Beth Mann's Blog

Beth's Urban Tales of Wonder and Decay

Beth Mann

Beth Mann
Long Beach Island, New Jersey, USA
November 11
Hot Buttered Media
I'm a writer and creative consultant. I have years of experimental comedy and strange theater under my belt. I surf. I cook. I love wine, men and song. And puppies. I effin' love puppies.

This 2010, I resolve to:

Give Southern Comfort another fighting chance since that 1989 "incident".

Use new vulgarities instead of my old standbys. Cunt off, freakfuck!

Laugh in the face of others, with reckless abandon.

Purge only the inexpensive food.

Work on sharper, wittier retorts with deadlyRead full post »



Our next installation of Silly Lists of Nothingness includes perplexing phrases that never really made sense. Sure, they probably stem from the Middle Ages or whatever - but the point is, we're still baffled.

And no, we don't want any explanations, thank you. We pre…

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DECEMBER 1, 2009 4:07PM

A Death in Elsewhen


They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night. In their gray visions they obtain glimpses of eternity and thrill, in waking to find they have been upon the verge of the great secret.

-Edgar Allan Poe

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Editor’s Pick
NOVEMBER 18, 2009 12:52PM

The Dokken Factor and Other Dating Deal Breakers

First dates are up there with anal fissures in the pleasure department but they must be endured. (How else do you get to the sex?) Unfortunately, “deal breakers” may occur on… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
NOVEMBER 9, 2009 6:25PM

The Sexiest Men in Rock & Roll - A Scientific Study




"You want this."

Some think sexiness is in the eye of the beholder. But is it? Here at Silly Lists of Nothingness, we say its an exacting science that can be proved in labs with women in white coats using complex formulas that are beyond you,…

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Editor’s Pick
OCTOBER 27, 2009 10:19PM

In Bed with the Devil (One Last Time)


“So how’s it feel having sex with a dead man?”

“Good,” I gasp. “Very, very good.”

We laugh at the gallows’s humor. We can make jokes while having sex. We’re at that point with one another.

Soon the laughing makes way to sighs and moan…

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Editor’s Pick
OCTOBER 22, 2009 10:30AM

Famous Fights that Never Happened - Cash vs. Sinatra

The Rules:

1. Two celebrities face-off in an imaginary fight.
2. Both are in their prime.
3. No weapons can be used.

Let's start the match, shall we?

In this corner, standing at 5'8, is Frank Sinatra.

Points in Sinatra's Favor:

Editor’s Pick
OCTOBER 14, 2009 1:23PM

Heathlike & Me

I don’t even like Heath Ledger. But there he is, kneeling over me in bed, his shirt unbuttoned, wondering what to do next. Well, I can’t be sure it’s actually him. He is very Heathlike, that’s for sure. And that is good enough for me.

We are friends. I don’… Read full post »


Are you the workhorse in most of your relationships? Are you initiating almost every conversation and maintaining every connection in your life? Are you sick and tired of the one-sidedness and unrequitedness of it all?

Yes, it's as if you’ve been doing this mad juggling act…

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Editor’s Pick
OCTOBER 1, 2009 9:10AM

12 Myths about Men and Women Debunked with my Little Hammer

Whenever someone starts a sentence with “Men are…” or “Women always…”, I cringe. Sweeping generalizations about the sexes are silly at this point. We’re all bleeding into one another, changing, morphing. Plus, these stereotypes tend to be sexi… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
SEPTEMBER 21, 2009 11:56AM

Love Means....

I’m not sure why you stopped talking to me. It happened slowly, methodically, like rust. There was no big fall-out, no noteworthy event. Suddenly, you and I were no longer speaking. The divide formed.

Women are weird. They’re passivity runs deep. But you and I are different. We&rsqu… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
SEPTEMBER 8, 2009 12:24PM

Your Child is Annoying, Now Pay Me

Unchecked children drive me nuts. When I have to tell someone's kid to rein it in, I want to send a bill to the parents for services rendered. So when I went to the block party at the end of the street this Labor Day weekend, the last thing I wanted… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
SEPTEMBER 3, 2009 8:25AM

24 People Who Look Like they Sound

This week's Silly List of Nothingness is composed of people (and some non-people) who look like they're supposed to. They were named correctly. You look at them and say, "Yep, that sounds about right."

Contributions by Ms. Ruby Lawrence.

1. Bob Seger


2. Margaret Thatcher

3. AbrahamRead full post »

AUGUST 29, 2009 9:11AM

The Surf Tournament - The Day After

So if you've kept up with my last two posts, you'll know that I recently competed in The Coquina Jam, an all-female surf competition held at the Jersey shore. Loaded with worry and self-doubt, I almost pulled out. Luckily, I stuck it out and experienced the thrill of victory and the

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AUGUST 26, 2009 2:49PM

The Surfing Competition - The Day of




I've always been amazed and often disturbed by the ways people send you messages - the real messages they want to send your way, whether conscious or not. Nowhere has this been more evident as of late than with this upcoming surf competition at 5:00 today.

I've… Read full post »

Let this not be me!

I am filled with a mild case of dread. (Can one have a mild case of dread or is that like suffering from a slight bout of terror?) Tomorrow, I will compete in an all-female surf tournament at the Jersey shore at 5 pm EST.
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Editor’s Pick
AUGUST 22, 2009 11:55AM

Small Gestures, Small Flowers


Mark Dixon's "Two Friends"

Clint came over for coffee yesterday morning.

I had just returned from a brief trip back to my hometown to see some old friends. Emotionally fragile, I tried my best to engage in conversation with them and listen to their stories, though my

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Editor’s Pick
AUGUST 10, 2009 11:22AM

It All Went Downhill When...

1. We Stopped Bagging our Own Groceries   

It may have been different where you came from, but where I grew up, we worked with the cashier. It was our food after all and besides, it saved time for you, the cashier and the poor sap behind you. Now people… Read full post »

AUGUST 8, 2009 12:00PM

Amanda Dreams

Amanda dreams of riding undulating silver worms in the desert. She is wearing ornate filigree glasses and talks with Egyptian women, somehow knowing the language. She has wild orgies with ever-changing partners. She is suddenly a man, then back to a woman, then a man again. Body parts are made… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
JULY 23, 2009 3:49PM

Date This

Being “set up” with someone has unnerved me since my dating life began. I’ve never been open to matchmaking and probably never will. Perhaps it shows a real closed-mindedness on my behalf. More likely, I just find it to be a waste of time.

Why? Undoubtedly (andRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
JULY 17, 2009 12:04PM

How to Ace a Job Interview


How to Ace a Job Interview by Beth Mann from Beth Mann on Vimeo.

From 1999 - 2006, a group of friends and I worked on an experimental comedy show called Thrush TV. It was very lo-fi, guerrilla style videomaking. We were mainly performers, not filmmakers! Most of… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
JUNE 20, 2009 7:27PM

Who's your Daddy and Why Did He Leave You?


Paul E. Mann

Dear Dad:

I haven't spoken with you in so long. Things are such a mess. And I need your help.

I seem to be crying too much, feeling overwhelmed and broken. I don't really think anyone cares about me. Everyone will say they do...but they don't. Not…

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 I have been surfing for about 7 years now. Taught myself.

It's a very difficult sport to master and I'm not even close to where I want to be. But I work on it, constantly. I surf because it maintains my sanity. Without it, I'm left swimming in a sea of dark… Read full post »

As I watched Law & Order, Criminal Intent, last night, I thought long and hard about Vincent Donofrio. He's a fine actor. More than fine - he's a very good actor. But he's a little annoying, with his over the top mannerisms and twitchy idiosyncrasies.

I fantasized about directing him… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
JUNE 9, 2009 8:46AM

Perfunctory Sex with Jared Leto

(As 14 of you may know from my previous post, I magically created actor/singer Jared Leto out of thin air with my supernatural abilities, only to send him running because of my rudeness and general lack of caring. Well, last week, Jared forgave me and asked me out to dinner. IRead full post »