“Are you calling me a liar?” I asked the stone-faced 20-something cashier.
“No, I’m just saying that lots of customers tell us a price is cheaper than it is."
“So you are calling me a liar. The cabbage is 69 cents a pound. Check it if you don’t believe me. But don’t question my honesty.”
“I can have someone check the…”
“No. It’s frigging cabbage. I’ll live without it.”
He removes it from my tab. As I finish bagging my groceries, the raging goes on inside my head. I decide to let the words fall out of my mouth instead - and rather loudly, surprising even me:
“Seriously, in all of the years I’ve come to this grocery megahell, do you think I’ve ever been undercharged for anything?
At this point, other cashiers and shoppers are staring at me. My face reddens but instead of looking down, I look back at them. Everyone quickly looks away, one at a time.
"This corporate system is designed to overcharge me. Hence why I know the price of the damn cabbage in the first place.”
I walk out, head up. But in my car, it’s a different story. My hands are shaking and I’m on the verge of tears. I begin to feel badly for the cashier, who was a clueless recipient of my ire.
Apologize. I should apologize.
Ah, that tired, old mantra. As a woman and recovering ex-Catholic, I’ve apologized well beyond my fair share. And if I didn’t apologize, I experienced the wrath of its ugly stepsister: guilt.
What if I lived unapologetically? What if I transformed into a full-fledged, raging hot bitch?
I reflect back on the supermarket scene. It certainly did feel good to simply raise my voice. To be loud.
It also felt decadently defiant to look back into the eyes of everyone staring at me, as if to say, “Back off with your critical stares or you’re next, bitches.” I had a Clint Eastwood moment.
What if unhinged the bitch even more? What if I truly spoke my mind?
Just what we need, right? Another rude, uncaring, entitled person in this world thinking the world should accommodate them. With some thought, I began to realize that wasn’t possible. Why? Because I am a caring and sensitive person. But could I be a caring and sensitive bitch?
My gal friend is upset that her family didn’t contact her over the holidays. I ask her how she conveyed that to them. Her phonecall went something like this:
“Wow, you guys must have been really busy over Christmas. I didn’t hear from you and I thought something might be wrong. Then I figured you just must have been busy. It’s the holidays, afterall.”
This is how she told it to me, over a few drinks:
“Do I fucking exist or what? They couldn’t show me the goddamn respect to connect with me for once? I’m the only living daughter on my side of the family. Why do I have to do all the reaching out? I’m sick of it. I’m fucking sick of it.”
A substantial difference in tone, you'll note. Should she have opted for version 2? Not necessarily. But version 1 is much more nefarious and soul-sucking - and that’s the one “good women” often choose.
Does unleashing ever have its place?
As women, we do the opposite of unleashing. We internalize. It’s shocking how many times we question and admonish ourselves, over the slightest “infractions.” Many feminist theories postulate that those socially-induced insecurities are meant to keep our mouths shut and our feet in cement. We’re too busy yelling at ourselves to yell at others. Too busy internally debating to take a step forward.
Like many others, several people close to me have died of cancer. I have no damn clue whether internalized anger manifests itself in the form of cancer. But I’ll take my stab in the dark and say that it sure doesn’t help.
In their honor, I continue to unhinge the bitch. More frequently, I let her roam free, express herself and breathe a little easier. She gets to laugh in the face of a difficult situation, instead of caving in on herself like a house of cards.
Could I ever utter the following?
“I don’t like talking to you. I wish you’d go away.”
“Don’t ignore me. I don’t appreciate it.”
“Stop interrupting. I’m speaking right now.”
“I think you’re lying.”
"Stop staring at me. I find it invasive."
“You’re being controlling and I’m a big girl so knock it the hell off.”
"I wasn't asking your opinion."
“You sound like a baby. It’s annoying.”
“Your constant need for attention is tiresome.”
“Your emotionally avoidant behavior leaves me utterly unfulfilled.”
“You’re interrupting us. How about you wait a second?”
Well, I have. And not just to those close to me (whom we all can unleash on – and how fair is that? Spread your bitchiness around so your loved ones get more love.)
One could argue that these utterances are cruel or could be delivered in a better fashion. And one would be right! But what if I don’t feel like being right? I’ve been right for decades now and still feel wrong entirely too much of the time. Being right and good is a never-ending battle which women are predetermined losers.
A bitch is a female dog, right? A dog is an animal. And when I become a bitch, I'm closer to my animal self. And I like it. It feels impulsive, raw and primal. Fight-ready and messy. Sexual and unbridled.
Two of the biggest insults that can be hurled at women? "You're a whore" or "You're a crazy bitch." I've yet to figure out what a whore is (other than a perfectly reasonable profession where women get paid more than men for once.)
You're a crazy bitch then! The underlying message: Stay tame. Shut up. Don't act wild. You might be a force to be reckoned with. You might get somewhere. The last time it was hurled my way, I responded, "You ain't see nothing yet." And they hadn't. Because I haven't. She's evolving. She's new.
At heart, I will always be a kind person. I know no other way. But there’s more to me than kindness. And this seemingly backward path to transformation fits me well, like a coat of fur, or a set of fangs. Like ragged claws or a gutteral growl. Like a bite.
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Margaret Hawke
500words
Beth Winegarner
BellemeadeBooks
Are You Talking French?
Lisbeth Cheever-Gessaman
Salon.com
Comments
I'm hoping as more women enter the higher positions of government, this will change. It is progressive, and it is just.
I also understand how unleashing our thoughts in a pubic venue can leave you with that irresolute feeling. I call it a metallic feeling, like a bell that thuds instead of ringing clearly. the bad feelings can sometimes haunt you, and that is all too human and shows genuine underlying tenderness.
I got tired of being the predetermined loser. For decades I've heard I'm too kind and it's because I like the way I feel when I'm kind, helpful and make others feel good. I like the way I feel when others are good to me or other people.
The light went on that I was wasting a huge amount of energy on those who don't appreciate or return it (energy vampires). Energy is precious and it was draining. The behavior I have now is a return of the treatment someone else gives me or others. Since it's what they prefer, I treat bitches and assholes the way they treat others.
I'm now comfortable telling people what I find offensive about their behavior and that I dislike them, or in lesser situations that I dislike their behavior please stop or go away. It's unlikely you're going to turn into a bad person, you are who you choose to be.
Great post, thank you for putting this into words so well.
“Back off with your critical stares or you’re next, bitches.” I had a Clint Eastwood moment.
I like that. Docile it's not.
Thanks for the encouragement
ratd with love
I feel ya on the bitch-switch scenario. While I'm not one of those apologists whose impulses are to make nice, I will say I'm sorry rather than continue to argue incessantly which most often expedites other more important oustanding issues that deserve attention.
Sounds like the cashier you came across needs some customer service training.
FWIW, I've referred to what some of your talking about as "the bitch switch".... ;)
I don't often make New Year resolutions, but this year I resolved to be kinder to myself and take care of me, finally, after a lifetime of nurturing others, and part of that is SPEAKING UP FOR MYSELF, SAYING WHAT I REALLY FEEL, MAKING MYSELF HEARD and letting go of FEAR of rocking the fucking boat!
I applaud your "bitchiness" and I'm right there with you.
xo
r
A coworker complimented me a few days later at how I managed my composure and appeared in control.
Go figure. It probably wasn't as bad as you thought. Many who were watching probably wish they could say what you said.
I always have Jack Nicholson's voice in my head after I've given someone my truth.
Great piece of writing, Beth. And full of truth. ~r
With a little bit of imagining these situations and practicing the one-off version of "bitch" you not only get the point across, but you force the subject of your ire to consider themselves for a moment (although in some cases, that's a lost cause). Point here: There's a lot more power in illuminating bad behavior and injustice than in just reacting to it and the ability to make it the butt of humor (as in alsoknownas's example) doesn't hurt.
R!
(it's not for every situation, but when the time is right, and you'll know when that time is, "somebody shut that cunt up before I come over there and fuck-start her head" - 'cause if you're packing bitch ammo, you need a bitch nuke every once in a while.)
I've been called a crazy bitch a few times and opened my big mouth a few times too often as well.
In latter years I've tried not to blow as I get sick of feeling guilty and came to the conclusion I end up hurting more than anyone else involved.
But you're damned right. Even if internalising doesn't cause cancer it's extremely harmful to our health and welfare and I think you've just inspired me to say it as it is. Thanks.
GREAT post.
He's not responsible for your Catholic up-bringing or the Pope or your gender or the price of cabbage, just his job.
By all means let loose, just not at the slaves.
Then there's the line we used to use in the band: "Why don't you leave us alone, mister, we don't kick the shovel out of your hand while you're working." I say used to use, because that almost got the whole band killed at the Golden Horseshoe Bar in Saginaw, Michigan.
My nephew says that's been updated to "Why don't you leave us alone, mister, we don't slap the dick out of your mouth when you're working." I shudder to think where that might lead.
I once tried to cash a check drawn on Sun Bank on a busy Friday afternoon. The teller asked me to take a seat over in the corner and wait while the signature was authorized. I refused and held my place at the head of a long line.
Twenty-five minutes later, she finally gave me my money. Having gotten what I came for, I said in my loudest voice possible " That kind of crap is why Sun Bank has the sorry reputation it has in this community." As I turned to leave, much to my surprise and delight, most of the people in line applauded me.
Needless to say, a bank has serious problems when its customers applaud somebody who held up the line for twenty-five minutes to make a point about that bank's piss-poor service.
So you go ahead and let the unhinghed "bitch" out of the box. It's a sad testament in our society when the powers that be can safely and completely ignore you while you are calm and reasonable, stonewalling you and telling their underlings (who are amongst those many people who aren't going to speak out, either, by the way) to utter these phrases of condescension, pithy non-responses and "just say, 'that's not our policy,' " the whole while you're offering a fair and valid point of contention in a calm manner.
Let one voice get raised, one shout, one "God Damnit" or "Shit" slip through, let the lid to the box of the person who's pretty much fed up with being polite and ignored, and then they call security.
You should shout at the underlings, shake 'em up. Is it their fault? Not directly, but hey, they represent the place you're doing your business and you're paying for the privilige of being treated like shit?
I DON'T THINK SO!
It should be noted, I have been kicked out of several stores over time for not taking that sort of abuse. Just FYI.
As a rule, though, I advocate what I call the four Ps of customer contact. Polite, Patient and Persistent. When those don't work, getting Pissed is wholly appropriate.
Everyone should open the lid on the box that keeps that person inside who has something "else" to say on the matter, at least once in a while.
You go, Beth, scream it, shout it, shout it out loud.
I am imagining you doing that with the cabbage. My prediction: it would have been in your bag in under three minutes, no charge.
And I do get your point about being nice. It has often been to my detriment.
Healthy anger id attractive. It lures. It's not ill/vain ugh-harangue anger No. Fun.
You cuss good.
You make fun.
`
Hang with cusses.
Avoid angry/vulgar.
You know what I mean.
You feisty healthy? Yup.
You play rugby? Tackle?
You a nice "crank" to me.
I met you at a beach once?
You were fun on a beach.
You make men go grins.
That's no a impure idea.
You know what I mean.
You have a Friend too?
I mean a feisty woman?
I best go do farm chore!
Very insightful.
In terms of unexpressed emotions -- anger is usually closest to the surface.
There can be a lot underneath. I'm thinking of fear. And hurt. And vulnerability.
Getting a handle on your inner bitch is all well and good. The other stuff can sometimes get to a root cause.
Based on your examples, you do seem to have plenty of insight.
So -- it's not like you need me to point this out. It's more like there is a lot more to the submerged portion of the emotional iceberg than anger.
~R~
Babe
In
Total
Control of
Herself.
My all time favorite dogs were bitches. Nothing wrong with that.
I sure as hell can ID w/ the cohesive presentation of the facts of life here Beth and wish I used that phrase above far more often than I feel free to do. I think I'd feel a bit healthier on the mental and spiritual place and others might not feel as free to unload petty BS on me as often as they do. And when they do, I'd have that first line packed and lit, ready to fire as respectably required for dignity and self preservation, to say nothing of a little satisfaction.
Lezlie
I have been telling people for years that if they'd let me finish speaking they wouldn't have to ask so many questions. Feels pretty good.
This is so well written. I agree with Sheepie that there is a fine line between being assertive and being aggressive.
As a rule, I do not raise my voice, but I always get my point across.
Even though I won't raise my voice, I do sometimes really enjoy USING THE CAPS LOCK in my writing. It usually makes me feel much better. :)
V
I’ve reached a stage in my life that I just don’t care.
I say what I have to, when I have to.
With a screw you tone.
~R~
BUT...there's a problem with that. Making a scene in a place of business upsets management and they oblige you just to get you the hell out of there (don't want to give the rest of the customers any ideas - they might all rise up in a body and start a riot). However, regular people refuse to *understand*, no matter how detailed you get in your denunciations... You have no leverage with them....
There's a time for kindness. There's also a time for the full bore snarl.
Rated!
As people have quoted here at OS, "Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." (The Quote Investigator attributes that to the Rev. John Watson from more than a hundred years ago.) And I'd add the old saw, "Don't sweat the small stuff (everything is small stuff.)"
Easily said, and for me at least, very hard to do. But as someone rapidly approaching old age and daily pondering my own mortality, I find it worthwhile. I'd like to outlive all the jerks who treat me dismissively. Isn't that the best revenge?
arguing with the cashier at the grocery store. S/he doesn't know better, doesn't care, is paid shit, is treated like shit by management and customers alike and clearly doesn't have your maturity, social skills or education. Tearing them a new one felt good but didn't accomplish a thing.
Talk to the store manager. If you don't get satisfaction, contact the PR people at corporate HQ; tell 'em you're blogging it and naming their company. They don't like that too much. Only corporate has the ability to hire/train/manage staff that don't make us nuts.
I get it. When someone impugns my integrity (more than anything else) it is almost dangerous how angry I get in return...but that's my issue. I think Margaret's point is interesting and worth considering.
It does not take away from the larger issue. Stop being so goddamn nice. Many people don't deserve it and, from women, take it for granted.
Some quick observations:
Yes, of course, there are better ways (I stated that clearly in the piece) but often the default "swallow it" approach gets old. I'm not advising this, I'm just sick of that. It’s simply a personal choice to speak my mind in the moment more frequently.
Someone mentioned that the "slaves" shouldn't be yelled at. Well, I'm a "slave" too. If they're rude or dismissive or accusatory, they get no free pass from me. (Besides, again, I mention the kneejerk guilt I felt for letting it out on a cashier, of all people. Though trust me, I've had my fair share of confronting higher ups as well, for what its worth. I’m a no-boundary bitch.)
As for me reflecting over the "real" reason I would freak out over a head of cabbage, its not about that obviously. It was about my honesty being questioned at a store that has consistently ripped me off and expressing my dissatisfaction. The last time I checked, I had the right to free speech, so cop cars shouldn't even be brought into the equation. But see, that's the problem. It's needlessly shaming and an unnecessary warning, that anyone would even think cops should be warranted when I simply speak my mind in public. The "police" will get me, in one form or the other. Watch out!
Being kind to people is a wonderful approach. But being a bitch has its place. It’s alright to express yourself forcefully. Or stare that dismissive person in the eye, or insist on better treatment, or call someone on his or her bullshit, or simply allowing yourself to be angry without a landslide of guilt following it. The world continues to turn. And I know for myself, I feel a bit more free, more me.
I was an absolutely typical female for most of my life. Certainly it felt as if I'd internalized everything, but maybe it's just that I never punched anyone out. My childhood friend tells me I stood up for her. Okay then. Still, I accepted more than I would have liked.
Not so much anymore.
Nowadays it seems that people are sloppy, careless and quick to blame anyone else. You ask the neighbor to pick up after your dog: you're a bitch. You tell your landlord the overflowing toilet is HIS problem, not yours because no, you don't throw garbage down it and you're a bitch--or maybe a liar. You tell your boyfriend that "It didn't mean anything" in reference to his little fling doesn't cut it with you and bingo: instant bitch.
The weird thing about getting older is that people "expect" you to be a bit, er, difficult. So being an older woman (and I qualify, damn it) gives you permission to be "bitchy" I suppose. I'd love to fool people; treat someone nicely who is expecting to be yelled at for something he or she messed up, but I'm only human.
Someone once told me I don't suffer fools gladly--or idiots, or mean, hypocritical, shallow people, or the willfully ignorant. True. But there's a difference between "going off" and expressing a point of view, an honest observation, or a direct request. Whoever doesn't understand that deserves to meet my inner bitch.
I appreciate that there are others out there like me. Great writing.
I fought the law -- and you know the rest.
http://open.salon.com/blog/margaret_feike/2011/11/20/i_fought_the_law_-_and_you_know_the_rest
Truly unhinged.
It's funny how many check-out line stories I've heard. It seems ripe for the fighting.
Who was the one who mentioned the PTA moms who say rude stuff but she feels the need to be nice to because she needs to live around them? I'm running out the door and don't have time to look, but those are the VERY women who deserve a zap or two.
Listen, those types are talking anyway. Might as well do some spring cleaning. I'm not advocating going off, but simply putting them in their place in a clear fashion. That strikes at the very essence of what I'm talking about - how we have a million reasons not to speak our minds and very few to speak our minds. It can't just be high stakes. If its annoying and grating, why live with it? I've noticed that I've tried to make nice in this small town and it still effin' backfires.
Okay off to the grocery store...of all places. Wish me luck.
Going off means that you might get better treatment at that time but it is also possible that the point you are trying to make, along with expressing your anger, gets lost in dealing with the 'bitch.' I suggest be assertive, draw your line and make the issue the point rather than your behavior.
In my experience in business, men, or women, who 'go off' are not respected for it. The response from others can be fear, contempt or grudging acquiescence but no one wants to work with them.
Last, it is disappointing to see the occasional unpleasant generalizations about men, as if they are all the same and bad.
(I find it very frustrating that often, when one expresses any complaints as a female, its often turned into some form of male bigotry. I can speak from my personal experience, and I have that right; I live it every day. It doesn't have to couched just so, so as not to offend.)
To clarify, if it's going off or shutting up, yet again, I vote for the occasional going off. Is there a middle ground? Of course. That doesn't negate the need to go off sometimes. And relish in it!
I want to add an afterthought to this piece (what do you call that? Afterword? Addendum? Postscript?): what I propose is beyond bitchiness; its a revolutionary way of existing where express yourself more freely, without guilt or fear of repercussions. It could just as easily be expressed by saying something totally out of left-field, for instance, just because you feel the need. Or doing something seemingly "crazy." Its allowing a wild side to emerge for the sake of your mental and physical health.
(I find it very frustrating that often, when one expresses any complaints as a female, its often turned into some form of male bigotry. I can speak from my personal experience, and I have that right; I live it every day. It doesn't have to couched just so, so as not to offend.)"
I wasn't accusing Beth of 'going off', I was responding to the general approbation amongst the commenters of 'bitchiness' as a term and the categorization of all negative response to overt behavior as 'male bigotry.'
Increasing gender polarization doesn't make anything better except maybe your feelings in the short run.
Still, are we just supposed to hold it in? Unfortunately, the way the world turns, profiteers are counting on it. As wrong as it is.
I was here yesterday but was pressed to leave a comment as I have a work problem simmering on the burner as I write this that I'm fairly angry about. I've "lost it" (one could say) previously (and for good reason) with the boss having rather loudly and obviously voiced my opinion. He yelled back. I got an apology the next day but the situation didn't change. This time I am trying to find the middle ground again because if I blow my top this time, my job is at stake, and I like my job. It's a tight rope. we walk. I know a man in my situation would be treated differently. Thing is, I was so angry that after I said my bit, I was shaking and welled up with tears. I never wanted him to see my tears but it just happened out of frustration.
Gah! ... Anger and the workplace.
You might like this song by someone who's both sensitive and caring, and assertive: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wmwuklr7Hcw
Thing I'm finding is this - and its not such positive news - that regardless of whether you're a "bitch" or not, the positioning will remain the same. There's a dysfunction, not of your making, that will not be rectified, regardless of the "dance" you decide upon. Let's say you decide to play it totally cool, be the friendliest person in the world, then you're acting. So on top of your many roles undoubtedly at work, you get to add the stress and pain and artificiality of acting at work.
Or avoidance, which is tiresome and draining as well.
Also - and I've seen this frequently too - women often pick the low or no road in situations like this, and then they become sitting ducks. Those workplace "bitches" tend to choose more proactive and protective defenses in bad work situations to protect their ass.
I hate that feeling of letting someone see me cry when its the last thing I want to do. I'm reminded of martial arts, which I studied (and advise everyone to do at some point). When you first spar, you get so upset. You flood out. You're fighting someone after all!
But with more and more sparring, you don't get upset. You're not as overwhelmed by the situation. In short, maybe we cry because we're so unused to the practice of "mouthing off" in whatever regard, that we flood, we cry. That doesn't mean practicing with the boss. Maybe the answer is in "bitching out" somewhere else, like working out, or singing loudly, or a therapist, or a parent who made you feel similarly (via letter or whatever if you don't want to deal with them directly) or anything that feels aggressive and purging.
But the very saddest part of your story is, you're right. Had you been a man, then it would have been almost a commonplace, easily rectified over beer, blowout. The implied rules at a workplace are that men get far more temperamental latitude than women. (Guess I'm making those "generalizations" again, as a previous commenter pointed out. What happens when they're right?)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rig3tgyYiAM
Yes, I think the more we express our grievances truthfully, easier it gets; the less chances of breaking down. When I first addressed the problem with him I was coming from strong place. I did not foresee it ending in tears, but there was a lot bottled up. You know how it goes ... Thanks for the reminder, I'll (hopefully) stay strong if I decide to go for it this week.
I think you do have to pick your battles. I know that there have been times when my fatigue and exasperation about other things have made me temperamental in environments that had nothing to do with my fatigue and exasperation. And there have been times when I my anger would have been appropriate but I wasn't in the mood to be angry or confrontational. The sweet spot comes when you are able to be the Ultimate Bitch in JUST the situation where it is called for.
I think speaking out more might calm me, in the long run. But, it's very hard to strike that tone necessary. Very hard. Just yesterday, I had to push to get something that was rightfully deserved, and it was ridiculously hard to stand up for myself. I did it, but then, I went home and marveled over my own reluctance to do so. Sheesh.
Not long ago a man sat next to me on the train and started talking to me, and I just wasn't in the mood, and when he was very obviously refusing my cues (as in "I'd really like to read my book, thanks") I finally lost it and started yelling at him to just LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. And it felt fucking good. For once I got angry at the right time to the right person, which doesn't usually happen (I usually notice my anger later, when it's too late), and when I relayed it to my boyfriend, he said, "That would never happen to a man." I knew that, of course, but it struck me how often the very things that truly piss me off have to do specifically with the role I've been thrust into as a woman. That wasn't exactly the case with the cabbage-pricing--but maybe it was too, you know? Perhaps a man wouldn't have been questioned, though of course it's impossible to tell. Ugh.
In any case, thank you for writing this. I have zero desire to just let my bitch flag fly without reason; I'm nice, you're nice, we're all nice. But we're nice to the point of absurdity. When there's a reason to let the bitch flag fly, I want to sally it up the flagpole.
As for letting go, theres nothing wrong with it. I remember being that cashier you bitched at. A customer cut in line and plopped down his garden hose on the counter. I took one look and ordered him back in line. He then said he was in a hurry. I told him to get the fuck out of "my store". He said, I'm calling your company----I handed him the phone!