Beth Mann's Blog

Beth's Urban Tales of Wonder and Decay

Beth Mann

Beth Mann
Location
Long Beach Island, New Jersey, USA
Birthday
November 11
Title
Presidente
Company
Hot Buttered Media
Bio
I'm a writer and creative consultant. I have years of experimental comedy and strange theater under my belt. I surf. I cook. I love wine, men and song. And puppies. I effin' love puppies.



I'm SO going to sue you for this.


1. Back in the day, you could eat bacon freely. It was the world’s tastiest meat product and we celebrated it, proudly. Now, we have to watch out for nitrates, fat and salt - not to mention the pig’s welfare. Back in the… Read full post »

Who's your daddy? If you're lucky, it would be any of these sexy paternal types:


1. Atticus Finch:













Daddy personified, I'd like to forcibly remove Scout out of this porch scene and replace her with a 43-year old me.


2. Pa Ingalls























I've heard rumors that Michael Landon was a bit of a hard-ass… Read full post »

OCTOBER 28, 2010 4:35PM

I Like the Pie

 

 


I like the pie. And that’s why I couldn’t give it to the old lady.

Marjorie is 85 and lives down the street from me. She makes me things and gives me things. I, in turn, move large things for her and remove opossums from her… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
OCTOBER 6, 2010 11:12PM

The Reduction of Rachel

When I first watched Glee, I felt giddy. Unabashedly expressive, darkly humorous...it was an earnest program with a heart.

And yes, I'm talking in past tense. The Hollywood machine ate the show for brunch and bulimically purged it into the pretty mess we now have before us.… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 25, 2010 7:31PM

In Reaction to your Idiotic Comment

 

Don’t try to change me.

 

He says. Drunk, on replay, repeating the same old warning.

 

Don't try to change me. 

 

My dear, when you have so little to offer, what is there really to change? 

 

Don't try to change me.  

 

As Max kissed Sandra's soft, white neck, she moaned quietly with excitement. He bit and licked his way slowly downward, her hips bucking gently in anticipation. Sandra breathed deeply, wanting to drink in every moment of his wandering mouth on her taut body.

When Max reached her hips, she could… Read full post »

AUGUST 22, 2010 6:13PM

All the Dresses in the World

 

 

I'm naked in an upscale clothing store in New York City.

My wealthy friend Thomas is buying a fancy Italian shirt. He buys clothing on a whim. We're going out tonite and he wants to wear something nice.

I browse the men's clothes with him, careful not to drift over to… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
AUGUST 10, 2010 11:58PM

Where's my Evacuation Chute?



If you're anything like me, first off, good luck. It's no easy feat.

Secondly, you smiled big and hard when you read the story about Jet Blue's flight attendant Steven Slater and his dramatic dispute with a passenger. According to The New York Times:

Mr. Slater instructed the person to remain… Read full post »
Editor’s Pick
JULY 28, 2010 6:07PM

The Case Against Placebo Boyfriends

 


I don't think I've ever tittered before. I'm not even sure what a titter is. But when the question hit me, that's what I began to do.

"Why don't we just have sex? Right now."

Clint and I don't have sex. He and his brothers live down the street and serve… Read full post »

(I wrote this for my writing class and figured I'd share it with old hats like you, who already practice much of what I preach.)

 

 

 









Okay, so my online writing hasn't made me millions. But I've received a good deal of attention, with…

Read full post »















I often ponder whether I should say something. Or perhaps it’s best to let sleeping dogs lie. Though it's not her fault, I continue to blame her - every day of my goddamn life.

Pam told me to buy a “better” coffeemaker. You’re not in college anymore, she said. Don… Read full post »

JULY 4, 2010 6:59PM

Karaoke as Cheap Therapy

 

 

"I think it heals the soul," she whispers, as if a secret.

"I think it does too, Aunt." I reply.

My Aunt Mary Lou and I are on the phone. We're talking about singing instead of addressing her daughter, who is dying of cancer. My aunt needs a break.

"Do you still… Read full post »

JUNE 22, 2010 5:07PM

Pussy on a Platter

 

"You know what your problem is?"

"What?"

"You're giving your pussy away on a platter."

"I'm what?"

"You're coming across as desperate."

"I am desperate!"

My soon-to-be-ex friend Clint is explaining to me in his inimitable way that giving some guy my number last week went a little too far.

"I…

Read full post »

 



Dear Alice:

My boyfriend says he wants to start seeing other people. I think it’s the beginning of the end while he thinks this will open us up to "more of life’s possibilities." What do you think?

~ Desperate in Delaware


Dear Desperate:


Tell him you’d like to start see… Read full post »

MAY 31, 2010 6:24PM

Doing Stuff is Overrated

 


















“Don't underestimate the value of doing nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear and not bothering.” ~ Winnie the Pooh


I like doing nothing. Sometimes its frowned upon and I’m not sure why. Doing nothing is relaxing, fun and easy.

Doin… Read full post »

MAY 11, 2010 3:49PM

Rise!

 

rise

The first time I died in my sleep, I was a child. Someone knocked me on the head in my dream and I began rising quickly, into the air. A little voice whispered urgently, Don’t go any higher or you can’t come back! Shaken, I willed myself to… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
APRIL 30, 2010 7:02AM

Men you Forgot were Hot


The scientists at Silly Lists of Nothingness have been plugging tirelessly away at yet another ridiculous list for your review. This week, Dr. Ruby Lawrence and Dr. Beth Mann spent nearly two hours in the lab, dissecting photographs of hot men in the name of science.

Now, we're not talking about… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
APRIL 22, 2010 5:14PM

Boobquake and the Cutefication of Feminism

 

 

Over coffee this morning, I saw a few FB posts from female friends, excited about showing off some cleavage for "Boobquake" this Monday. While I wanted to be happy about some counterculture movement, this one just made me sigh.

In case you haven't heard, Boobquake was started by…

Read full post »

Comments are now closed for this post.
Editor’s Pick
APRIL 6, 2010 5:49PM

Words are Alive

guarded-heart-beth-mann

"Words are alive. Cut them and they bleed."
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
  

 

Yesterday, I had a conversation with an old boyfriend. He said I was the first to say, "I love you." I vaguely remember him initiating it. The debate bordered on an argument and I couldn't help… Read full post »

MARCH 28, 2010 9:23AM

Mr. Shuffles Makes me Smile

 


Mr. Shuffles is a miracle elephant.

After almost 2 years in his mother's womb, the vets could find no vital signs and he was presumed to be stillborn.

At a press conference, the staff at Taronga Zoo in Australia announced the sad news.

Photo: Dean Sewell

But
Read full post »
Editor’s Pick
MARCH 14, 2010 7:28PM

15 Reasons Television Doesn't Suck Anymore

 I turned my back on television many years ago. Sitcoms, reality TV, annoying commercials - the sheer stupidity of it all seemed too pervasive to overlook. But in the last few years, there's a crop of programs that have me thinking twice. These shows have an almost cinematic quality - beautifull… Read full post »

MARCH 10, 2010 5:24PM

Godless in IHOP

 

 

Me at IHOP a few mornings ago. I'm the one upside down, naked and falling.
 

I heard the calling while driving home from Philadelphia a few mornings ago. I had attended a show at Johnny Brenda’s the night before and stayed over night at a… Read full post »

MARCH 3, 2010 4:07PM

Environmental Soul Repair

I take her for a walk a few times a week. I have for years now. It's the only time she feels her "old self again" she says.

She's recovering from some injuries so she walks slowly. She's always going on about wanting to run again, like me...but I don't know if… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
FEBRUARY 20, 2010 9:42AM

How I Met Edgar Allan Poe



The "Ultima Thule" portrait by Sarah Helen Whitman,
taken 11 months before he died.



“Is that the guy who likes to have sex with dead women?” my boyfriend asks.

“No, I think that’s just a myth.”

“Do you want another line?”

“When I’m done. I… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 15, 2010 9:10PM

18 Things that are Wonderfully Awful



You love it, you hate it. You love it and hate it at the same moment.


1. Arugula
2. Cough Syrup
3. Pain
4. Funions
5. The Truth
6. Public Access Television
7. Cigarettes
8. Watching Someone Slip & Fall
9. Being Tickled
10. Bill Clinton
11. Scotch
12. Lifetime Movie Events
13. Splinter Removal

14. WasabiRead full post »