out well, John...
Life does insist on carrying on, doesn't it? This reminds me of part of Kahlil Gibran's quote, when he is speaking of children:
"They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself..."
His thoughts on Love are too long for here, but your love for Gwen reminds me as well...
Just Thinking...
March 01, 2012 11:49 PM
Love your quote from Gibran, J. T. and this part later in the poem: You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
John A Bayerl
March 02, 2012 08:19 AM
I am so very glad to read that all is okay, John.

Take care. Be well.
Little Kate
March 02, 2012 09:40 PM
You honor your wife with your writings and you honor her with continuing the life she didn't want to leave. Keep taking care of yourself and keep up the lovely writing. They're both inspiring.
jlsathre
March 02, 2012 09:47 PM
Thanks for the good wishes, Kate. Always a cheery smile from you.
John A Bayerl
March 02, 2012 10:17 PM
Thanks, jlsathre, I still miss Gwen every single moment of every single day, but writing and friends that I find on OS help so much. Wish all of you could have met her.
John A Bayerl
March 02, 2012 10:20 PM
John, that was part of our wedding ceremony, husband's and mine...my best girlfriend read that 'poem' as we had kids already, and Husband's best friend (besides each other best friends...) read the one about 'speak to me of marriage'...we still try to "stand together yet not too near together: for the pillars of the Temple stand apart and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."
You've inspired me to take my beloved copy of The Prophet off my bookshelf again! Thanks : )
...and I wish we all could have met Gwen too...
Just Thinking...
March 05, 2012 01:25 AM
J. T., thank you for your reminder of how important it is to honor our good memories.
John A Bayerl
March 05, 2012 07:58 AM